3/24/2023
Change Lives In MeThere are certain things I’ve been struggling with lately. I am ashamed to admit that my perception of people has been a big one. Just this morning I realized how completely messed up my perception is.
I can “preach” on this platform about how “God can change your life” and how “you don’t have to remain the same once you know Christ, because His power lives in you”, and yet… This morning I had a conversation with myself that sort of went like this~ ‘What are you supposed to do Charisse? Past circumstances have led you here. Trauma that sucked the life out of you and left you weak. You can’t help it that you feel this way. The situation is hopeless. It is what it is. Just accept it and live with it.’ Immediately I was convicted. Nothing is hopeless with God. No past circumstances or feelings I might have are stronger than the power of God in me. He can change anything and anyone. And here’s the shocker~ the change starts with me, not with the person I am perceiving to be in the wrong. If I build up walls and raise the white flag of defeat on relationships in my life, I do not know the love of Christ at all, because He did the opposite. He loved the very unlovable. And despite past circumstances in His life~ He continues to love the unlovable… and I am at the top of that list. Do you know why I felt that immediate conviction this morning? Because Jesus lives in me. The Holy Spirit lives in me. God’s love lives in me. And because of all of this… Change lives in me. I thought darkness had a permanent dwelling in my heart, and the perceptions I had were truly hopeless situations. But I was wrong. The past is the past. Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. The same power that raised Jesus from the grave is THE POWER that lives in me. And today that light has permeated the darkest recesses of my heart, because I know that Every day is a new day with Jesus and… Nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible with God. SCRIPTURE READING: Psalm 51:6, 55:18 Proverbs 19:21, 21:2 Malachi 3:6 Hebrews 13:8 Luke 1:37 Matthew 19:26
3/17/2023
I Want To Watch It FlyWhen I was in the 4th grade, my parents bought an old farmhouse that sat on 12 acres of property, property that was surrounded by endless horizons of beautiful land. We affectionately called it “The Farm”, and I loved it. When I recall that time, my heart feels free. My imagination could soar there. I could run in all the beautiful openness of the unknown, and feel as if I was flying.
But then, my parents split up. My world was turned upside down. That freedom was quickly taken away and replaced with the chaos of things that I could not control. Praise the Lord that He continually pursues us. Through all that heartache and pain, we came to know Him. My parents got back together and purchased a new home, away from the painful memories of the past. This home was so very different. It was a cookie cutter house located only a few feet away from all the other houses that looked exactly like it~ in the middle of a subdivision full of similar houses. House upon house. No freedom. No flying. But for some reason, my heart took comfort in the familiarity of it all. All the past chaos was outside that perfect little suburb. I was safe in this new, controlled setting. And my journey of familiarity and control began. At that time in my life, my flesh associated the comfort of my parents being reunited with my controlled situation, when all along it was Jesus. Jesus is what changed our lives. Not the cookie cutter house, in the cookie cutter subdivision. I have found that almost 50 years later, I still look for comfort in familiarity, in everything being predictable. In control. In planning. In a cookie cutter life. It occurred to me today that a large part of that process has to do with fear. If I write it down and accomplish it, if I plan, if I have control, I don’t have to fear. Life will be predictable, and I find comfort in predictability. But not in God. But then when life hits me with a curve ball, suddenly all my comfort is whisked away and I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the future and what that looks like for my marriage, for my kids, for my church, for my blog. I’m afraid of the opinions of others. I’m afraid I won’t accomplish what needs to be done. I’m afraid of pain and heartache. I’m afraid of the unknown. Circumstances can hold us hostage to the fear of the unknown. My anxiety over that unknown can become so strong that my control seems lost. Inside that anxiety I am paralyzed. I don’t long to be placed in my cookie cutter house in a subdivision. I long to run away and fly. I long to just be free… and it’s there in that moment that God teaches me again and again that freedom and comfort only come from God. Not from all my control. Slowly, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I learn to put my trust in Him. Sometimes daily, sometimes minute by minute. It’s something that only He can provide. A comfort that only comes in trusting Him, and not in my own control. And suddenly in that trusting, when life throws me another curve ball~ the unimaginable happens. I have peace. I am free from the bondage of my fear of the unknown because I know that HE knows. And everything God allows in my life is for my good. You can have freedom from whatever might have happened in your past that makes you want to hide within the cookie cutter walls of your control. You can have freedom from the fear of the unknown. When life throws you a curve ball, you have one of two choices. Remain paralyzed with fear and anxiety; or catch it and throw it back. Throw it back towards endless horizons of beauty, and watch it fly. Feeling the freedom of complete trust, having no idea where it will land but knowing that God will catch it. His goodness is written all over it. Today and tomorrow and every day ahead, I want to watch it fly. SCRIPTURE READING: Psalm 11:1, 27:5, 51:12, 55:5-8&18 , 61:1-4, 90:9-10, 12, 14, 17, 139:9-10 Proverbs 14:12-13 Isaiah 40:28-31 Acts 2:25-28 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 I Peter 5:7 I could hear her little voice as they entered the bathroom, and I chuckled to myself. “It’s messy in here mommy!” She continued to babble about her little brother, the stall, the toilet paper, and the changing table. As I washed my hands I think I heard the words “don’t touch that” a dozen times.
I remember those days, but not with disdain. With longing. In that moment in the Meijer bathroom, my heart had an incredibly deep, unexplainable yearning for one more moment like that. One more moment just to hear my daughter’s childhood voice talking to me about everything her little mind could think of. I don’t know why there are times that that longing grabs a hold of my heart so fiercely. Some days I miss it all so much. The giggles upstairs and the reprimands to “go to sleep!!” The toys all over the house. The forts built under the piano. The laundry EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. The constant “I’m hungry”. All the talks. The fun conversations, but also the hard ones. The “talks” about changing bodies and crushes and heart breaks. Talks about mean kids at school, but the reassurance of the forever love of mom and dad. And Jesus. A deep love from Jesus that is not fickle like the friendships of adolescents. Yes, some days I yearn for it all. I yearn to hear my little girl babbling in the bathroom as I try to change her sister’s diaper. Maybe it’s the remembrance of unconditional love looking up at me through the wide eyes of naive innocence. Mommy could fix everything and do no wrong. Or, maybe it’s because at times~as hard as motherhood seemed to me back then~I can now look back and realize that in those moments, life for my children was so much easier. I long to fix everything for my adult children just by saying the words “I love you” and with a simple smile and a hug, watch their life become beautiful again. When our children were little they could bounce back and in a moment, life goes back to being care free. But the older our children get and the more time that passes, the more mom realizes that at times life can be very cruel for the ones we love more than anything in this world. And that’s when the hard truly hits. So today I remind myself of the talks. The talks about the love of mom and dad, but more importantly of Jesus. Today I want to remind my adult children of that love. The incredible, deep love I have for them, but more than anything~Jesus. A friend Who sticks closer than a brother, even closer than mom and dad. Jesus, Who literally loves with His everything. Jesus, Whose heart yearns for carefree moments for my children even more than my own heart yearns for it. That’s a fierce yearning. That’s a love deeper than I can imagine. As much as I long to hear that babbling again, Jesus wants to hear it from our children too. He wants to hear ALL the babbling. He wants to hear our children talk to Him about every single thing their minds can think of. And He wants to hear it from me as well. He wants me to tell Him all about it. So today, I did. Today I babbled on and on with Jesus. I told Him all about it. I cried. I laughed. I asked silly questions. And in that moment, just like a child who feels deeply loved~ Life became carefree again. SCRIPTURE READING: Psalm 37:25, 42:4-5&11, 51:12, 62:8, 142:1-2, Isaiah 49:15, 66:13 Philippians 4:6-8 John 8:36 Galatians 5:1 I can remember getting my first biopsy. Watching the needle go in on the screen. Holding my breath. So many emotions wrapped up in such a small amount of time.
As I look back over my life, countless moments were held captive by two words. ”What if”. My todays were taken away by worry over my tomorrows. Always wondering what would be on the other side of this mountain of “what ifs”. Somehow believing every worst case scenario and sometimes living through them. Maybe hope was lost. And in that believing~denying Christ power by giving up and giving in. Not only allowing the devil to believe he had won, but believing that lie myself. Recently I have pondered Christ sacrifice on the cross for me. I have thought about that dreadful day when all hope truly seemed lost. I have wondered about all the emotions his disciples were feeling~ so many emotions wrapped up in this moment. This wasn’t supposed to be the end. How could this be? Can you imagine their discouragement? All the incredibly powerful miracles they had witnessed and yet, it appeared death had won. Satan had won. Pretty sure that’s exactly what the devil believed too. But Jesus’ followers did not know what was coming. Neither did the devil. When it comes to scripture, at times I think we tend to take the outcome of mountain moving stories for granted. The faith isn’t spectacular to us because we know how the story ends. But when faced against our own mountains, the “what ifs” overwhelm us and we convince ourselves that we won’t be able to get over them to the other side. Let me remind you today of your beautiful reality~Satan doesn’t know what’s on the other side of your mountain anymore than you do because unlike God, Satan is not omniscient. He is not all knowing. He doesn’t hold your future, God does. There is so much power in that statement. Take heart in the fact that the very men who LITERALLY walked with God on this earth~those handpicked and chosen by Christ~ went through discouragement as they faced a mountain they thought was unclimbable. Even more comforting is the fact that Jesus~being all God yet all human~asked His Father if there was any way possible to avoid the overwhelming sorrow that was upon Him. He knew the deep love He had for His followers, and the heartbreaking emotions and confusion they would be faced with. He knew the mocking, the beating and the physical agony that was coming. He knew that He would be taking the sins of all mankind upon Himself. Jesus knew what was on the other side of that mountain He was facing, yet in that moment, He poured out His heart to God. Jesus understands completely what you are going through. We might say we trust God. We might even believe we have mountain moving faith, but that doesn’t mean the trials we go through will be easy. Trials that can overwhelm us. “What ifs” that can loom heavy over our souls. Don’t focus on this idea that the devil knows the end of your story and that he has already won. Instead, focus on the fact that only God knows what’s on the other side. On that side of the mountain is the irrefutable reality that the same Jesus Christ who defeated death and once again walked with His awestruck, astonished disciples upon this earth, is the same Jesus who is alive today~ daily making intercession on our behalf. He is the victor of every “what if” mountain we face. And that side of the mountain? It’s always good. Always. Because God told us so in His word. There is no “what if” scenario that God doesn’t have an answer for. There is no “what if” scenario that God will not provide comfort for. There is no “what if” scenario that God doesn’t give peace to face and weapons to fight. There is no mountain you will ever climb alone. SCRIPTURE READING: Matthew 17:20, 26:37-39, 28 Isaiah 51:12, 52:7, 54:10, 55:12 Mark 11:23, 14:33-36, 16 Psalm 90:2 Luke 22:41-44, 24 Romans 8:34 I John 2:1 Hebrews 7:25 Revelation 1:5,18 I Corinthians 15:19-23, 56-57 Philippians 2:10-12, 4:7 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 10:4 John 14:18
1/13/2023
Precious PromiseThe tears fell as I listened to him sing. This wasn’t new to him, his mama often cried when she sang solos or gave testimonies. I don’t think he really understood why though. I could picture him catching a glimpse of me, shrugging his shoulder a bit and running to find his brothers. But he didn’t see me cry. My 9 year old grandson singing about His Messiah, our precious promise. I didn’t think my heart could get any fuller. Why did I cry? “Messiah, a baby born to save us all.” My baby was singing about the Baby born to save us all. The significance of the words resounded deep within my soul. “All we longed for, all we needed shining in a child’s eyes.” Jesus. Just a child yet a Savior. The innocence of childhood grasped me in that moment. My little Ethan. Ethan who has not yet experienced the pain that this sin cursed world can so cruelly throw at him. The heartbreaks that come again and again as we age. No, right now he is just a child singing about His Messiah. One day though, he will remember this moment. Singing with his mama. The words will whisper to his heart when it’s hurting… “Hope forever. Death defeated. Because of this one holy night.” Why did I cry? Because I have known death. I have known heartache. I know what lies ahead for this little man, but I also know his Hope. Jesus will be with him through it all. Everything he longs for, everything he will ever need. His Messiah. My Messiah. I listened to his little voice as he reminded me of a future he has yet to live and a promise I can cling to. I don’t need to fear the future. I don’t need to fear the future of my children or my grandchildren. And I smiled through the tears. “O come, let us adore Him.” So many emotions were wrapped up in that moment. That God would use my grandson to remind me of His love in sending His own Son for us all. The older I get the more I realize how truly sinful I am, and the impact of God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness on my life. I realize the hardness of life, but the promise of a Savior Who walks with us, and sometimes even carries us through it. This brings me to my knees. Someday Ethan will understand. Someday he will cling to the words he sings. Words that show me a future made beautiful by the past. “Because of this one holy night.” What a precious promise. Messiah. On our knees we fall. SCRIPTURE READING: Hebrews 2:14-18 Isaiah 9:2,6-7 When I was in the third grade my parents told me we were moving. My little heart was broken. I think I cried for a month. I didn’t want to leave my friends, and the home I loved so much. I can remember throwing rocks at the For Sale sign in our front yard, I even pulled it out of the ground once and hid it.
But then we moved, and slowly I came to love our new home. The one we endearingly called “the farm”. My imagination came alive on that old farm. I began writing stories in the fourth grade. It was a place to dream, and I sat and dreamed a lot. I sat at my piano overlooking our beautiful apple orchard. I sat in the apple trees. I sat in the kitchen shucking corn and snapping beans.I sat on the hills overlooking acres and acres of breathtaking land. I sat in bed as my mom read to me each night. I sat in church and I sat in confessional every week. I sat on our horse and I sat in our hayloft. I sat on our cellar door and on our milk house steps. I even sat in our out house. And… I sat and cried when we had to move again. I loved that old farm. God had given me something beautiful and then taken it away. It wasn’t the first time little Charisse went through something painful, and it certainly wasn’t the last. Here’s the thing though, Today I can sit and I can see why. Not only did I become “me” on that farm, due to heartbreaking circumstances involving the move, my family came to know Christ. And today I sit at His feet. What a beautiful place to dream. Time and time again I thought God was taking the wonderful things I loved away from me because I did something wrong. Surely He was punishing me. But that wasn’t the case at all. Each time God took something, He replaced it with something so much better. He did it because He loves me. And now at the age of 57, I can’t even count the number of times God has done this in my life. Given me something better. With His grace in my heart and His word on my lap, today I sit and smile. When people invite you to sit, you know that old saying~ “Take a load off”? That’s literally what Christ tells us to do. Give Him the load. Imagine if we made a New Year’s resolution to sit more. I think people would laugh if you told them that was your intention. Sitting is such an easy thing to do. How often do we do it without a thought… but what if we actually did think about it every time we sat down? Giving all your heaviness to Christ and recalling all the times He blessed you with something better. Whatever you might be going through today, sit with Jesus. You might not understand things now, but if you will just sit with Him through it, you will see that His “beautiful” is always so much better than our own. No striving. No trying to figure things out. Just sitting with Jesus. What a beautiful place to dream. what a beautiful place to be. SCRIPTURE READING Jeremiah 29:11 Psalm 77:1-14, 78:4,6-7
12/30/2022
In The BeginningMy daughter gave me a precious gift this Christmas. A dainty bracelet with the inscription Proverbs 3:5-6. A daily reminder to me. One that I have thought about so often lately, and one that I shared with my girls on our last shopping trip together.
Back when I was in high school, our school put on a little production. I will never forget one of the production leaders teaching us a catchy tune to the verse Proverbs 3:5-6. That tune has stuck with me through the last 40 years, but the meaning of the verse has grown in its significance as each year passes. Lately it has been my life line and I find myself wondering why I didn’t truly live it for the past 40 plus years. My words said I did, my head thought I did~ but my heart and soul did not. I often leaned heavily on my own understanding, especially when life hit hard. Oh, if I had only truly trusted His sovereignty through everything. Through all the tiny inconsequential mishaps that I allowed to ruin my days, to the heavy grief that seemed to engulf my every waking moment~ My emotions ran ragged. Worry, stress, irritation and anger took over. Wishing things could be different took place too often, and at times fear overshadowed my days. I never stopped to fully take in the fact that God was in complete control of every single thing. Nothing was a surprise to Him. Nothing. If we could only grasp this fact as we head into a new year. Every morning waking up and praying this verse before our feet touch the ground~ “Lord I trust you. Help me not to ever lean on my own understanding, but to acknowledge you in every single thing today so that you will direct my paths.” Paths that lead to reactions that glorify Him no matter what life throws at us, because we trust Him and know it’s for our good. This simple prayer has literally changed my life. There’s an incredible comfort each morning as I place each future moment in His hands, and fully surrender my trust to Him. In the beginning God. January 1, 2023. A new beginning. A beginning with complete trust in the God who has been here before there ever was a beginning. The God who gives us no ending. The God of grace and hope and love. Trust in the Lord of new beginnings. Trust Him with all your heart. SCRIPTURE READING: Proverbs 3:5-6 Proverbs 16:9 Matthew 6:10 James 4:15 Psalm 36:23-24 Genesis 1:1 John 1:1 Isaiah 46:9-10 Romans 8:28 Ephesians 1:11-12
11/25/2022
Give Your Parents A GiftI want everyone to stop telling me to be thankful. I’m tired of reading it in devotionals, of hearing it in messages, of seeing quotes about it plastered all over social media.
I. DON’T. WANT. TO. BE. THANKFUL! …Although I do not feel it this year, I have uttered those same thoughts during Thanksgivings of the past. Right around this time, heartache has hit home for me twice in the loss of both my parents. The despair was still raw. I was not angry at God, but in those moments I can honestly say~I wasn’t thankful either. This past week I have heard some heavy hearts pour out that same ache to me over various situations in their lives. Thanksgiving does not feel thankful. One ache that has manifested itself often this holiday is that of a child who chooses to make the time for everyone else in their life except their mama. The saddest part of that to me is the fact that the mothers are going through deep despair of their own. And yet, not a call, not a visit, not a hug, not a “How are you doing mom? Are you okay?” Nothing. And it breaks my heart. I was incredibly blessed to have a childhood many only dream of. We weren’t rich, but my parents made sure we knew how deeply we were loved. As the years went by, my relationship with my mom wasn’t always the best. I felt so justified in many of the angry moments I had toward her and her unrealistic expectations, but the older I get and the harder life becomes at times, the more I understand. She was hurting and I didn’t really get that. I don’t think children ever really do until they’re putting those shoes on themselves. Mom is always mom. If the whole family is sick and she’s sick too, it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t get a day off. She takes care of everyone else. And for the rest of her life, that’s her role. Taking care of everyone else. Too often children forget that she’s hurting too. That she needs to be taken care of. That she needs someone to say, “Are you ok mom?” Despite the disagreements, I would give anything to have my mom today. To hold her. To tell her how much I love her. To apologize for being selfish and not calling enough. To show her I understand now. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for so many things. Blessings beyond measure. And I’m thankful for my mom and dad. I hope they always knew that. If they were alive today, I’d make sure I told them again and again. Whatever your family dynamic is, pick up that phone and call your parents. Go visit them. Ask them how they’re doing. Tell them how much you love them. Try to see life from their eyes and how hard it can be at times. Ask God to show you their perspective before it’s too late. Both years I lost my parents I faced the toughest Thanksgivings ever. Mom passed in November and dad in October. That’s an ache that no one understands unless you’ve gone through it yourself. I know of sweet mamas going through cancer treatments, sweet moms who lost their husbands recently, sweet moms who are all alone week after week after week. Sweet moms who haven’t heard from their children. I’m not going to tell you all the reasons you should be grateful this Thanksgiving. I know God tells us “In everything give thanks”, but I also understand heartache. I will forever cling to the knowledge that Jesus wept. What a comfort~God understands too. Instead, I’m going to remind you that when you are hurting, your mom is hurting. Sometimes, SO much more. You have an opportunity today to give your parents a gift. This Thanksgiving weekend, call your mom. Call your dad. Give your parents the gift of Thanksgiving. Oh if you only knew how much of a difference it would make in their lives and how much it would touch their hearts. You might not understand today but, one day you will and you will wish for today again. Make sure it’s a memory you’re grateful for and not one you will regret. Scripture Reading: I Timothy 5:4 Exodus 20:12 Deuteronomy 5:16 Proverbs 1:8 Psalm 133:1 Proverbs 10:1 Proverbs 23:22,25 I Corinthians 13:4-8,13 Luke 6:32 I Peter 4:8
11/18/2022
Not My StoryMy son’s birthday is this week.
What do I want for my son? A child. More than anything, a child. My heart longs for it desperately for him. I thought it was my story to tell when I got pregnant with my son by mistake. I thought it was my story to tell when the doctor told us he would have birth defects and abortion was a recommendation. I thought it was my story to tell when we said “absolutely not.” I thought it was my story to tell when he had a fibral seizure and lost his hearing. I thought it was my story to tell when I watched him walk to school every day and he would wave at me the entire time, until he was no longer in sight. I thought it was my story when I watched his tenderness with his sisters, with children and with babies and couldn’t wait to see the day that he would become a daddy. A wonderful, compassionate, selfless daddy. I thought it was my story to tell when he slowly grew away from God. I thought it was my story to tell when I prayed for him to return. I thought it was my story to tell when he surrendered to God’s call. When I prayed for the woman God would have for him. The woman who would love God and my son with her everything. And God answered. I thought it was my story to tell when I saw the love she had for children and babies and I knew that one day she would be a wonderful, compassionate, selfless mama. And I thought it was my story to tell you today that she isn’t, because they have not conceived despite the years of trying. Despite the tears. Despite the prayers. It is an unanswered request. My story wasn’t really my story after all. One day it became my son’s story as he stood behind a pulpit and shared the journey his life took. The road that led him to today. The steps that God directed to this very place in time. The ache inside my soul for my son and daughter cannot be compared to the empty ache they feel. It is a loneliness and a longing that cannot be described. It is a “hard” a mama never wants to see her child experience. And yet, if ever that cliche quote were true, it is true of them~ “My story for His glory”. I know that God has a purpose. His timing is perfect. There is a reason. We do not know what the future holds, only God does. I never imagined a future for my son that didn’t include children. It crushes my heart to even pen the words. It’s a future I do not want to face. It’s a future I have to give to God daily, some days minute by minute. But it isn’t my story to tell. And today I realize, it’s not even my son’s story to tell. It’s God’s story. Today I can only tell you my chapter of that story. My son and daughter will continue it and in my heart I want to believe that perhaps one day, miraculously they will repeat it to their child and their child will continue to tell it. And in the telling, hurting hearts will be healed. I might not ever know the end of the story, but I’m so thankful God does. Whatever that ending might be, I know it will be good and wonderful and miraculous. It has never been about me. It’s not even about us. It’s about God. Future generations being brought to a Savior who loves them beyond any human love a mother or father could ever give. A hope for the hurting. Those future generations might not ever hold our namesake, but they can hold God’s, if we just continue to share His story. A story for His glory. Scripture Reading: “One generation shall praise thy works to another, And shall declare thy mighty acts. I will speak of the glorious honour of thy majesty, And of thy wondrous works. And men shall speak of the might. And I will declare thy greatness. They shall abundantly utter the memory of thy great goodness, And shall sing of thy righteousness. The LORD is good to all: And his tender mercies are over all his works. They shall speak of the glory of thy kingdom, And talk of thy power; To make known to the sons of men his mighty acts, And the glorious majesty of his kingdom. Thy kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, And thy dominion endureth throughout all generations. The LORD upholdeth all that fall, And raiseth up all those that be bowed down.” Psalm 145:4-7, 9, 11-14 “For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; And his truth endureth to all generations.” Psalm 100:5 “This shall be written for the generation to come: And the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.” Psalm 102:18 “Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children, shewing to the generation to come, The praises of the LORD, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done. That the generation to come might know them, Even the children which should be born; Who should arise And declare them to their children: That they might set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments:” Psalm 78:3-4, 6-7 “Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come”. Psalm 71:18 “Nevertheless he saved them for his name's sake, That he might make his mighty power to be known.” Psalm 106:8
11/4/2022
A Good CryI’m such a baby.
My husband had his knee replaced on Monday. He came home Monday night. Yes, that’s quick. Too quick. Since he did so great with his shoulder replacement in July, we thought we knew what to expect. We were wrong. His first day home he overdid the exercises and didn’t take his prescribed pain medication. Tuesday the pain and swelling set in. By Tuesday evening the tears were rolling down my cheeks as I changed his bandages and heard him cry out in pain. Lessons learned for the next knee, scheduled in December. Wednesday as I sat with him in Physical therapy and watched his face riddled with pain again, I fought back the tears and had this little conversation inside my head~ “Charisse. Get a hold of yourself. Be strong. You look ridiculous crying over this.” I thought about that a lot today. Me being a big baby. How ridiculous I looked crying over my husband’s pain, how ridiculous I look when I cry about a lot of things… but then I had a little God moment epiphany~ Who says? Who says it’s ridiculous to cry? Who has the right to say it is weak to weep when we see loved ones in pain or even when we are experiencing heartache of our own? God doesn’t. Man does. Man’s words are continually ingrained into us~ Be strong. Other people are going through much worse. Look at all your blessings, you have no right to cry. Don’t show your vulnerabilities. Don’t be weak. And yet, the majority of the time it’s all a facade. We are weak. We are human. Tears flow. And guess what? God is okay with that because in our weakness we find His strength. God really opened my eyes to that fact in my bible reading this week. I read the story of a woman who was barren. It touched me deeply. My own child is experiencing this anguish and it is a rollercoaster of emotions. Hard doesn’t come close to describing it. Prayers have been poured out. Tears have been shed. An answer has not come. As I read God’s words to me about the story of Hannah, several things were brought to my attention. Hannah was never reprimanded by God for crying. Hannah cried because of how she was treated by another woman. She cried because her prayers weren’t answered. She cried because her heart was broken. She had bitterness of soul and wept. Even the man of God judged her. God did not. There is power in her story. The hard hit home this week. My husband endured excruciating pain. A sweet friend had breast cancer surgery and another dear friend found out she has pancreatic cancer. There is heartache all around us. Life can be so cruel, but oh how powerful our great God is. He will help us walk through the unthinkable and from our pain He will produce miracles. Others may judge us because of our tears, but God does not. God does not diminish the pain we feel. He does not categorize our tears. He keeps every one of them. He tells us to cast ALL our cares on Him. Not just the big cares, ALL the cares. He understands. God offers grace. He offers tenderness. He offers miracles. As I got my dad’s old walker out of the backseat of our car and helped my husband into another therapy session yesterday, the emotions were all there. Memories came rushing in of doing the same thing for my dad at countless doctor appointments. It was also the anniversary of my mom’s home going. In that brief moment I wanted to yell at the world~”I’m tired of trying to be strong!!!” But then I recalled the words of a dear friend, beautifully reminding us all not to quit. Hannah never quit. Though she had tears, she kept on praying to God for her miracle. And so, I watched my husband take one tiny step after another and I thanked God through the tears. I know God’s working miracles, but I also know He thinks it’s okay if I cry through the process. I will give the hard to Him again and again, day after day because my yoke might be heavy but when I give that yoke to Him, my burdens become light. I may not see the answers I’m looking for and I might cry like a baby, but this one thing I am confident of~He will hold me through it all and allow me to let the tears fall with no judgement. He will whisper to my soul~ It’s okay Charisse, have a good cry. Miracles are coming. SCRIPTURE READING: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Philippians 1:6 Matthew 11:28-30 I Peter 5:7 Psalm 34:17-19, 56:8-9, 147:3-5 Hebrews 4:15-16 I Samuel 1 Isaiah 40:28-29, 43:2 John 16:33
9/23/2022
Taste And SeeWe took our grandsons to Dairy Queen last Sunday evening. My two older grandsons asked if they could share a banana split. I wasn’t sure they understood how large a banana split was, but they assured me they knew, and it wouldn’t be a problem.
They are 9 and 6. We were in the drive through. Our plan was to go around the corner to our break wall and watch the sun set over the water as we ate our treats. I explained to Gabe (the younger of the two) that while we were still in the car I was going to have Ethan hold the sundae until they were able to sit together on the bench to share. I expected a bit of arguing or even the very familiar words “that’s not fair”. To my complete surprise, neither were spoken. Gabe turned to Ethan and in the sweetest, most precious and sincere voice he asked~ ”Could I just look at it Ethan?” That right there melted my heart. His sweet sincerity brought tears to my eyes. I often read devotionals written for moms of young children on how to cope with the overwhelming moments. I remember those moments. I understand. The response of older moms is almost always an encouraging word to cherish that time because it’s over so quickly. But I rarely read about the “hard” of being a mom of adults~ When your adult children have walked away from God. When your adult children are all fighting. When your children are going through horrendous heartache. When their faith is being tried and their prayers aren’t being answered. When your children are all struggling in different areas and pouring their hearts out to you, but not wanting the other siblings to know. When your children don’t want you in their life anymore. Gone are the days that you can lovingly remind them to get back on God’s path when they have misbehaved~ and through tears they agree. Gone are the days when you can send them all to their rooms for fighting, and suddenly they’re giggling and playing like it never happened. Gone are the days that you can rock them as they snuggle in your arms and you tell them everything will be ok, and they believe you. Gone are the days when you are their everything. You pray and you worry and you wonder. How did things change so quickly? And you watch as each day passes. You find yourself wondering if things will ever be ok. And you want to hold those beautiful days again. The days you believed were overwhelming at the time. You understand now why older moms always told you to cherish that time. And then one day things do change, but not in the way you expected. Through his tears of heartache you hear your son telling you~ “everything is going to be okay mom”, because he truly believes that his unanswered prayers are “for his good and God’s glory”. And you are in awe, because your own heart saw the hurt he was experiencing. Your own heart could not see the good. His sweet sincerity brings tears to your own eyes. Not only has God allowed you to just look at His goodness and beauty. He has allowed you to taste it. “O taste and see that the LORD is good: Blessed is the man that trusteth in him.” Psalm 34:8 Just moments after my grandsons started in on their banana split, I heard them exclaim~this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted” Not once, not twice, but the entire time they ate until the bowl was completely empty. Oh how often we as moms can ask God if He would just allow us to look and see some semblance of an answer to our prayers for our children and their future. Could we just look and see and know everything will be ok? And then, sometimes without us even realizing, He does. He shows us. We not only look upon it, but we get to taste of His beauty. Some days a taste of Gods goodness might be right around the corner. Other days it might feel like you’ve been looking at the truth of His words about your children, but have yet to taste of it. And the road seems long. When it comes to your adult children, you might find yourself overwhelmed, heartbroken or even arguing with God. You might find yourself crying that it isn’t fair. This wasn’t your dream as you held that child so close to your heart and rocked them to sleep. But you can still choose to believe in the goodness God has to offer, even though you have yet to taste it. You can choose to open His word and partake in His promises. To trust in a beautiful future ahead and truly believe that you will one day say~ this is the best thing ever. As you whisper through tears~ “can I just look at it God?” He hears the sincere prayers that come from your heart. Taste and see ❤️ SCRIPTURE REFERENCES: “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:18, 28 “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, Neither have entered into the heart of man, The things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9 “casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 “From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, When my heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou, O God, hast heard my vows: Thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name.” Psalm 61:2, 5 “I will praise thee for ever, because thou hast done it: And I will wait on thy name; for it is good before thy saints.” Psalm 52:9 “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. O taste and see that the LORD is good: Blessed is the man that trusteth in him. The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, And delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; And saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: But the LORD delivereth him out of them all.” Psalm 34:4, 6, 8, 17-19 “And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: And establish thou the work of our hands upon us; Yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.” Psalm 90:17
9/16/2022
A Fall Bucket ListOur first day of Fall arrives this week.
For many, Fall is a welcome guest. Bring on the football games and sweater weather, hot cocoa and cider, changing leaves and cozy feels~ all wrapped up in blankets and pumpkin spice. For others, Fall brings with it loneliness, darkness, isolation and depression. It is an unwanted guest. Until recently, I never realized how many view the arrival of Fall like a dark storm cloud moving in, covering up all the beautiful sun of lazy summer days and long summer evenings. And it’s hard. Our mind is a powerful tool. It can make us believe things can’t or won’t get better. As the days become shorter and shorter it can convince you that you will never climb out of the darkness that lies ahead. You know what’s more powerful than our mind? The mind of Christ.(Philippians 2:5-11) The Holy Spirit within us. (John 14:26) The power of God. (Ephesians 6:10-11) Satan knows that we are supposed to shine the light of Christ into the darkness of our world, so he convinces us that there is no light to shine. That life will not and cannot get better. Don’t give up! Don’t give in to those thoughts! This is not truth! God’s words are truth! (Hebrews 4:12) And so~ with God’s help, I want to help each of us to renew our minds this Fall. Fall Bucket Lists seem to be all the rage. Just type those words into Google or the Pinterest search bar and you will find a myriad of ideas. For some the lists are full of fun, Fall activities. For others they are only a reminder of their loneliness. You are never alone because God is in you and for you. (Isaiah 41:10, Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6 & 8, Romans 8:38-39, Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 23:4, 46:1, 1 Peter 5:7) With that in mind, I have come up with a Fall Bucket List to help each of us to renew our minds in Christ. (Romans 12:2) To change our perspective. To grab a hold of that power and to learn to enjoy Fall in all its glory. And for those of us who love Fall, maybe this list will be a good reminder that the changing seasons aren’t all about us and how many fun activities we can pack in. A gentle reminder that everything we do~whether we eat or drink or watch football games under cozy blankets~ everything is for God’s glory. (1 Corinthians 10:31) Perhaps God wants us to notice a little more, notice the ones who aren’t smiling. Notice the lonely. Notice the sad and broken and help make their lives a little brighter. (Galatians 5:13-14) As the days get shorter and shorter, don’t allow all your fun activities to overshadow and don’t allow the darkness to overcome. Be the light. You might truly believe you can’t, and that’s ok because you don’t have to. Christ’s power within you will overcome that darkness. (Philippians 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Timothy 1:7, Luke 1:37) And with the changing seasons, He can change your heart. With the dark, early evenings~ He can and will be your light~ so that you can be His light. (Psalm 27:1, 2 Corinthians 10:5) Turn up the lamp of God’s glory. Be the light~ His glorious light! Bible apps to listen to: https://dwellapp.io/+99H0 https://www.bible.com/app
9/9/2022
All Those Fall FeelingsMy mom’s birthday was Thursday. She died in 2003, but it seems like it was yesterday. October is also right around the corner, marking two years since my dad passed away. I haven’t come to the point where I’m able to take my dad’s contact information off of my phone. He died one month before my November birthday. My mom died one week before my birthday. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year, second only to Christmas~
but Fall brings all the feelings with it. I yearn for early cozy evenings by the fire, but I also yearn for mom and dad. Your life changes when you lose both of your parents. It’s like a part of you is missing. You almost feel like an orphan, no matter how old you are. You might have family all around you, yet you still feel very alone at times. And so, I have my dad still listed under “favorites” in my phone’s contacts. His cute picture with his new glasses, always smiling back at me. Sadly, I didn’t realize that after a year my phone would delete all my texts from my dad. One day they were just gone, just like he was. I was crushed. My phone also has an app called “find friends”. Anytime I get to worrying that my husband is running late and I’m wondering if he’s ok, I can look at that app and see exactly where he is. My dad is still listed on that app too, right under my husband. Every day my dad would check in with me. If he didn’t, before jumping to conclusions I would look to see if he was home or just busy running errands. Sometimes the phone will swirl and swirl, looking for a particular person. Every time it locates someone it will show you where they are on a map. As smart as my phone is, it can’t show me dad. It confesses~ “no location found”. Man, that gets me every time. I’ll admit, it brought tears for a long time. Sometimes it still does. But I know it holds no truth, because I know exactly where my dad is, and one day I will join him and my mom and so many loved ones there.* I Thessalonians 4:13-14 I will fall into the arms of my Savior and weep, letting go of all the grief I so readily push down into my pit of “I don’t want to think about this”. You might wonder how I can know. You might be asking yourself how you can know. How anyone can know with 100% assurance that heaven can be your eternal home? That the arms of the Savior will welcome you there? We can know because God’s word promises us exactly that.* Romans 10:9-10, I may have lost every word my dad sent me in a text, but we can never lose the words of God. They are eternal, just as He is.*Psalm 119:89 They are our promises to cling to through every trial we go through, and they promise that if we repent and ask Jesus to save our souls and give us a home in heaven with Him one day, He will.* 2 Corinthians 5:8 My mom and dad are with Jesus. As the air becomes crisp and cozy fires are lit, when pumpkin spice everything is everywhere, I find myself missing them a little more. As much as I miss them, I still have all the precious memories of Fall days that they left me with. The week before he died, my dad told me he was planning a birthday party for me. My tears smile at that remembrance. Fall might be hard for you. The early darkness that comes with the change of time, the cold temperatures and the seclusion can certainly get you down. You miss the sunshine. Missing your loved ones on top of that can make you ache inside. The good news is, this world is not our home and we are never truly alone. *Romans 8:38-39, I am not an orphan. I am a child of God. *John 1:12 You are a child of God. His words of comfort are always available. He always knows exactly where you are, because He is right there with you. He knows your thoughts, He knows your heart. He knows your aching and He knows your rejoicing.* Psalm 139, Philippians 4:6-7 We don’t have to wait until we get to heaven to fall into our Savior’s arms and let all our grief and sadness go. We don’t have to push it down into the pit of “I don’t want to think about this”. We can give it all to Him right now. In fact, He wants us to do exactly that.*Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Psalm 23, 46:1-2 Whatever hard feelings Fall holds for you, with it’s falling leaves or falling snow, falling rain or… falling back into the darkness of daylight savings~ Remember these words and cling to them~ Fall into His arms. FALL into His arms.* Matthew 10:29-31 FALL into the arms of Jesus. What hope that holds and what comfort it gives~ because I know~ that’s exactly where my mom and dad are too. *John 16:33, Psalm 31:24
9/2/2022
I Don’t KnowThe older I get, the more I realize that wisdom comes with age and yet, I am not wise. I don’t have all the answers.* As a pastor’s wife, that can be hard. People come to you for answers. It’s hard to find yourself at a loss for words and admit~
”I don’t know.” I don’t know why beautiful, Godly souls have suffered tremendous loss, sometimes over and over again. I don’t know why precious wives with longing hearts plead with God for children year after year, yet remain barren. I don’t know why marriages crumble despite prayers to God for restoration. I don’t know why depression or anxiety can grip you for no apparent reason, and wake you from a sound sleep. I do know that if you typed any of these things into Google, you would have a myriad of answers, many from a biblical perspective. A sin cursed world is the obvious answer, but there isn’t a human being alive that can explain why heartache hits home for some~yet not for others. That answer is entrusted to God alone. God’s word tells us the comforting promise that everything we go through is for our good, but quite often it doesn’t feel good at all.* I have heard people say~ “just give it to God” or “God is in control, you just have to trust Him”.* Easier said than done. So many times I will read these things and all my heart can utter is~”how?” How do you just “give it to God”? Recently I have woken from a sound sleep in complete panic. That’s another hard thing for me to admit. I honestly have no idea why it is happening. I don’t feel like I’m stressed or anxious, yet it has happened more than once. My heart races and sleep doesn’t come again for hours. And so, I will pray and pray and ask God to take it all~ anything I’m holding on to. My marriage, my children, my ministry. Anything that might be causing this. Any control issues I am not aware of. Over and over~”I give it all to you God.” And yet, sleep eludes me still. Night after night I felt I was failing. I expected the anxiety to magically disappear when I gave it all to God. I felt like a disappointment to my Redeemer who loves me so much. I questioned whether I was truly surrendering everything to Him. What was I doing wrong? These uncomfortable moments are but a blip in time compared to the years of anguish and questions some sweet Christians go through. Questions with no answers. Today He reminded me of a beautiful truth. Out of nowhere a memory came to my mind of the many nights my children would have bad dreams when they were very little. Dreams that would wake them. Dreams that caused tears. Quite often they would either cry out for Mike and I, or come down to our bedroom crying. My mama heart was so incredibly tender toward them that the tears would swell up in my own eyes. They would snuggle in with us in bed, and eventually fall back asleep. Did I reprimand them or get angry with them if it happened again the next night or if the tears would not cease? No. I never did. My love was so great for them that my heart shared in their pain. Did my presence take away the bad dream? Did my words make it magically disappear? No, but my presence and my words brought them comfort. Knowing I was there next to them is what made the difference. And I think that’s the answer for us, even as adults. That unfathomable love I have for my children is nothing compared to the love God has for us. I don’t know why so many go through so much, but I do know that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you will NEVER go through it alone.* God is always there. His words of comfort and strength are always available to us. Does that magically take the heartache many are enduring away? No. But what comfort it brings to a weary soul. We are never alone. I may wake up tonight with a grieving heart over missing my parents and loved ones. I may wake up tonight with a heavy heart for the things my children are going through, I may wake up tonight with a deeply sad heart, or a racing heart for no apparent reason, but I need not fear or be anxious or wonder if God is disappointed that it has happened once again. His grace washes over me like a sweet lullaby and His joy warms my heart like a cozy blanket. I need only snuggle in with Him and realize that He may not take this away, but He will never, ever leave my side as I deal with it. Whatever heartache, anxiety, unanswered prayer, devastation and loss you are experiencing~ you are not alone. Nightmares will never cease no matter our age, but you are His child and as little children we can cry out to our Father knowing He is closer than our very thoughts. Knowing that He shares in your pain, knowing that the bad dream won’t magically disappear but that we can snuggle into Him and He will hold us through it~* That knowledge is good. It is glorifying. That knowledge will make all the difference, and that is a comfort to cling to. *Psalm 131:1, Romans 8:18-23 & 28, Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 13:5, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 139:1-18,
3/4/2022
Don’t Stop PrayingIt has been an emotional week.
My dad has been gone for a little over a year and yet, thoughts of his passing have come to the forefront of my mind for no particular reason. At times I can hardly wrap my mind around it. My dad went home to heaven the day after the funeral of one of our dearest friends, who had unexpectedly passed away just the week before. The friend whose birthday would be this Monday~the day before my dads. They entered this earth a day apart and left this earth a week apart. Thoughts of the trials my children have faced, and continue to face have also weighed on me. Thoughts of missing my sister-in-law as I watch her son get married tonight have brought tears of happiness mixed with tears of sorrow. And then, thoughts of the horrors other countries are facing have been a constant, even as I write this. I have struggled with what to post this week. I have prayed and asked God for words to encourage, and yet He has been silent. And I couldn’t understand why. I wondered if perhaps he didn’t want me to write a thing. Certainly I don’t want to post some cliche story that God never intended I share. Sometimes you may wonder why continual “bad” hits you from every direction and God seems to remain silent. Here’s the thing. For me, He hasn’t been silent. He has been speaking to my soul, but my mind was screaming too loud to hear Him. My eyes were focused on the emotions I was feeling instead of on Him. My scripture reading landed on Job this week. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to read it. I complained. I told God I needed something uplifting, but He knew exactly what I needed. Quotes that I had scheduled a month ago popped up on my Holding Hope page all week, and it still didn’t hit me. Quotes suggesting I pray about what my mind wanders to. Quotes reminding me to keep praying, even if all I have left is a whisper. (1 Thessalonians 5:17, Philippians 4:6) Quotes that told me to just Be Still. (Psalm 46:10) My mind was anything but still. My thoughts were running a marathon inside it. But today in the tiny moments of quiet I had, I prayed again. I finally heard Him. His whispers through the cracks of distractions touched my heart. (I Kings 19:11&11, Matthew 14:28-30) He kept telling me to be still and as much as I argued that I was being still, I knew deep down I wasn’t. So I stopped. I stopped trying to figure out all the answers on my own. I stopped and I just sat. I sat on my bed and I asked Jesus to sit with me. Just to sit there and hold my hand and still my heart. (Matthew 28:20, Jeremiah 29:11) And He did. And He told me to tell you to do the same. How easily I allow circumstances to weigh me down and steal my peace and joy as I wonder what’s going to happen. How easily I miss my loved ones and fall into a sadness I don’t want to climb out of, instead of realizing the comfort and hope of heaven.(1 Thessalonians 4:13) How easily I try to control situations and find myself in continual unrest. How easily I focus on the bad and miss all the good. I miss Him. We’re all looking for hope. For answers. We scroll through social media looking for that quote or devotional that will give us those answers we’re seeking. We even open our bibles, as if a verse will magically appear to answer our “whys”. God often uses all of these things to help those in need, myself included, but sometimes in the looking we are striving in our flesh to find the answers that only God knows. Sometimes the answer is simply Him, and that’s all we need to know. (Hebrews 6:18 & 19) Once we get to the place of that realization our eyes are opened. We see life through Him and in His stillness, everything is changed. We suddenly understand that we don’t have to know all the answers, we just need to be still with Him. (Ephesians 1:18) Don’t stop praying sweet friend, even if it feels like God is silent. He is not. Keep seeking Him in the stillness until His stillness pushes out all the distractions and it is just you and your Savior~ And through faith, you once again see your life through His eyes. The eyes of of Him who loves you and gave Himself for you. (Galatians 2:20, 2 Corinthians 4:17 & 18)
2/18/2022
Holding On To TearsHappy memories can dance through the recesses of our minds and bring so much joy to an ordinary day. Memories give us hope, because we can see the entire picture that the happiness was painted around.
Tears can stay with us as well. Just as much as the happy memories can linger, so can the memories that brought us tears. When I set my mind on one or the other, it amazes me how many of those moments come flooding back. The good and the bad. The moments that brought tears are so distinctive to me. Some have stayed with me from a very early childhood. They are etched into my brain and I can remember them like they were yesterday. Kindergarten and the first death of a beloved pet. The stinging words of a supposed friend. Having to move for the first of many times. My parents fighting. My parents separation. Leaving all my friends and moving far from our country home to a city filled with people. A heart broken by young love. The cool girl with her mean words. The word cancer and the death of my grandfather after a year of hospital visits and treatments. Watching the agonizing pain and heartache my mother was going through every single day because of it. Leaving my family to move 700 miles away. The words “your child will have birth defects. Termination is an option”. More moves. Losing my best friend. The mama tears of watching your children through every phase of their lives as they face all the same heartaches you did. A crushing betrayal. 10 wasted years of unforgiveness. Losing my mama. Death upon death upon death. Losing my daddy. Unanswered prayers of a begging heart. Too many tears to mention. In those moments I did not want to hear~ “God does everything for a reason” “We can’t have rainbows without rain”. Or any of the cliche things that people say, because they don’t know what to say. In those moments I just wanted to cry. And I wanted someone to cry with me and understand my pain. Tears are very lonely. Tears have a profound impact on us. Heartache can shape our souls if we allow it. Our days will be filled with misery or bitterness, anger or resentment, self pity or loss of hope. Sometimes even the loss of our will to live. And when the tears beat down on us day after day after day, sometimes we give up the fight, because there’s no fight left in us. But. If we continually look back at our life we can have hope again because we can see that somehow when we truly believed all was lost, God brought us out to the other side. We were never alone. (Joshua 1:9) He was always with us, we just lost sight of him through the tears that blurred our vision and blinded our hearts. Whatever might be causing your tears today will be a memory for your tomorrow. God does not just paint the beautiful pictures of happy moments. He paints His goodness and peace and comfort into every heartbreaking moment we go through. One day you will look back and see the entire picture God had painted. His word tells us that He puts every one of our tears in a bottle, and writes them all down in a book. A bottle is a container. It holds things. Every single one of your tears are precious to Him and when you thought you couldn’t hold it together any longer and it was the end of your story, He was holding you and writing what you didn’t think you could. (Psalm 56:8&9) Yes, if we set our minds on the heartache we will be overcome by the grief and so, our loving Heavenly Father and Friend bids us~ set your mind on things above. (Colossians 3:1) Time passes so quickly and the moments that I thought would break me are the moments I see God putting His loving arms around me, picking me up and carrying me through. (Psalm 34:18&19) I feel the comfort He gave and the peace that overcame the heartache. (John 14:27) I see that He did answer my prayers, despite the tears that blinded me in those moments. And I look ahead to the day I am in His presence when His loving hand will wipe away every single tear that has fallen from my eyes. (Revelation 7:17, 21:4) Each tear He holds in His bottle sets my heart on things above. Each tear reminds me of my Savior’s love. Each tear reminds me that He wept along with me and understands. (John 11:35) Each tear reminds me that my Savior suffered for me, yet He did it with joy. (Hebrews 12:2) Each tear reminds me that I am never ever alone, and as I look back each tear reminds me of the beautiful happy moments God created for me through it all. Because each tear makes every happy memory so much sweeter. And the happy far outweighs the sad. (Psalm126:1-3) Don’t hold on to the tears. Let Jesus hold them. You hold on to the good. Every single good memory~and just believe. You will see His glory. (John 11:40) because everything good and everything perfect always comes from God. (James 1:17) And because He is writing your book, and every story He has ever written always has a beautiful ending. (2 Peter 1:19, Psalm 139:1-18)
8/6/2021
When I Am WeakAfter I gave birth to my second child, I began hemorrhaging. Those moments in time are so vivid to me and yet, they almost feel like a dream~The team of nurses rushing me down to surgery, a cold surgical room composed of nothing but steel, the anesthesiologist telling me to count backwards, and then waking up next to my husband.
Of all the things I remember, there is one memory that stands out the most to me. The absence of fear and the incredible, overwhelming peace that washed over me as my last thoughts were~ I am going to die and I am going to wake up with Jesus. Words cannot express the comfort I felt. It will last with me my lifetime. In that moment there wasn’t a single thing I could do to control that situation. My life was in the hands of God and in my weakness, He was my strength. It’s easy to talk about fear and having faith when you’re on the other side of it looking back. As the saying goes “Easier said than done”. We might think our faith is strong, but in a split second life can change. In times like those, we don’t have the chance to say- “hold on Crisis, let me get out my bible and notes and uplifting music so I can be in the right frame of mind”. Our dependence is totally and completely in the power of God. This is why meditating on His word every single day is so important. He promises that His promises will stay with us in those split second times of crisis. But what about the moments in our lives where time is not our friend? Where split seconds turn into weeks or even months? The moments that time allows us to get inside our head and become overwrought with worry and fear? The times we know we should be meditating on His words but we find ourselves constantly meditating on the problem instead? This is where I have been the last few days. The same child whose birth caused my faith to go into high gear in a matter of seconds is going through a trying time with her own unborn child. As a mother, it’s times like these that I have no idea how people can lean on their own strength instead of the power and strength of God. Because I would crumble. I readily admit that I am weak. Not only is it in a mother’s heart to worry and sometimes fear for our children, it’s in the heart of everyone who loves deeply. When we love deeply we will do anything to help the one we love. To take their pain away. To make everything okay again. To give them comfort and peace and joy. Even though time has been tempting me to worry and to fear, even though the nights have been long and my heart hurts for my child~ I know that there is not a single thing I can physically do to change the situation, just like the day that she was born. The only thing I can do is to cling to my faith in God’s promises and place all those worries and fears (over her worries and fears) into His hands. Because when we are weak, He is strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 Because He loves us infinitely more than we could ever imagine. In fact, He loves my children infinitely more than I ever could. Isaiah 49:15, 66:13 So I will praise Him through all of this. I will praise Him because no matter what happens, I know of His steadfast love for me. I know of His steadfast love for my daughter and for my grandchild who has yet to be born. I know that His Mercy is new every morning and that He is forever faithful. Lamentations 3:22-23 And I know that He is in complete control. I am not~ But praise God because He is the I AM! Exodus 3:14, John 14:6, 15:5 Today I want to encourage you. What is your heart and mind meditating on? The problem or the promises? Are you worrying or worshipping? We need to come to grips with the fact that we are not in control and stop allowing fear and worry to control us by giving it our hearts and minds. Give it all to God. Believe me, I know it’s hard, but every time my mind starts meditating on anything besides His promises to me I know that I need to give it back to Him~ even if I have to repeat the process over and over again. Because I know in my heart that He is the only One Who controls the outcome and that outcome will be what’s best because it’s given from the One Who gave everything for me. John 3:16
4/2/2021
Feel The Weight. Know The JoyIn the last week I have been asked a very similar question on two separate occasions. The question went along the lines of~ What has God done for you this year?
I am embarrassed to admit that both times my mind went blank. My immediate thought was~He took my dad. And for some reason I couldn’t get past that. I didn’t want to answer. I wanted to get up and leave the room, partially because younger family members were waiting for my reply and partially because I’m a pastor’s wife, so shouldn’t I have my act together? Shouldn’t I come up with a million things God has done for me? I could have plastered on a fake smile and given a rehearsed, cliche answer on God’s abundance. I knew all the right words to say. In my heart I know He has given me countless blessings, but in that moment that was all that I could think of. My dad. He took my dad. As I contemplated what to write for a post this week I knew that I wanted it to go along with Easter, but again my mind was drawing a blank. For some reason I had writer’s block. I mentioned it to my husband only minutes before I was asked for the second time~ what has God done for you this year? I went down to my bedroom later and felt shame that I hesitated and could not answer in a way that would glorify my Savior. As I lay in bed in the quiet darkness that night, I mulled over that question again and again and I truly believe God answered me. A tender compassionate answer full of mercy and grace, patience and love~ Yes I took your dad Charisse, but that’s not the end of your story. I took him to heaven. I brought him home. Not only is he in the presence of the many loved ones that have gone on before him, but he is in My presence. That has given Me joy. He is home with me. And I wept. If it wasn’t for Easter. If it wasn’t for the horrific death Christ endured on the cross, my dad wouldn’t be in heaven today. The breathtakingly beautiful part of the glorious story of Easter doesn’t end with the horror of that death. It begins with life after death and the incomprehensible knowledge that~ Jesus did it all with joy. He was beaten and nailed to that cross. He hung in agony as He took the sins of all mankind upon Himself. He died for me and for you and he did it with joy. Did you get that? Do you truly understand that? He did it with JOY. Why? Because that’s how much He loves us. That’s how much He loves my dad. That’s how much He loves you. No matter what we go through or how hard our circumstances are, I have this hope to cling to~ Jesus did it with joy. For me. If I had to do it over, my answer would be so different. God has done so many amazingly beautiful things for me each and every day. I know there will always be trials, there will always be sorrow and pain, sickness and suffering. There will always be heartache in the permanent form of death, but none of these things are the end of our story. Love is. Jesus is. Heaven is. And Easter is our promise of that joy. What has God done for me this year? Everything. He’s done everything. And to know that He has done it with joy makes my heart sing. A love like that is almost unbelievable. How do I know it exists? I know because not only has He told me in His word, He continually reminds me when sorrow makes my heart forget. I truly believe God gave me writer’s block because He wanted to be the author and finisher of my faith. Easter is the perfect first chapter. It’s ending is a beginning. A beginning overflowing with pure love and absolute joy. Easter. For the joy that was set before Him He endured the cross that we might become the children of God. My dad is partaking in that reality in heaven even now. I get to partake of that reality here on earth. All because of Jesus. And because of that reality, my story has only just begun. “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God...” 1 John 3:1 “For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26 “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 When was the last time you laughed?
I mean really, truly laughed, holding nothing back. Laughed until you cried and your sides hurt and you couldn’t breathe? Do you remember the freedom in that? Feeling like just for a moment all the cares of the world were pushed aside and you were free to let go and experience unfiltered joy? (Luke 6:21, Psalm 126:2) If you cannot recall a time like this, perhaps you are living inside circumstances of sorrow, whatever that sorrow might be. Maybe you didn’t even realize you were residing there, until you thought about how long it had been since you laughed in such a way. Maybe you’re sitting in circumstances of your own choosing or maybe you have no control over the sorrow that has enveloped your life. Whatever the case, I don’t want you to be stuck there and more importantly, God doesn’t want you stuck there. A life of being stuck in sorrow is not His plan for you. I’ve looked back at articles I’ve written and realized that I can be a bit emotional at times. When God moves my heart so tremendously, it stirs a deep passion within me to want to share that with others. Phrases I often use are: God loves you so much. God is always with you. God will help you through anything. Allow Him to hold you. Cry out to Him. All of these things are true, but might leave the reader feeling lost and questioning~ but how? And so today, we’re going to start with the first 3 points on our journey through circumstances to joy. I’m going to show you some things that God has used in my own life to pull me out of my sorrow and help me see hope in the joy before me. 1. If you read my Ebook you know that my first point is always the same. The difference in how this point is applied often depends on the circumstances we are in. Whatever the circumstances are, this will always be the most important thing you can do. Ask God for help. (Matthew 11:28-30, Galatians 5:22a) I will never stop asking, even when I know deep in my heart that there are things I need to change. When I know that I should be implementing the steps in this article on a daily basis, but I don’t. When I am too emotionally and physically exhausted to push through and do those things, I continually just talk to God all day long. Even on those days that I fool myself into thinking joy will never come again, so “what’s the point?”~there is one thing I know to be true no matter what~ He will never leave me. He won’t abandon me. He will pull me through this. The Holy Spirit will minister to my heart and comfort me, even when life feels hopeless and joy feels far. God is always trying to help us but too often our circumstances tune Him out. Never stop asking God to help you, even if you feel like He is silent. He is helping you without you even realizing it. (John 14:16,18, Zephaniah 3:17, Isaiah 26:3&4 2. Realize that when you ask for help, the circumstances that follow are God’s way of helping you~you just need to open your eyes to see it. You know what usually makes me happy? Predictable, mundane, day in, day out schedules. Being in control. Knowing that each day holds its tasks and at the end of that day Mike and I will relax on the couch. Maybe we will talk or watch a few of our favorite shows. We will laugh, we’ll go to bed, I will feel fulfilled with what I accomplished that day. I’m that kind of person. I’m a schedule and list maker. I thrive on routine. I’m a control freak. If my house isn’t cleaned up and straightened at night with everything in its place, I can’t relax. I feel uneasy and unhappy. This need to be in control is just as bad as looking at material things for happiness. I’m looking at “the control I think I have over situations” to make me happy and last March when life went out of control and spiraled downwards month after month into continual heartbreak, I lost all control and my happiness along with it. I yearn for predictable and mundane. It’s how I’m wired. The past 3 weeks have been anything but. My dad passed away unexpectedly in October. Working on packing up his things has only been part of the “crazy busy” my life has been. Long days have gone into long evenings right into early mornings and the crazy busy beginning all over again. I found myself thinking I just want a normal day at home. I want to do some laundry, bake some cookies, clean my house, sit in front of my cozy fire drinking coffee or just watch TV! But as I complained about that busyness and thought about my prayer for help, the Holy Spirit showed me that because I have been so busy I haven’t had time to just sit and think. Usually “the sitting and thinking” leads to “the missing and crying”. As my head hit the pillow each night I realized I was so exhausted that I fell asleep quickly, as opposed to laying in the dark crying. And I knew it was God. God was helping me. It might not have been a way I would’ve chosen, it certainly wasn’t an easy way, but it was God’s way and it worked. He knows my crazy, emotional, over thinker brain far better than I do. (Psalm 139:2) Jesus is continually going to God on our behalf and I now wonder how many times through the years I missed the answers to the prayers I had prayed, just because they weren’t the solution I was looking for. (Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25) 3. Stop listening to yourself (John 15:11) If God in all His wisdom did not intervene and answer my cries for help, I would be overthinking everything. My emotions are continually telling my brain that things will never change. Because I’m such an emotional person, I too often let my emotions dictate my life. I think all women~ whether they want to admit it or not~ are emotional. Our lovely hormones play a big part in that. When my emotions begin to dictate what my life story is, I start to believe it. I don’t like to admit this, but quite often since my dad died I have been scared. Not scared as in fearful, but scared as in “this unshakeable heaviness and lonely feeling.” Scared as in “this dark cloud of sadness will never go away. I will never see joy again.” The beginning of each day seems to be promising as I open God’s words to me and pray, but as the day slowly creeps by and thoughts bombard my mind, as my emotions kick me over and over again~ I feel as if God is very far away. That scares me. These are the times that we must realize our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9, Psalms 94:19), Even if we are struggling to believe it, we must go back to point number 1 and talk it out with God. Stop listening to ourselves and listen to what God is speaking over us. (Philippians 3:3) His words are truth, our emotions are not. He isn’t far away. He isn’t there only in the times we set aside to kneel and pray. He is our constant companion. A friend that sticks closer than a brother. A comforter and peace maker. He is the ONLY One who understands with 100% clarity and compassion what our heart is going through. (Psalms 139:1-18, Philippians 2:5, 4:6-7, 2 Timothy 1:7, Proverbs 16:3, Luke 2:10, John 15:11) You can’t simply “choose joy” without God. You can’t wake up and just decide “Starting today, I’m going to be happy” without God. Our strength is not enough. It will never be enough. It doesn’t matter what kind of a personality you have, Satan knows your weakness and he will find a way to steal that joy. Only Jesus is the strength of our joy. Pray about these first few points this week. Ask God to open your heart and your eyes and show you what you’ve been missing. (Nehemiah 8:10) I am so confident in the strength and power of God’s truths and the joy they speak over our circumstances, that I am adding a second post today. Scripture that you can print out and continually read throughout your day to comfort and encourage your heart. You can have freedom from sorrow. You can laugh again~deep, heartfelt, freeing laughter from the depths of your soul. Laughter that comes from unfiltered joy. Laughter that only comes from God and the joy that only Jesus gives. Make that your goal this week. JOY. How can I get my joy back?
If I was asked this question a year ago, I would have been very confident in how I responded. Today I don’t know. I guess that isn’t 100% true, sometimes I just “feel” like I don’t know. My emotions feel like a jumble of “I don’t knows”. Even though there are a lot of good answers on how to find joy, I can tell you this, not all circumstances merit that cliche answer many people like to throw out there. ie~ “choose joy”. It isn’t always that simple. The “fake it till you make it” mentality doesn’t work when it comes to joy. Sure we can change our attitudes and mindset to reflect happiness, but in some circumstances the darkness is still buried deep inside, no matter our good intentions . The good news is, there is Someone Who will always be our answer. THE answer to every heartbreaking circumstance this world throws at you. Jesus~ first and foremost. Actually, only Jesus. The end. He’s the answer. Joy=Jesus. God obviously knew that our human hearts would still struggle. He knows our frame. (Psalms 103:13-14) He is our strength through every circumstance. We’re the ones who forget. So he gave us His word. The Bible. And in it we find a wealth of wisdom on how to find joy. The hard part is applying that wisdom to our everyday lives. How do you find joy when you’ve lost more loved ones in the last year than ever before? How do you find joy after coming home from a heart wrenching funeral of the dearest friend, only to find your precious daddy gone without warning the very next day? How do you smile when your heart hurts terribly for friends and loved ones going through their own heart wrenching moments? Sickness, job loss, accidents, affairs, abusive relationships, death. When sleep won’t come because you can’t stop hurting for them? Or for yourself? When you feel like joy and Jesus are very far away? And in the unexpected moments when you do catch yourself smiling and feel a little spark of that joy, you immediately feel guilt along with it. Our little church has been bombarded with heartache lately. Truly tough stuff. It’s knocked the air out of our lungs as my husband and I try to minister. Last week I woke up feeling like this heavy cloud was hanging over my life. Our lives. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted to sit in front of my cozy fire, oblivious to my circumstances and forget everything. I wanted to smile again. I wanted to go back to when things were predictable and happy. When I woke up feeling that way, I could almost picture that black cloud hovering above me and all I could utter was~ “God please help me.” And He did. God immediately reminded me of the story in the Old Testament about the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. (You can read about it here~Exodus 13:21-22, 40:34-38, Numbers 9:15-23, Psalms78:14) If you’re not familiar, God led them with a cloud by day. The moment God brought that picture into my head felt like freedom. God was in that cloud. It was His reminder to me that He is always with me, even in the dark clouds hanging over my life. He is in control and despite feeling hopeless, He is in that cloud protecting and guiding me. Not only did God lead and protect them with a cloud by day, He also gave them a pillar of fire by night. Just as I longed for my predictable life and the comfort of sitting next to my cozy fire, I saw that pillar of fire that God provided as comfort too. (John 14:8) If you continue digging deeper into God’s words you will find that the pillar of cloud and fire were continually leading and when they stopped, the people were to stop and set up God’s tabernacle. That tabernacle was God’s gracious presence. A place to reside for a time. A home. A dwelling place. God showed me that He is always leading. Sometimes my moments might feel cozy, warm and comfortable and other times I might feel like a dark cloud is parked over every facet of my existence. That’s when God wants me to stop. Stop wandering on my own and just be home with Him in His beautiful presence, beside the still waters (Psalms 23) and among the peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7) . He tells me I can stay as long as I need because He will never leave. (Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5) He is my dwelling place no matter what circumstances look like all around me. (Psalms 46:1-2, 91:1-9) Despite that phenomenal story of God’s leading in the Old Testament, His children still complained. They were still afraid. They wanted to go back to their predictable lives back in Egypt, even though they were slaves in that predictable existence. They missed all the beauty that was ahead for them. All that God had prepared for them. I don’t want to miss the beauty God has ahead for me. I don’t want to just exist and be a slave to my circumstances. I don’t want you to miss God’s beauty either. That dark cloud that you might feel is constantly looming overhead, that cloud is guiding you. Whatever your cloud might be, God is in it. In the next few weeks I would like to take you on a journey with me. The journey to find joy again. I want to help you to see that God is in that cloud. I want to show you specific ways God has shown me how to find joy again, despite the deeply sorrowful circumstances we might be in. I want to share with you my Savior’s solutions. He is there. Don’t let go of that hope. Joy will come again. My heart is glad. My whole being rejoices. My flesh rests in hope. (Psalm 16:7-11, 30:5, 34:17-19, Isaiah 41:10)
1/4/2021
Finding The Good In The GrievingFINDING THE GOOD IN THE GRIEVING
I realize this is a very long post, but I ask you to bear with me because once again, I’m going to be brutally honest here and admit some things I’m dealing with. Things I don’t want to think about, let alone write about. But things that God has given me to help me through this. Steps that I think can truly help others. I know many of you have been anticipating 2021 since March of 2020. It’s been a year of horrors, and people desperately need to believe everything will change for the better in the coming year. But I am struggling. Thanksgiving and Christmas~ decorating shopping, wrapping, baking, Hallmark movies and Christmas music~ all of these things masked the deep ache of grief in my heart. I didn’t want to face it just like I don’t want to face 2021. I don’t want to move forward. My heart wants to go back in time. I’m facing the responsibilities that go along with losing your last parent. Packing up a lifetime of memories my dad held on to. My memories. I don’t want to go through his drawers and cupboards and make the hard decisions on what gets thrown away, or given away, or kept. I want to keep it all, right down to the tape dispenser and air freshener he recently purchased. No, my heart doesn’t want to move forward. Instead, I want to go back in time and just sit with him there in his living room. Laughing about something funny my grandchildren did. Sharing a chocolate. Reminiscing. I want to see his red Jeep outside my front door as he stops by for his daily check in. Always smiling. I want to tell him one more time how much I love him. I know many of you are in the same boat. This year has taken so many loved ones. The heartbreak has been unfathomable. In the past 5 months I’ve written 7 posts on a variety of things that can change your life for the better. Today my own heart longs to be changed. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to mask the pain with busyness or superficial happiness. I don’t want to continue to push it down into the recesses of my soul and pretend it isn’t there, always looming over me like a black cloud. I don’t want to dwell on “what if’s” and “could have been’s”. So how? How do I move past this deep ache of grief? I understand that everyone deals with grief differently. My own personality does not want to read someone else’s words on how to deal with grief. The devil knows this. He knows our personalities and he will use our own deceitful hearts against us. (Jeremiah 17: 9) He tricks me into believing that I am unique in my pain and no one can possibly understand enough to write anything that will help. But he is wrong. God has continually been tugging at my heart. He will never leave me. (Hebrews 13:5b) He will not give up on me~ even when I feel like giving up on me. He is always whispering to my sadness~”I am right here Charisse.” (Romans 8:38&39) And so, today I want to share some simple things God has used to comfort me. I am a work in progress. My words are not the ‘end all’ solution. They are a day by day choice. Every single day has new challenges and I know I am facing some even harder ones in the coming weeks. 1. Ask God for help- As I have said in my previous ‘life changing’ posts, my number 1 tip will always, always, always be to ask God for help. You will never conquer the next 6 steps if you do not take this very first one. (Psalms 16:11, Romans 8:26, John 14:16-18, 26, I Peter 5:7) 2. Stay in Gods word- The minute I slip away and allow other things to come before, or even replace my time spent talking to God or reading His word is the minute the heartbreaking grief takes control. (John 15:11, I Thessalonians 5:17) Every morning I must get out of bed and choose joy. (Nehemiah 8:10) Choose God, His words, His promises, His peace. Some days when I wake up I just know it’s going to be a good day. I smile. I tell myself I can do this. Other mornings, I just want to hide under the covers and sleep the day away so I don’t have to deal. I don’t know why one morning can be so different from the next, but these are the days that I must choose wisely. I must choose God. Which takes me back to point number 1. I cannot do this in my own strength, so on days like this I cry out to Him and ask Him to help me. Some days I am silently begging Him for help over and over and over again. Even though the day may feel like it was the worst day ever, when I lay my head on my pillow that night I realize I made it through, but only because of Him. If we could see our lives the way God can~if we could understand how horrible things would have been without His continuing presence~we would realize that even on our worst days He was right there with us and got us through it. (Jeremiah 33:3) Tomorrow is a new day. (Psalms 118:24) 3. Face your grief- as much as I don’t want to, I have realized that I cannot pretend my dad is just gone visiting my brothers. I cannot push the pain down deep and not think about it, because in doing so the pain will remain debilitating. I must face it, and in facing it a myriad of other steps come into play. 4. Cry. Talk it out. Ask for help and prayer- We should not feel shame for the grief we are going through. We do not have to pretend we have it all together. We need to cry and not bottle everything inside. This is an area I have a hard time with. I do not want to cry because I do not want to cause my children worry or sadness and I don’t want my grandchildren to see me sad. I have realized that this not only makes the process harder, but drags the grief out longer and longer. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, for someone to just come and sit with you as you talk about what you’re going through or just need to reminisce. (Galatians 6:2) There is nothing wrong with asking others to please pray for you when you are having a bad day. (I Thessalonians 5:25, James 5:16, Matthew 18:20) There is nothing wrong with crying. (Psalms 56:8-13) There is nothing in the Bible that says that we shouldn’t cry, only that we should not cry as if we have no hope. (I Thessalonians 4:13) Which brings me to my next point. 5. Eternity- God has given us this amazing, unaltering hope through the shed blood of His Son Jesus on the cross. Eternity. If we believe that Jesus died and rose again, if we in repentance accept His gift of salvation~ God promises us eternity with Him in heaven. (I Thessalonians 4:14) My daddy did this and I have the full assurance from God’s word that my dad is at home in heaven right now. (Romans 6:8, John 14:2, I John 5:13, II Corinthians 5:8) If I choose to focus on my dad instead of myself~ it changes my whole perspective. Why would I choose to wish for him to be here with me, when he is in the very presence of his God? His Heavenly Father who loved him so greatly that He sent His Son to die for Him? My cousin so sweetly reminded me of this on Christmas Day. His very words were~”he is celebrating Christ with your mom right now.” My parents are celebrating Christ, and what a celebration!!! They are in glory. No more pain. (Revelation 21:4) Only praises. (Psalms 89:5, Luke 15:10) 6. Focus on the good and be thankful- This can be a hard one because when we focus on the good and happy memories, they often bring the tears as well. I know there will come a day when my tears turn into happy, thankful tears. And so, I will remember all the happy times. All the moments turned into memories. The moments that wouldn’t seem particularly special at all to anyone else, but hold beautiful happiness to me. Moments that I thank God for. (Philippians 4:6) As much as my heart hurts and wants those moments back, if I continually remember step number 1, I know that God will help me to be thankful and to see how amazing it was that I had all those silly, special, mundane moments with my dad here in Caseville the last four years. 7. Live every day as if it were your last- (Psalms 90:12b) We do not know what tomorrow holds. (James 4:14) We aren’t promised tomorrow, or even today. Knowing this, and with God’s help, I am moving into the future. Today. January 1, 2021. I am resolving to live every day to the fullest. To see the beauty in every single thing~ whether that’s the snow storm in our forecast, whether that’s the silly things my husband does that tend to irritate me or my aching back that I threw out putting Christmas decorations away~ I am asking God to show me the good in every singe thing. And my friend~ there is SO MUCH GOOD. (James 1:17) Beautiful, fresh clean snow. A picture of a new beginning. A husband that loves me despite all my irritating qualities (like putting away heavy Christmas boxes without asking for help) and then waits on me hand and foot. Time spent sitting with him because, as much as I want to, I can’t move. And realizing how precious this time of doing ‘nothing’ is. I am resolving to truly be present for my grandchildren. To stop and listen to their childish babbling and soak in every word. To play with them and create beautiful moments they can someday remember and be thankful for. So I will ask you~ how do you want your friends and your loved ones to remember you right now? Today? If you drew your last breath as you fell asleep tonight, just as my dad did, would they remember sadness or would they remember joy? Not a masked happiness but the true joy that only comes from God? I want my friends and loved ones to remember joy. I want my husband and children and grandchildren to remember my laughter. I want them to remember me smiling, just as I will always hold the memory of my dad. My sweet, precious dad outside my front door in his red Jeep. Smiling. Smile again with me my friends. I promise, God can change your life! Ask Him to help you find the good again.
12/24/2020
Find JesusI stumbled downstairs last Sunday and with sleepy eyes poured myself a cup of coffee. At the moment, I definitely did not feel excitement. I was tired and wouldn’t have minded crawling right back into bed. And then it hit me. Today was my anniversary, and immediately I thought about Charisse 35 years ago on this day. The barely 20 year old who couldn’t sleep. The young girl who couldn’t wait for this day and the beginning of a life full of beautiful. The thankfulness her heart felt toward God for blessing her with everything this day held. Yet here I was, 35 years later muttering about how tired I was. Wishing for bed instead of worship. Many things went wrong on the day of our wedding. A huge snow storm hit that day. The limo my parents ordered to drive us to the wedding never showed up. My father in law’s cummerbund got misplaced, so at the last minute my fiancé drove in the storm to the tuxedo shop to get another. He then got hit by a car due to slippery roads. My grandparents were late due to the storm and almost didn’t make it. The snow worsened by the minute and we weren’t sure anyone would show up. None of this swayed my joy. None of this made me want to go back to bed so I didn’t have to think about all the “bad”. All I could focus on was him, Because I loved him. As I remembered that day, it gripped my heart. It’s the season of Christmas and yet, so many of us are focusing on the bad. The countless number of times I have heard or read that “2020 is the worst year in history” has been staggering. I can’t help but think about God and the murmuring He hears coming from those of us who are supposedly His children. Praise has not been on our lips, including my own. Thankfulness has not filled our hearts, but instead continual complaining about all we are subject to. There is no joy. There will always be something to complain about. We live in a sin cursed world where the wrong seems to outweigh the right. We can complain about our government or injustice or this pandemic and the rules we are asked to abide by. We can complain about not seeing family members or the fear of catching this sickness. But I would like to remind you that the good can outweigh the bad, we just haven’t been looking for it. We have been focusing on the bad so much that we have lost sight of all the incredibly good things God has blessed us with. Lives filled with beautiful. I would like to challenge you today to focus on Him. I have found in my own life that when I take my focus off of Him and place it on myself, I find all kinds of things to complain about. But, when I shift my focus to Him I find countless reasons to be thankful. That’s when joy floods my heart and soul. Think back to a special day in your own life. A day that you remember that feeling of pure joy and the reasons you felt that joy. That’s a beginning. That’s the first step in telling God thank you. If we could just decide in our hearts that we are going to choose thankfulness and praise over complaining, our lives will be transformed. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the bad. I’m sick of social media and the news and the constant “bad” that is bombarding us. I want to focus on the good. All that is good in our life is only because of God. I want to focus on Him. I know there are hard days. I’m not always the picture of happiness and joy. Sweet friends have gone home to heaven this year. My precious dad went home to heaven. Covid has hit our little town. Family won’t be with us to celebrate this year. Our children’s Christmas program has been canceled. Just yesterday I broke down while shopping. The memory of Christmas shopping with my dad just last year hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to hide out in the underwear section until the tears subsided. We all have bad days, but later my husband reminded me of what a precious memory that was to have. Christmas shopping with dad. Our wedding day ended up being my fairy tale. All my dreams came true. Over 500 people came out in that storm to celebrate our union. Happiness and joy filled the church that day. A day I will never forget. Don’t ever forget when Christ filled your heart. A heart that once was dark, now filled with His light and love, joy and happiness. What if we all chose to celebrate Christ’s birth differently than the rest of the world, despite the storms we have all been facing? Find the good. Find the thankful. Find the gladness and joy. Find the beautiful. It’s right there where you are, you’ve just been missing it. This Christmas, focus on Him. Find Jesus. And he brought forth his people with joy, and his chosen with gladness:” Psalms 105:1-5, 43 KJV Psalms 78:22, 32, 37-39, 42, 53 KJV
11/2/2020
ARE YOU FATHERLESS?The raw humanity of grief has overwhelmed my soul the last few weeks. My heart feels such a hurting emptiness. My emotions have gone from despair to anger to joy, almost as if I’m on a roller coaster. Despair that I will never say I love you to my dad again, or visit with him on his porch. No texts, no meals together, no more reminiscing about the beautiful life God blessed us with. Despair at the feeling that my childhood has been taken from me and I am left alone without the comfort of a mom or a dad to love me, as only a mom and dad can. Anger when others have told me God won’t give me more than I can handle. Anger that someone would tell my kids they shouldn’t be so broken hearted. Anger when others have told me my dad wouldn’t want me sad, or how much sweeter heaven gets every day. My selfish heart wants that sweetness back. My selfish heart wants them here with me again. I am ashamed to even admit this. I know in my heart that the despair and the anger are not where God wants me to stay, but I also know He understands. He understands the despair. He understands the anger. When you lose someone you loved with all your heart, He understands the tears. The tears fell this week. I cried out to God. I told Him I don’t want to be strong, I just want my dad back. I begged God to help me. As I cried out to Him, somehow through the tears and the despair, through the anger and the weeping~joy came. Psalm 30:5b Joy because God showed me how very much He loves me. His love is infinitely greater than my own. It’s infinitely greater than the love of my mom or my dad. God’s love is greater than life itself. As I wept over the fact that I lost my dad so close to Christmas and that we would not be sharing our favorite holiday together, as I tried to hold on to hope amidst the ache my heart felt~God reminded me of a song my daughter sang last Christmas Eve. A song my dad loved. I have listened to that song over and over again this week. The words have filled me with unexplainable joy~ “Wondrous Gift of heaven, the Father sends the Son. Planned from time eternal, moved by holy love. He will carry our curse~ and death He’ll reverse~ so we can be daughters and sons. Who would’ve dreamed, or ever foreseen that we could hold God in our hands? The Giver of life, born in the night revealing God’s glorious plan. To save the world. To save the world.” He knew the pain of death and separation from our loved ones would be a pain we could never bear on our own. He knew the sin of the world would bring death. And so~ He sent His Son. God sent His Son to save the world. He sent His Son to save me. He sent His Son to save you. That is the joy I will focus on. The joy of the wondrous gift God gave me. The gift of His Son. He reversed death and gave me the gift of eternal life in heaven with Him. The gift of being carried home to my people someday. The gift of being in the presence of God almighty. The gift of falling into the arms of my Jesus, my Savior and my Redeemer. The gift of knowing that my mom and my dad are in Gods presence even now. Because God gave His only begotten Son. The rawness of my broken heart will probably never go away until the day I see Jesus, but I will cling to that joy in the brokenness because those I miss so very much are in the presence of Jesus. And one day I will be too. I can never stop thanking Him for such a beautiful gift. I miss my dad~ but I am God’s daughter. He is a Father to the fatherless. He is my Father, a Father of infinite love. Love greater than life itself.
9/27/2020
Check Your Heart. Dig Deep.The kitten’s little body was beyond repair. We lived on a farm. Accidents on a farm weren’t new to me, but this time was different. This kitten was mine. She was a fluffy ball of soft black comfort and she fit perfectly in my small hands. My dad told me she wasn’t going to make it. There was nothing that could be done for her. Her tiny body was broken beyond repair. I begged my dad to wait one more day before putting her to sleep. That night little Charisse knelt in her bedroom next to the picture of Blessed Mary. I held my rosary in my hands and I begged God to heal my little kitten. The next morning nothing had changed. I knew my dad wouldn’t be home until much later, so I prayed some more. I can vividly remember recalling a conversation my aunt had with my parents just the week before. She had started going to a new church and she was excited about it. I didn’t really understand what she was talking about, but I remembered her telling my parents that we needed to pray “in Jesus name”. My little mind thought perhaps this was the answer. I would ask God to save my kitten then add the words “in Jesus name”. I walked through our apple orchard all day long praying over and over again that my kitty would be saved “in Jesus name”. When my dad’s car pulled in that afternoon I was sure my magic prayers had worked. I ran to meet him and we walked into the barn to check on my kitten. She wasn’t any different and even though I was only 9, I knew she needed to be released from her pain. I wept uncontrollably. I think I cried for a week. The pain of that moment felt so deep to my young heart. At the time I didn’t realize that my internal fears and heartache were manifesting themselves in other areas of my life. My parents had been arguing for months and deep down I was scared. When I lost my kitty all the emotions bottled up in my young heart came pouring out. I was broken and the only thing that would truly heal my brokenness was literally the name of Jesus, I just didn’t understand that at the time. I was the one who needed saving. I viewed God like a genie. Ask what I want and get my wish. And surely if I added “in Jesus name” the magic would happen. When I look back at the circumstances now, I realize I was terrified. I was lonely. I was afraid of a future that looked different. I didn’t understand that even if my kitty was miraculously healed, even if my parents did get back together. My heart would still feel that lonely emptiness and the only One Who could fill it was Jesus. We women are emotional creatures. When something is burrowed deep down in the recesses of our hurting hearts it boils to the surface manifesting itself in every area of our lives. We either become angry or bitter, sad, depressed or even mean. We snap at little things or cry over an innocent comment. We don’t dig to see what’s truly wrong because we don’t want to face that darkness. What is weighing your heart down today my friend? How have your emotional reactions been? Does your heart feel empty? Do you feel alone or scared, stressed or anxious? Can I tell you something? Jesus is the answer to all of the above. Jesus name is the answer to your brokenness. Maybe you are scared about an unknown future or a situation that seems hopeless. Perhaps you’ve never received the gift of Jesus and have not experienced His presence in your life or perhaps you have, but you’ve buried His comfort and goodness deep down under piles of heartache and forgotten that there is power in His name. He is your answer. He has never left you, but you’ve forgotten His peace that passes all understanding. Just a few years later I heard the beautiful story from God’s word of how He sent His only Son to die for me. For my sins. My heart was pricked. What a Love was this!! I knelt down that day and repented. I spoke His name. I asked Him to be my Savior. My brokenness was mended, my fears were gone and His comfort wrapped around me with a peace I never knew existed. He wasn’t just some magic God that answered prayers like a genie. He was my Father, my Savior, and my eternal Friend. His beautiful name truly saved me from my brokenness. He forgave me of every sin~past and present and I knew that He was all I would ever need no matter what my future held. Check your heart sweet sister. Dig deep. Is Jesus there? Have you forgotten His love, joy and peace and buried it deep beneath the heartache and hurt, stress and anxiety or fear and anger you are feeling? Do you need to be released from your pain? Go down into that darkness and let His light shine all over that mess. Speak His name. That beautiful name. Allow Him to save you from your brokenness~ forever, just speak His name.
5/6/2020
Rain Showers and Dark DaysRAIN SHOWERS AND DARK DAYS
This morning I sat in bed. It was dark and the lamp next to my bed gave the room a soft, cozy glow. God’s word was open on my lap, but I wasn’t reading. I wasn’t praying. I was listening. It was raining. Hard, driving, continuous rain. And I remembered. I remembered a time when I was only 4 or 5. A day just like this. I was in the family room with my mom. I think she was ironing. The room was dark as rain cascaded in heavy streams down the windows. And a lamp was on. I can vividly remember looking at the rain and looking at the cozy glow the lamp gave the room, and looking up at my beautiful mom. And I felt safe and I felt loved. I felt cozy. I felt like I didn’t want that feeling to end. Ever. Every time it rains I think of that day. I think that’s why I’m a bit weird in that, I love rain showers and dark days. They bring me back. Sometimes it’s such a good feeling. Like being wrapped in a soft, comfy blanket. I love the coziness I feel inside my home. And then there are other days. Other days when life is hard and heartache or pain have hit me out of no where, days like today that make me weep, because I want to go back. I want the freedom that comes with being a child again. No responsibilities. No need to be strong for everyone. No pain. No heartache. No real, deep down, debilitating hurt. My mom. I want my mom. I’m a grandma and there are still days I want to go back. There are still days I want my mom. So I look down at my lap. And through the tears I see a love letter written just for me. And even though the words become blurred due to my tears, He tells me this~ “As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted....” Isaiah 66:13 My mom is gone. I have bad days. I have heart wrenching, pain filled days. I am not always strong. I have days where all I want to do is cry and go back. Back to that little girl who looked up at her beautiful mom and knew everything was right and good and safe. And then God whispers to my heart and I realize that even though I am a grandma, I will always be God’s little girl. He will always be there to comfort me. He doesn’t scold, even when I lose it and cry and tell Him I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this adult thing. He just loves me and tells me that He knows. And then He holds me and comforts me. He tells me it’s okay as I let the tears fall. Just like that rain. And just like that old lamp, When I look up at Him I can suddenly feel that cozy, safe glow inside my heart~ and I know Everything will be right, and good. I am safe. I am loved. I am held in His arms forever. The weight of the world is lifted and released from my heavy heart and I am a carefree child again. I am His child. And so are you. “For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26 |
© 2020 HOLDING HOPE