We used to call our youngest our “million dollar baby”. Six months after Kathryn was born and right as the school year was starting, Mike got a job two hours away from home. For a while, we only got to see him on the weekends. As each week went by, the days got harder and harder. Not only because I missed him so much, but also because our baby was continually sick. Kathryn would not sleep. With tears rolling down my face, I would pace the house all night trying to get her to calm down, looking out my window at the other home’s serene darkness and envying the sleep they were all getting. And then, when daylight came and she was finally asleep, it was time to get the other three up and take my two oldest to school. Loading them all into our car and driving on a half hour of sleep then coming home and crying some more. It was sheer exhaustion. Kathryn wasn’t just a fussy, colicky baby. She had continual fevers and rashes. Our doctor’s office was my second home. After many tests, we found out she was allergic to my breast milk. Our finances were very slim and after trying several formulas, the only one that worked cost us half of our grocery allowance each week. This was only the beginning with her. Among so many other things, she had a urinary tract infection and spent a week in the hospital. She also broke her collar bone when she was three, and the list goes on. Those first few years seemed so hard at the time. I was so tired and felt so alone. I looked at other families and envied them. I felt sorry for myself and asked God why He chose to make Kathryn so sick. But when I look back at those times, I can see the hand of God in each desperate moment I went through. I can see His answers to prayer as I cried out to Him. I can see the sweet fellowship I had with Him because there were long days and nights that I had no other adult to talk to. I can see how I learned to lean completely and totally on Him instead of leaning so much on my husband. I can look back and praise His name for carrying me through and strengthening me when I felt so weak, something I wouldn’t be able to do if those years had been an easy bed of roses. My God sustained me and loved me when I felt like I had nothing left to give.
I wasn’t pacing back and forth alone all those nights, Christ was walking with me. I wasn’t driving in my own strength back and forth to the school every day, Christ was driving for me. I wasn’t crying alone in the darkness of desperation. He was there next to me, holding me and wiping away my tears. He knew my pain and He carried me through it all.
Whatever you might be going through, know that your Savior is right there next to you. You are not alone. His tremendous love for you resulted in His crucifixion on a cross of anguish and pain. There is no one in this universe that loves you more and that wants to help you through your situation, whatever it might be. See Him next to you now as you read this? Let Him wipe away your tears and give you the strength your heart is desperately crying out for. He will continually sustain you, you need only lay your weary head on Him and find complete peace and strength in His understanding arms.
Philippians 4:13 Deuteronomy 31:6 Isaiah 41:10 Isaiah 40:31 Matthew 11:28 Psalms 31:24