4/24/2018
Those Tight Leather ShoesTHOSE TIGHT LEATHER SHOES
Three of my kids were in college. My fourth was a senior in high school. My life had suddenly become very quiet and I found myself with some “me time”. Leisurely mornings consisted of coffee and God’s word, followed by a morning work out with plenty of day leftover. I’m a list person and each perfectly “scheduled and planned out” day I crossed off my “to-do’s” with a feeling of accomplishment. At the time, I remember having a conversation with a young lady whose life was very different than my own. She had 5 young children, a full time job and was super involved at church. I specifically remember her telling me in tears that she could barely find the time to spend with God. As I look back on that conversation, I can remember my heart’s response in thinking-“ you make the time for what’s important in your life”. I didn’t allow the words to leave my mouth. Perhaps I knew it was the wrong attitude to have toward this sweet lady because all the while God was whispering to my heart~"Charisse. Have compassion, have understanding. Remember." But my judgmental heart chose not to. So He reminded me. Within just a few short months my youngest went off to college, my oldest had our first grandchild, her husband (who was going to be the main caregiver of their newborn) got a full time job and I became the full time nanny/grandma. It was like becoming a new mom all over again, except with half the energy. Add to it, Pastor’s wife and mom to four adult children and it was hard. Very hard. I love my precious granddaughter so much, but I’m not going to lie and tell you how much I loved this new nanny role I was put in. I didn’t. I know that sounds absolutely horrible and I hate to even admit it. People would always comment~ “isn’t being a grandparent amazing?” In my coma-like state I would smile and nod, but deep down inside I just wanted to cry. All. The. Time. My life was turned completely upside down. It took a long time for God to change my heart and show me this was His plan and once I accepted that, everything changed. Grace filled my heart. I loved my life. (And 6 years later, I’m still babysitting both granddaughters daily, and still loving it) In the mean time, it was a struggle. I’m not a morning person, but was thrown into very early mornings full of baby busyness right from the get go. 5:30am came too quickly and 10pm couldn’t come fast enough. There were long days of constant crying (both baby and grandma) and absolute, pure exhaustion. I had every intention of getting alone with God before going to sleep each night but my evenings were filled with church activities or family plans and I couldn’t seem to catch up or catch a breath. I resorted to plastering notecards with Bible verses all over my house, setting alarms throughout the day reminding me to pray and once in bed, trying to talk to God, but falling asleep the minute my head hit the pillow. God taught me a valuable lesson through all of this. Too often we as women can become very judgmental. We look at other women and think we know exactly how they should be living, eating, dressing, marriage-ing, raising their children and even worshipping. We don’t put ourselves in others shoes, so sometimes God has to shove our feet into those shoes Himself. They’re never a nice comfy pair of slippers but more like a brand new pair of leather stilettos~tight and uncomfortable, maybe even painful. The thing about tight leather shoes is~ the longer they’re on our feet, the more they soften and conform. God might have to put us in uncomfortable, and maybe even painful circumstances, to soften our hearts toward others. To conform us to His image. To help us have compassion. Yes, we most definitely should “make the time for what’s important” in our lives, and God should be at the top of our list, but we should also remember that only God can see and know the hearts of others. Only God understands the circumstances they are in. The shoes that God put on me were very tight, uncomfortable and even painful but He opened my eyes to what others might be going through and He filled my heart with compassion. He whispered to my soul that it was ok to fall asleep at night. He wasn’t disappointed in me. He understood and showed me that taking care of that grandchild was the most important thing He wanted me to do at the time. Don’t be so quick to judge. Learn compassion. Stick your feet into some tight leather shoes for a while and have a little more understanding~ or God may be picking out some stilettos a few sizes too small just for you. 😉 Jude 1:22 I Peter 3:8 I John 3:17
4/15/2018
Momentarily Mixed Up MamaMOMENTARILY MIXED UP MAMA
No one really told me exactly what to expect after having babies. It was all the rage in CT in the 80’s to go all natural. With my first pregnancy we went to the Lamaze classes, toured the hospital, read the books on natural child birth and bringing baby home~ but no one warned me about the hormones and how messed up I might feel inside afterward. I ended up going the “all natural” route with our first until the last five minutes and even though the Doctor told me medication would take at least 20 minutes to kick in, I insisted. Three minutes later Jessica was born. So, my next baby was born with no medication whatsoever. First and last time I did that. Ohio had different views on labor and delivery. The doctors there were all about the epidural and being pain free (thank the Lord) so, I actually got to enjoy my last two deliveries. But~the hormones with each baby when I got back home~ that was another story, and I never talked to anyone about it. I held it all inside. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. Both sets of parents came all the way from MI to CT to visit after Jessica was born and I can remember feeling so confused inside that I wanted to hide in my tiny bedroom. I didn’t even confide in my own mother or husband. I cried about everything, things that made absolutely no sense at all. I cried when I cleaned house, I cried when the sun was shining, I cried when Jessica wouldn’t sleep and I cried when she was sleeping. I cried when Mike left for youth activities and I cried when I caught our little kitchen on fire because I forgot I was preheating oil to brown some stew meat in. I felt like I was in an out of body experience. My body was doing the motions of wife and mother but my brain was far away and scared. The thing is, I felt like I was crazy or losing my mind so I was too scared to talk about it and even if I did talk about it, I had no idea how to explain my feelings to anyone. I couldn’t even explain how I was feeling to myself. So I bottled it in and cried. Things are so different today. Mothers are encouraged to talk about postpartum, to get help, to understand they aren’t crazy. As encouraging as it is to know that other mothers have been where you are, it’s still a very lonely and scary experience and it’s doubly hard because our husbands, our knights in shining armor, have no idea how to help us and probably think to themselves that their wife has lost her mind. So what are we supposed to do? NOT what I did. One thing I have learned in the 32 years I have been married is that open communication is critical in your relationship. Two have become one. You are not alone. Talk to your husband even if you don’t know what to say~ tell him exactly that! Tell him you can’t even explain what’s going on in your head and you have no idea what he could do to help you except possibly listen, have compassion, hold you and allow you to cry without trying to fix you. Ask him to try to understand that you don’t even understand. The second thing I learned is~ don’t feel silly telling your Doctor what you are going through. God put doctors in our lives for a reason. They will not think you are crazy because it has been happening to mothers since the beginning of time. They are there to help you, so allow them to do just that. And most important~prayer is vital. When I thought I was crazy, the only thing that brought me comfort was the fact that I knew my Heavenly Father knew me even when I didn’t know myself and He was with me through all the tears and every mixed up feeling. When I didn’t even know what to ask for or how to pray, when the only words I could utter were “please help me”, my heart knew that my all knowing Savior would do exactly that. Whether you are expecting and don’t know what to expect or you have just given birth to a little miracle yourself, take heart precious mama. Allow your husband, your Doctor and most importantly, your Savior to help you. God knew that only you would be the perfect wife and mother for your family when you were still in your own mother’s womb. Remember~you are exactly that~ a momentarily mixed up, gloriously grace covered, absolutely perfect and adored mama. 💕
4/8/2018
What’s Your Power Source?On my husband’s rare down time, he enjoys sitting in his recliner, reading the news or playing games on his phone. He’s a “can’t sit still doing nothing” kind of guy. I like to give him a hard time about his phone habits and without fail, he has me laughing because spontaneous ads will pop up and always lure him in. Immediately he’s telling me all about them. The last one was a “smart” iPhone charger. He shared it with me because I am always complaining about how quickly my cell battery dies. That battery can be at 45% and within seconds, she’s gone. Obviously something needs to be fixed. It can be very frustrating to watch it lose its power so quickly. Of course, I’m never close to my charging cord, and then the cord is never long enough for me to multi task, so I don’t plug it in. Inevitably it dies. The only uninterrupted charging time it gets is while I am resting as I sleep.
That’s when I realized Mike’s battery never gets that low. And yes that convicted me. 😂😂 Not just because of the amount of time I apparently spend on my phone, but also because I am JUST like that stupid iPhone. I have too many apps open in my mind and they drain my power. I’m on social media too often and it drains my power. I continually feel the need to answer every text and notification. My personality stresses when I don’t, and it drains me~and when all these things crowd in, I can guarantee that I am too far away from my power source. I’m trying to do everything on my short term battery life without being plugged into God’s power and then, when I have nothing left to give, within seconds I lose it. I’m gone. Obviously, something needs to be fixed. I need to be plugged in again. I need to set the time aside to rest in Him. To get charged by His word. To plug in every worry, hurt, disappointment and care. To refuel my heart’s battery by praising and thanking Him for all He’s ever done for me and all He’s going to do. I can’t ever allow myself to get too far away from Him or my battery will die. Next time you’re on your phone and realize it needs to be charged, ask yourself how long it’s been since your heart has been recharged as well. The world continually comes up with new ideas for faster charging of our phones, but ultimately they will always need a power source, just like our heart always need it’s Power source. There isn’t a quick fix~going to church for one hour but never spending time with God the rest of the week is not enough to charge our hearts. Listening to christian music on our way to work is not enough to charge our hearts. Saying a quick prayer as we fall asleep at night is not enough to charge our hearts. We all need uninterrupted time with our Savior. Time where we shut the world out, where we close all the apps that are open in our mind and focus solely on Him. Once we do that, all the little things won’t drain our power. Our beating battery will have joy as we give Him 100%. Our heart will have peace~because it’s resting in Him. What is your power source? Hebrews 12:2, John 4:14, Phil. 4:7, Phil. 3:14, Psalm 23:3, I John 1:4, Psalm 16:11
4/1/2018
My EverythingMY EVERYTHING I’m laying in the dark thinking about my babies, and their babies. It’s 3am. Another lovely, menopausal moment. Waking up from a deep sleep, in an anxious sweat, for no apparent reason. So I think about them all, tucked in bed. Almost as if I’m looking down from heaven, watching them sleep. At this moment I can choose one of two options. To worry about all the little stuff going on in their lives~and maybe the big stuff too. Or to pray. I choose option #1 too often. And then you know what I do? The next morning I complain about it to my husband. I tell him how I couldn’t sleep, and in despair I spout out all my worries. It might momentarily make me feel better to talk to him, but then those worries creep right back in as the day goes on. When my head hits the pillow that night, I’m like a hamster on a wheel. It’s a vicious cycle. So tonight I choose option #2. To talk to God. Some of you might be thinking ‘I wouldn’t even know where to start or what to say to God’. Sometimes I don’t either. On nights when the ‘big stuff worries’ flood my mind, and my heart is so overwhelmed that all I can do is cry, I know Jesus hears me. He’s my Father, and I picture His arms holding me as the sobs shake my core. Other nights when the ‘small stuff worries’ invade my heart, I know Jesus hears me. He’s my Friend and I picture him sitting next to me, as I babble on and on and tell Him all about it. And some nights He’s my Counselor, and in the stillness of the black night I just need to be silent and listen to Him whisper to my heart and tell me what it needs to hear. Suddenly, verses will come to mind to comfort me or messages from the previous Sunday that remind me what I ought to do. God is so many things~ my Protector when I’m scared, my Provider when I don’t know what to do, my Comforter when I feel all alone, my Healer when my heart is hurting. My Everything. And as I’m laying here at 3am talking to Him, millions of other people are also doing the same~pouring out their hearts~and He is right there for them as well. Their Everything. Because He’s Everything. Don’t make the mistake of talking to everyone else about your problems, except Him. When worries flood your heart, whatever your need, just know that He can be your Everything too. There is no emptiness He cannot fill. No longing He cannot satisfy, no brokenness He cannot heal. Tonight, talk to your Everything. Father, Friend, Protector, Provider, Comforter, Counselor, Healer and Lover of your soul. Philippians 4:6-7, I John 5:14-15, John 14:13-14 |
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