2/26/2020
I Miss My KidsI MISS MY KIDS
Tonight I walked upstairs to brush my teeth and it hit me. I miss my kids. How many times had I walked up these very stairs to tuck them in at night? They don’t live across the country. They don’t even live an hour away. They live right here in my hometown. But now and then, I still miss them. I miss washing dinner dishes on a Monday night, as I hear them all laughing with their daddy in the other room. I miss all of us squeezing in together on the couch for family movie night. I miss having an after school snack ready for them as they walked through the door. I miss helping them with homework and school projects, floats and parades. I miss telling them to get their pajamas on and brush their teeth. I miss praying with them every night, kissing them and tucking them in. I miss checking on them in the soft moon light and watching them sleep. I miss getting them all ready for church, and the chaos of getting out the door on time. I miss watching them play in the backyard, washing dirty clothes and folding endless laundry. I miss their bad dreams and long nights. I miss being exhausted from those long nights, because they were there next to me so I could keep them safe. I miss hearing them fight and watching them make up. I miss their snuggles, love notes and hand written coupons on every special occasion for “extra kisses and hugs”. I miss telling them to pick up their toys and clean their rooms every single day. I miss cheering them on for every sport activity or band performance. I miss being at the school to help them with costumes or watch Christmas plays or bring in birthday snacks. I miss the magic of Christmas morning and the fun of Easter baskets. I miss their smell, their laughter, their endless questions. I miss them needing me. Everything you think is so wonderful and everything you think is so very hard~ Young mama~ that’s what I miss. And someday when they are grown and married and you wonder what they’ve been up to and how they are, when you wish you could spend just a little more time or talk a little longer, when they tell you they are busy or laugh and say you’re being nosey~ You remember this day. Today. Today when you get to do all the hard stuff. Because at the end of today~ you get to hold them close, you get to feel their soft kisses and hear their little declarations of love. And tomorrow mama, tomorrow you get to do it all over again, until the tomorrow comes when you don’t get to anymore. 
2/19/2020
This Mundane Marriage ThingTHIS MUNDANE MARRIAGE THING~
Back in 1985, the church we were married in always had the bridal party wait in the back stairwell after the ceremony. Once everyone was dismissed we then emerged for final pictures before the reception. I will never forget those moments after I had just been pronounced his wife. Hidden in that stairwell. We couldn’t stop kissing and laughing and talking about how much fun our wedding was, and how we would do it all over again. As I think about this, I recall a talk I had with my mom the last year she was alive. She told me that despite many ups and down through the years, it was like she and dad were honeymooners all over again. She passed away a few short months later. She was 62. I can’t seem to get that off of my mind. What if I only have a few short months left with my husband? What happened to that girl that was in the stairwell? The girl who couldn’t stop kissing. The girl who couldn’t stop smiling. I get mad at the clothes laying on the floor in the bathroom. I get irritated when he leaves his coat flung everywhere~except on a hook just inside the front door. I want to strangle him when he walks across clean floors with dirty, wet shoes. I get hurt when life is weighing on him and he loses his patience with me or falls asleep while I’m talking to him. And sometimes I want to smother him with my pillow when he won’t stop snoring. Stupid, petty things. A lot can change in 34 years. Maybe your own marriage has changed. You find yourself saddened that the honeymoon seems to be over. The romance and spark has been replaced with irritability. Your marriage has become mundane. It doesn’t have to be this way, in fact, it never should be this way~no matter how old you are or how long you have been married. Don’t waste another day upset over petty things, irritated or hurt because you lack an empathetic heart. That boy you married is the man sitting next to you now. That smile he had for you is still the same. Is yours? Maybe it’s just hidden. Hidden in an old stairwell. You can share that laughter again ~ If you choose to look for it by finding the good. In the clothes on the floor~ because one day they might not be there. In the coat flung someplace different on a daily basis~ because even though he was busy, he ran errands for you. In the wet shoe prints through the house~ because he shoveled all that snow. In the lack of patience ~ because he’s working several jobs to pay the bills. When he falls asleep~ because he’s getting up at 5 am to work those jobs. When he’s snoring~ because his presence brings comfort and peace in the darkness of night. He is your constant. Your best friend. There’s always, always something good if we choose to truly look for it. When we change our hearts towards our husbands and our hearts become thankful~ our marriages will look a whole lot different. Every day can be like a honeymoon. And you can be that girl ~kissing and laughing and saying~ I would do it all over again.
2/10/2020
Can God Restore What Is So Broken?CAN GOD RESTORE WHAT IS SO BROKEN?
I could hear them screaming at each other upstairs. Again. Crying ensued followed by slamming doors and the words “I hate you!”. This was a daily occurrence and one that broke my heart. Teenage sisters living in the same room. One mirror. Three girls. Daily fights. I didn’t have a sister. I always wanted one. This was not what I imagined when they were little. I had this idea that they would grow up to be best friends. Sharing secrets and dreams. Doing each other’s hair, sharing outfits, actually wanting to be together. I never imagined feeling exhausted before my day even began. I never imagined myself crying as they left for school every day or begging God to heal a relationship that I thought could never be healed. I kid you not, it was something that went on almost every day for a year. I truly believe they hated each other that year. It was something I went to God about daily, begging Him to change hearts and restore what was broken. I have to admit, I didn’t have a whole lot of faith when I went to Him. I wasn’t sure He could restore what was SO broken. But He could. And He showed me it had nothing to do with me being some perfect parent and everything to do with Him being a perfect Savior. It had nothing to do with my prayers but everything to do with His promises. Yes He wanted me to go to Him in my despair. Yes He wanted me to lean on Him, have faith in Him, trust Him for the healing~ but when my flesh failed me, He did not. Don’t ever stop praying mama, even after your prayers have been answered. It’s not the power of your prayers that will make a difference in your children’s lives it’s the power of the One who hears our prayers and answers. And He will answer. It might take years. It did in my situation and there are still moments where those old days flare their ugly head and the deceiver tries to convince those girls that some things never change. But God. God is faithful. He is more powerful. His Spirit continually reminds them to think on what is true and good and righteous. To love like He loves and forgive as He forgives. He softens their hearts and He reminds them Who their hearts belong to. So go to Him mama. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (or sister)~~ but it’s a beautiful thing when that sister is also a best friend. A MOTHER WORRIED ABOUT HER CHILD, A CHILD WORRIED ABOUT HER MOTHER.
Many tears have been shed this week. How easy it is to pen the words~ Trust in the Lord at all times~ until those times fall heavy upon your own shoulders. My daughter’s son has been extremely sick this week. The hardest part is watching the pain precious Gabe has been in. It is heartbreaking. The sad thing is, we can’t figure out why. It’s scary when your child asks if you will please give him a shot so he will feel better. What toddler voluntarily asks for a shot? Worry has crept into every single minute of every single day. One sleepless night after another and despite an ER visit, every day the pain continues. A mother, worried about her child. My sweet friend has been in the hospital. She has been like a grandma to me, and like me~she was also a pastor’s wife. I can’t tell you how often she has blessed my life with words of encouragement and wisdom, with stories that had me laughing and crying. She’s a treasure to me. Her daughter has been by her side continually. What seemed like a cautious ER visit turned into the very real possibility that sweet Dorothy would be seeing Jesus very soon. So many tears have been shed. Watching your mother in so much pain, struggling to breathe and not knowing if each breath will be her last. One sleepless night after another. A child, worried about her mother. Heartache, trials and pain are no respecter of people or age. Today I do not know the outcome or have answers for either, but this I know~ My almighty Father does. I’m not going to pretend it’s simple or easy to trust Him through this, it’s been hard. But I know how very much He loves my daughter, He loves Dorothy’s daughter and most important~ how very much He loves my grandson and my friend. Jeremiah 31:3 So every day, every minute I ask Him to hold them. To allow them to feel the peace of His comforting arms around them. Isaiah 26:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3 I don’t try to hide my tears. They have been flowing and that’s okay, because I know that my Savior wept. John 11:35 He understands sadness. He understands my tears. I will cling to Him in His goodness and hold tight to His promises. 2 Peter 1:4 Whatever you are going through right now, no matter how deep or how dark or how painful it is~ you are not alone. Micah 7:8 He is with you! He is with you!! He is with you!!! Matthew 28:20 Get that! He will never ever leave. Hebrews 13:5 You don’t have to be afraid of evil tidings. Fix your eyes on Jesus and trust in Him. Psalms 112:7, Proverbs 3:5-6 And when you feel the trust won’t come, when the worry overwhelms you and the fear grips your heart~ cry out to Him~ “Jesus I believe, help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24 Let faith whisper to your soul the very words of your Father~ “I am with you. Nothing can separate you from my love. Romans 8:39 With Me~ everything is possible.” Luke 1:37 A mother, worried about her child. A child, worried about her mother. A Father tenderly holding them both. Psalm 103:4, Revelation 21:3-4 “And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:45 *** I wrote this on Wednesday. On Friday my sweet friend Dorothy took her last breath and was immediately in the presence of Jesus. I’m so thankful God gave me the precious gift of her friendship. She will be so missed. Thankfully,my grandson has turned the corner and we are finally starting to see our precious Gabe almost back to normal. |
© 2020 HOLDING HOPE