5/6/2020
Rain Showers and Dark DaysRAIN SHOWERS AND DARK DAYS
This morning I sat in bed. It was dark and the lamp next to my bed gave the room a soft, cozy glow. God’s word was open on my lap, but I wasn’t reading. I wasn’t praying. I was listening. It was raining. Hard, driving, continuous rain. And I remembered. I remembered a time when I was only 4 or 5. A day just like this. I was in the family room with my mom. I think she was ironing. The room was dark as rain cascaded in heavy streams down the windows. And a lamp was on. I can vividly remember looking at the rain and looking at the cozy glow the lamp gave the room, and looking up at my beautiful mom. And I felt safe and I felt loved. I felt cozy. I felt like I didn’t want that feeling to end. Ever. Every time it rains I think of that day. I think that’s why I’m a bit weird in that, I love rain showers and dark days. They bring me back. Sometimes it’s such a good feeling. Like being wrapped in a soft, comfy blanket. I love the coziness I feel inside my home. And then there are other days. Other days when life is hard and heartache or pain have hit me out of no where, days like today that make me weep, because I want to go back. I want the freedom that comes with being a child again. No responsibilities. No need to be strong for everyone. No pain. No heartache. No real, deep down, debilitating hurt. My mom. I want my mom. I’m a grandma and there are still days I want to go back. There are still days I want my mom. So I look down at my lap. And through the tears I see a love letter written just for me. And even though the words become blurred due to my tears, He tells me this~ “As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you; and ye shall be comforted....” Isaiah 66:13 My mom is gone. I have bad days. I have heart wrenching, pain filled days. I am not always strong. I have days where all I want to do is cry and go back. Back to that little girl who looked up at her beautiful mom and knew everything was right and good and safe. And then God whispers to my heart and I realize that even though I am a grandma, I will always be God’s little girl. He will always be there to comfort me. He doesn’t scold, even when I lose it and cry and tell Him I’m not strong enough, I can’t do this adult thing. He just loves me and tells me that He knows. And then He holds me and comforts me. He tells me it’s okay as I let the tears fall. Just like that rain. And just like that old lamp, When I look up at Him I can suddenly feel that cozy, safe glow inside my heart~ and I know Everything will be right, and good. I am safe. I am loved. I am held in His arms forever. The weight of the world is lifted and released from my heavy heart and I am a carefree child again. I am His child. And so are you. “For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26
3/4/2020
You Can’t Do ThisYOU CAN’T DO THIS
Everyone deals with grief or pain or heartache differently. Some people talk about it. They cry openly. They pray and seek God. And the harder things seem, the more they seek Him. Sadly my flesh is not that way. Ever since I was a child, whenever I was faced with something sad and overwhelming I would determine not to think about it. I would push it as far back in my mind as I could and if it popped back up, I would shove it down further. Until I broke. When my mom passed away I remember being on stage at her funeral. I sat at a large, white grand piano with my girls and we sang~”There Will Always Be A Christmas in Heaven.” My mom loved Christmas. I didn’t shed a tear that day, and so many people asked how I was able to do that. I smiled and I lied and I mumbled something about God giving me the strength, when in reality I refused to think about it. When people asked, I said I was fine. But I wasn’t. A month later, on Christmas night I broke. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed heart wrenching tears that wouldn’t stop. I finally admitted I wasn’t fine. I told God I couldn’t do it alone. And yet, every single time I’m faced with heartache, somehow I think I can handle it on my own. I shove it back into my mind and down deep into my heart and press on in my own strength~ but every single time I break. I fall before God and cry out to Him. And I wonder how He continues to love me, lift me back up and restore my brokenness. I do this with big things like grief, and I do this with little things like the pressures of everyday demands that weigh on my shoulders and get heavier and heavier until I can no longer carry them anymore. Why do I do this? When will I learn? I can’t do this. Not without Him. And so, this morning when I woke up and looked ahead at everything that needed to be accomplished today, this week, this month~ Today when I didn’t want to get out of bed. Today when I drank a little more caffeine and tried to give myself the pep talk of “you can do this Charisse”. Today God told me I can’t. Today God told me to pick up His word, to listen for His words of encouragement and to give it all to Him. And so I did. Tomorrow I might fall again. I might fall over and over again. But I am so thankful for my God Who doesn’t look at my yesterday’s and hold them against me. My God Who gives me a brand new day to start over. My God who continually picks me up, wipes away my tears and tells me~ I will do it for you. A MOTHER WORRIED ABOUT HER CHILD, A CHILD WORRIED ABOUT HER MOTHER.
Many tears have been shed this week. How easy it is to pen the words~ Trust in the Lord at all times~ until those times fall heavy upon your own shoulders. My daughter’s son has been extremely sick this week. The hardest part is watching the pain precious Gabe has been in. It is heartbreaking. The sad thing is, we can’t figure out why. It’s scary when your child asks if you will please give him a shot so he will feel better. What toddler voluntarily asks for a shot? Worry has crept into every single minute of every single day. One sleepless night after another and despite an ER visit, every day the pain continues. A mother, worried about her child. My sweet friend has been in the hospital. She has been like a grandma to me, and like me~she was also a pastor’s wife. I can’t tell you how often she has blessed my life with words of encouragement and wisdom, with stories that had me laughing and crying. She’s a treasure to me. Her daughter has been by her side continually. What seemed like a cautious ER visit turned into the very real possibility that sweet Dorothy would be seeing Jesus very soon. So many tears have been shed. Watching your mother in so much pain, struggling to breathe and not knowing if each breath will be her last. One sleepless night after another. A child, worried about her mother. Heartache, trials and pain are no respecter of people or age. Today I do not know the outcome or have answers for either, but this I know~ My almighty Father does. I’m not going to pretend it’s simple or easy to trust Him through this, it’s been hard. But I know how very much He loves my daughter, He loves Dorothy’s daughter and most important~ how very much He loves my grandson and my friend. Jeremiah 31:3 So every day, every minute I ask Him to hold them. To allow them to feel the peace of His comforting arms around them. Isaiah 26:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3 I don’t try to hide my tears. They have been flowing and that’s okay, because I know that my Savior wept. John 11:35 He understands sadness. He understands my tears. I will cling to Him in His goodness and hold tight to His promises. 2 Peter 1:4 Whatever you are going through right now, no matter how deep or how dark or how painful it is~ you are not alone. Micah 7:8 He is with you! He is with you!! He is with you!!! Matthew 28:20 Get that! He will never ever leave. Hebrews 13:5 You don’t have to be afraid of evil tidings. Fix your eyes on Jesus and trust in Him. Psalms 112:7, Proverbs 3:5-6 And when you feel the trust won’t come, when the worry overwhelms you and the fear grips your heart~ cry out to Him~ “Jesus I believe, help my unbelief.” Mark 9:24 Let faith whisper to your soul the very words of your Father~ “I am with you. Nothing can separate you from my love. Romans 8:39 With Me~ everything is possible.” Luke 1:37 A mother, worried about her child. A child, worried about her mother. A Father tenderly holding them both. Psalm 103:4, Revelation 21:3-4 “And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:45 *** I wrote this on Wednesday. On Friday my sweet friend Dorothy took her last breath and was immediately in the presence of Jesus. I’m so thankful God gave me the precious gift of her friendship. She will be so missed. Thankfully,my grandson has turned the corner and we are finally starting to see our precious Gabe almost back to normal. THIS~ HELPLESS, OUT OF CONTROL, MOM OF ADULTS~ PHASE.
Lately It seems as if I see more and more articles about the mom life and how hard it is. How fast it goes. I’ve read encouragement about everything from babies to teenagers and even advice as they leave for college or their happily ever after with the love of their lives. There are so many tough transitions through all these phases, but I rarely read about this new phase. This helpless, out of control, mom of adults phase. I thought crying babies who wouldn’t sleep was hard. I thought their first day of school and kindergarten graduation was hard. I thought their first crush, their first heartbreak, their college prep, senior trip and last summer at home was hard. When they went to college I cried my eyes out. When they got married I wasn’t quite ready. But once they leave~ really leave and are on their own~ no one tells you how incredibly hard that is. It’s hard because you feel like you no longer have any control whatsoever. They don’t live under your roof. You can’t protect them. And just as it was so very hard when they were little and sick and crying, this is even harder. I’m sure all of you moms have faced one of these situations. Suddenly they’re no longer tucked in upstairs, they’re hundreds of miles from home. They don’t have a cough or a tummy ache, they have cancer. They aren’t having a bad dream, they’re living a bad dream. They didn’t have an adolescent boy break their heart. They had a husband break their marriage. They didn’t lose their favorite baby doll. They lost a child. There are no band aids and kisses that can heal that pain. Mama rocking them to sleep doesn’t make all the bad go away. And this~ this is agonizing. It’s in our mom DNA to make that pain go away. To make everything better. To whisper words of comfort. To hold them and sing lullabies. To fix every boo boo and dry every tear. That’s what we’re supposed to do~ but we can’t. No one ever warned me what a mother’s heart goes through. Sleepless nights that don’t go away, no matter their age. They’re still your baby, and if they’re crying you are crying and your heart is shattered. So what then? What does a mama do when all seems so hopeless. When all control is lost and we can’t do what a mama is supposed to do? We realize that it was never really us to begin with. It was God in us. God in the touch of a mother’s hand. God in the whispers of her heart. God in the softness of her arms. God in the reassurance of her words. God has never left them and He never will. He is the one who will be there now. Continuing to do all these things that we no longer can. He will hold them. He will comfort them. He will whisper to their hearts. He will sing lullabies to their souls. They will never be alone. He will watch over them and wrap His loving arms around them. Trust Him that he will continue to do what He has been doing through you all along mama. It isn’t easy. It’s very, very hard. We as mothers would take that pain and heart ache for our children a thousand times over if we could. But we can’t. So now it’s time to give that pain and all the shattered pieces to Jesus. Place that child in His tender, loving arms and watch Him do miracles that mamas do, but no longer can. You know in your mama heart how deep your love for your children is. Hold on to that knowledge remembering~ His love is infinitely deeper than ours could ever be. Benign. Malignant.
One word that can change her life forever. 2 minute read The blankets were warm. The lights were dim. The voices were soft...compassionate. She was explaining to me what she would be doing, showing me the screen and the images. I watched as the needle went in, almost as if it wasn’t happening to me. But it was. And time stood still... Thousands of us have been here. Right here in this very moment. Holding our breath. Watching time stand still~ yet our life pass before our eyes. Waiting for the results that are finally spoken. And in the waiting, those who have been here before us have two options: To show that person empathy, or to show them apathy. To remember the fear, the anxiousness, the worry~ and to allow all of those pieces of our hearts to spill forth into our words~ or to thoughtlessly dismiss it because somehow you made it through. You were ok. But she may not be. I remember both reactions in those moments my life stood still. I will never forget the sweet compassion and heartfelt prayers of those who knew exactly what I was going through. As that needle went in and I watched, I felt God comfort my weary soul. I felt the prayers of loved ones wash over me and as time stood still, I heard my Savior whisper to my anxious heart that I would be okay... No matter what story that needle had to tell~I would be okay. Because He is my Father and even if I lost my very life, I would never, ever lose Him. And if my physical body had to endure tremendous pain in the process and I had no strength left to hold on~ I wouldn’t have to~ because He would be holding me. And my sisters would be holding me. Holding me in prayer and compassion. The compassion of those who had been there, who remembered the 60 seconds it took as the doctor told them their results. That compassion and those prayers allowed me the peace that passes understanding. 60 seconds that could change a person’s life forever. One word that could bring immense relief or heart wrenching sorrow. Benign. Malignant. So choose your words and actions wisely as you encounter a sweet soul going through the waiting. Remember exactly how you felt and what you wished someone had said to you. Only 60 seconds, but they could change her life forever. Your empathy can tell them a different story. A story of comfort and of hope. A story of a sister who will stay by their side and a Savior Who will carry them through. The story of peace that passes understanding~ No matter what story that needle has to tell. II Corinthians 1:3-4 Romans 12:15 Colossians 3:12 Galatians 6:2
6/5/2019
Glorious FlowersGLORIOUS FLOWERS
The other day while visiting my daughter I came across the stump of a tree they had cut down. It was the strangest thing~ sweet stickiness was bubbling up from inside that stump but the branches that were once attached lay brittle and lifeless. The beauty they once held had died. I gazed across the yard at another tree. It was standing strong with its branches all in tact, glorious flowers budding from every limb~and I smiled. I knew that I was like those limbs laying lifeless, because I hadn’t been attached to the strength of that Vine. With my dad being sick I’ve been emotional, tired, worried. I’ve let a cloud hover over my heart. I’ve let faith fall by the wayside of “what if’s”. I’ve allowed the struggles of life to take control instead of clinging to that Vine. Jesus is that Vine. The Vine that never fails. He is immovable and strong. Always there. And so I stop. I sit in the quietness of His presence. I ask everything of Him. I ask my Savior to speak to my heart. I ask Him to be my strength in the days ahead. I ask Him to renew my faith. I ask Him to show me life from His words so that I might bring glory to His name~ just like the glorious blooms of that beautiful tree across the yard. Days later I watched as my dad held on to the cane I recently purchased for him. The older gentleman that I bought it from explained to me that it was unique in that~ It was made from the strong roots of a tree. And I smiled. In that moment God’s glory was shown to me as my dad leaned on that vine. God whispered to my soul that not only would He always be my strength and support, He would be my dad’s as well. Glorious, joyful flowers bloomed in my heart that day. We cannot do this life if we are not attached to the Vine. All we need do is ask. Without Him we will be nothing but dead, brittle, lifeless branches. I want His sweetness to stick to my soul and His Vine to be my strength. I want His beautiful glory to make you smile. “I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered. If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” John 15:5-8, 11
5/29/2019
The Reality Of ManyTHE REALITY OF MANY
One minute the sun is shining. You’re smiling as you sing along to your favorite iTunes. It’s a perfect Saturday morning. The next minute you’re getting a call from your dad, asking to be taken to emergency. And everything changes. One week turns into two, and then three. For some people this scenario goes on for months or even years. Hospitals. Doctors. Sickness. You feel as if you are living in a dream. Emotional and physical fatigue take control of your normal routine. You can’t sleep at night and you can’t seem to drag yourself out of bed in the morning. You leave your loved one in the evening and hold your breath the next day, waiting to hear from them, trying not to think the worst. And then you do it all over again. You go through the day to day motions, not sure how you even managed. Not only do you find yourself wondering about the distant future, you wonder about tomorrow. You wonder about an hour from now. Sadly, this is the horrible reality of life for many. This is the person next to us in line at the store. This is the lady that quietly comes to church but sits alone. This is the cashier that takes our money with a tired smile. This is the waitress that takes our order with heavy shoulders. This is our brother. This is our sister. This is someone who needs us. Petty little things that disrupt our daily routine do not compare to the heartache others are quietly facing. We get angry over the long lines at the store. We lose our patience with the cashier for taking so long. We snap at the waitress who got our order wrong. We don’t get out of our seat to welcome that lady sitting all alone. Too often life revolves around “me.” We don’t open our eyes to those hurting all around us. We don’t look for opportunities to encourage those we speak to, because we are too busy focusing on ourself. Our day. Our schedule. Our “to-do’s” And all along that lady standing next to you is wondering if her daddy will see tomorrow. That wife is wondering if she will get to see another anniversary with her husband. That mom is wondering if her child will see another birthday. Don’t wait for your own crisis to recognize this. Something I found myself guilty of as I walked down the hospital corridor day after day. As I looked into the rooms of patients that had been there for months and into the tired, heartbroken eyes of loved ones. Look for opportunities to share a kind word, a smile, a meal, a hug. Offer to sit with a loved one who’s been sick far too long. Pick up groceries or run errands for a tired care giver. Look into the eyes of that cashier, that waitress, that person next to you in line, that lady sitting all alone. Look right past yourself and into their eyes. Truly see them. Then do your best to give them a little bit of that Saturday sunshine back again. WHEN “GOD WON’T GIVE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE” DOESN’T CUT IT.
I’ve been accused of living in a bubble. It used to upset me and I’d feel the need to defend myself. I watch the news. I know what’s going on in the world. Tragedy has hit home in my own life on more than one occasion. I know and understand the suffering of others. But maybe, just maybe my blog has become a bubble of pet answers and cute cliches, and I truly wasn’t seeing the deep despair some are living with on a daily basis. What answers do I give to those who feel as if they have no hope? How can I tell a mother that her children will be okay when that mother is facing debilitating heartache and despair in her own life? How can I speak words of hope to those who know all those same words, and still can’t grasp that hope? “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” doesn’t cut it. So what do I say? I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. As desperately as I want to, I can’t write some cute cliche that will answer all the heartache and pain you are going through. The only answer I have, the only answer I can cling to is this~ God loves you. When life is at its darkest, when those we love the most in this world have failed us~ failed us in a way that breaks us to the point we think there can be no return, God loves us. He is the only One Who loves us unconditionally~with grace and mercy. With power. With hope. With strength. With compassion and with comfort. And when there isn’t anything else left to cling to~ we cling to Him. When the pain is so deep we don’t have words left to say~we just ask Him to hold us and keep loving us because that’s all we have left in our emptiness. And we can know that He will never leave us. He will never forsake us. He will keep loving us amidst the anger we feel for the circumstances life has thrown at us. He will keep loving us when we stop believing He does. He will keep loving us when we can’t pray. When we have lost all faith. When we can’t function. When we can’t stop the tears from flowing. He will keep loving us. Cling to Him as He holds on to you. He won’t ever let go. Everything and everyone will eventually disappoint. But God. When you feel like there’s nothing left in this world to trust in~ trust this~ the One Who gave His only Son for you because of His unfathomable, indescribable, unending love ~ THAT love belongs to you. It is all yours. It wraps around your heart and soul and holds you when you think you can’t go on. God will never stop loving you. And if that is all we have left in this world, It is enough.
2/26/2019
Are You There God?ARE YOU THERE GOD?
In the late 1970’s, all the girls my age were reading the same book~ ‘Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret’. I was in junior high. I was boy~crazy, wore knee hi’s and couldn’t wait to grow up. Are you there God? Such silly things to talk to God about~ Boys and womanhood. Are you there God? I’m graduating high school and leaving for college. Scared and excited. Are you there God? The man of my dreams is asking to marry me. Are you there God? I’m moving hundreds of miles away. Away from everything and everyone I know and love. Are you there God? This little one is calling me mom. Do I even have a clue how to do this ‘baby’ thing? This ‘teenage’ thing? This ‘saying goodbye as they leave for good’ thing? Are you there God? Devastation has hit our country. The Twin Towers. Thousands are killed. Are you there God? I don’t think I can recover from the deep hurt this person caused. Are you there God? My sister in law died leaving six children. Her youngest only 6 days old. Are you there God? My mom is gone. The same year. I can’t breathe. Will I ever laugh again? Are you there God? Sickness, Celiac, mammograms, biopsies, abnormal cells. Are you there God? My dad has had a heart attack and stroke. Are you there God? My husband can’t see. He’s losing his sight.... Yes God is here. I could not have made it through without Him. He held me and carried me through each one of these moments in my life. He is here even now as I laugh with my dad. He’s here as I cherish memories of my mom and sister. He’s here as I gaze lovingly at my children, their spouses, their children. He’s here in the twinkle of my grandchildren’s eyes and the giggles of their hearts. He’s here in the whispers of my husband’s I love you’s. Even as He was there when I was boy~crazy and wanted to grow up too fast. It wasn’t silly to Him when I asked. Nothing is too silly, nothing is too hard and nothing is too sad, because He loves me. He knows everything about me. He understands. Just as He understands whatever it is you are facing at this moment. And He loves you. Are you there God? You are not alone. Ask Him today. He will answer your heart~ I am always here my child. Always. I will hold you. I will carry you through. All you need do is ask. Psalm 62:8, 139:17 Zephaniah 3:17 Philippians 1:6
1/22/2019
When You’ve Been Hurt DeeplyWHEN YOU’VE BEEN HURT DEEPLY
The bomb dropped in their backyard. Miraculously, it did not detonate. It shook the entire house with its force, but there was no apparent damage to the naked eye. I recently read about this event in the book ‘It’s Going To Be Alright’, a short biography of my friend’s sweet mother. I was in awe of the words as they came to life on the page. It was 1941, WWII England. Bombs and shelters and daily fears. The reality of which many of us know nothing about. Days later, as her mother picked up a piece of her beautiful crystal, the entire dish disintegrated in her hand. Unbelievably, each piece looked intact, but the bombs implosion had shattered its core. One touch and it fell apart. Her heart was broken as her cherished wedding present had to be disposed of. I have felt this way in my own life at times. I will be up on the mountain. Up on the top shelf, just like that crystal. Life will be good. Happy. Beautiful. One word. One thought. One memory~ and I fall apart. All because of a past hurt that shook me to my core. A hurt that broke my heart. A hurt that I thought I was past. A hurt that I believed I had forgiven. And yet it revisits me. It comes as an uninvited guest with no warning. And I am shattered. I don’t want to fight these feelings. I’m tired. I’m heart broken. I feel alone. The pain is too deep. So I stay there a while, just like that shattered crystal all over the floor. I might look like I have it all together to the naked eye. But I am broken. So I convince myself that I cannot be fixed. I can’t be glued together. I will never be what I once was. I am no longer of use in serving. And I give up. I can quote all the verses on forgiveness and comfort and God’s love. I’m supposed to have it all together, but inwardly... I dwell on the “befores”, when everything was still okay. Before the hurt. Before the bomb. Before I was shattered. I stay there and wish for it back. I allow myself to remain broken. But I am still treasured in my brokenness. I am still loved, even as shattered pieces laying on the floor. Unable to get up. My God will sweep me up. He will deeply love every tiny shattered piece of me. He will hold me in tenderness. He remembers who I am. He knows what I have become, yet He loves me still. I cannot put my shattered pieces back together again. Only He can. He holds all those tiny pieces in a box of His making. Not the beautiful display piece I want the world to see. But the beautiful brokenness that He alone holds together. That He alone sees. I am put back up on a shelf. Not on display, but tenderly held and protected under the shadow of His wing. Because I am so cherished that I cannot be thrown away. I am a beautiful reminder of love. Just like the cherished crystal. He holds me there. He tells me I’m okay. I am loved. I am not alone Because I am His. And just as He forgave~despite all the reasons not to, and SO loved, through His strength I can do the same. I can be beautiful again. My life can serve a purpose. But only in His box. All my brokenness. All the shattered pieces. Protected and held by Him. I may not ever know the reason behind the hurt, and even though I don’t understand the pain~ I know He does~ And He can, and will use it for His good. And maybe someday, someone will read about it, just like I read about the beautiful, broken crystal. And in the reading they will be reassured and know~ It’s Going To Be Alright. Jeremiah 29:11 Isaiah 63:9 Isaiah 46:4 Isaiah 41:10 Psalm 43:5 Psalm 46:1-3 Psalm 62:8 Psalm 139:1-18
12/4/2018
Don’t Lose Heart In The NowDON’T LOSE HEART IN THE NOW
It was almost Christmas when our family moved from Ohio to MI to live with my parents. It had been a long and lonely few months up until this time. My husband had been working out of state all week and I was left alone with our four small children, our youngest being only 8 months old. We enrolled our kids in the same school my husband graduated from. It was an exciting time. Christmas was right around the corner and we were sure a pastorate position would be as well. All was right with the world. We thought. God had different plans that year. It started with Andrea’s teacher informing us that she was extremely behind in her class. She told us that the class already knew the entire alphabet, but that Andrea could not identify one letter. We were in shock, she had been getting such good grades at her previous school. Her sweet teacher suggested we start out with flash cards and work with her every night. From the beginning. I had panic moments. How could I teach her the entire alphabet when she was already so behind? There were many, many long nights. Lack of patience and crying often ensued (from mom and daughter). It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on. I would hold up a card, Andrea would look at the card, then at me. Directly at my mouth every time. Apparently she had gotten very good at lip reading and instead of identifying what the letter was, she was waiting for me to mouth the word. She didn’t know the truth, she was only imitating. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, the next 8 months weren’t easy ones for our family. There was a lot of praying. A lot of crying. Some fighting. A lot of trusting. And so much learning. During that time, Andrea wasn’t the only one learning, I was as well~ Learning to trust God was a big one. Not just with the alphabet incident, but also in the circumstances of life that surrounded us. Next on the list would be the realization that our children watch everything that we as parents do, in every situation. How we act. How we react. We are teaching them in every moment we live and their little eyes are soaking it all up. A parent can send their child to the best school, the best church, the best children’s programs, but ultimately as important as all these things are~ God has chosen YOU as the most important person He wants your child to learn from. YOU have to teach them. They might imitate the good behavior they learn at church. They might know all the right answers from the lessons they are taught~ but the truth of life’s lessons, the hard lessons, God’s lessons~you’re the one that will teach them that. They can imitate their teachers or their church leaders, but every single day, every single moment, they are watching you and the truth you are teaching them by the life you are living. It will be hard. There will be times that it will be very hard. There will be panic moments, lack of patience, fighting and even crying. There will be a lot of praying. Don’t give up. Every night for 2 hours I worked with Andrea. It wasn’t easy for either of us. She finally got it. Months later when that pastorate position became available in a little town called Caseville, her teacher told us she was ahead in her class and doing very well. Twenty Five years later Andrea teaches as a substitute at that very school. One day, your children will have children. They will teach them the lessons they learned from you, whether they were good or bad. I know I made many mistakes through the years, mistakes I see my own children replicating at times, but I also see the amazing ways God allowed them to see some of the good too. It’s very humbling to watch your own adult children. When the days and nights seem long and hard, you think that day will never come~but it will. And then you realize it came too fast. Don’t lose heart in the now. Stay with it mom. Teach them. Pray with them. Discipline them but most of all, love on them. Then, one day watch with a heart that is full, as they do the same. Psalm 78:2-4, 6-7
8/21/2018
When You’ve Been MistreatedWHEN YOU’VE BEEN MISTREATED
I just want to wallow in it. I’m fighting the pricking of my heart because~ I. Deserve. To. Wallow. How many times can a person get mistreated? How many times can I get knocked down and pick myself back up again? I don’t want to get back up. I want to be angry inside. I want to cry. I want to run away. I definitely don’t want to read my bible or pray. Not now. My heart knows what God is whispering to it~ I block my ears like a little child. It’s not fair It’s too hard I can’t do this anymore. Let me have my moment. But God keeps whispering~ He will keep bringing me back to this place over and over again~ Until I realize Jesus. Today I only realize Charisse. God knows my circumstances. They aren’t accidental. He wants me to see Jesus in every moment~ Even in the mistreatment and hurt. He whispers to my soul~ Be kind Be tender hearted Forgive~ as I forgave you. I am undone. His words pierce my heart. I can forgive I can be kind I can be tender hearted I can love again Because~ I can do all things through Him~ And that’s exactly what He would do. “To the saint, personal insult becomes the occasion of revealing the incredible sweetness of the Lord Jesus” “The disciple realizes that it is his Lord’s honor that is at stake in his life, not his own honor” “Never look for justice, but never cease to live it” Oswald Chambers        
8/8/2018
Lift Your Hand And Let GoThere is a sphere. It continually turns, as water gently cascades across its surface. It sits in a waiting room and when my children were younger, the first time they saw it they were in awe. It was limitless. It was powerful. It was beautiful~yet, with the simple touch of their tiny hand they could stop it all. Without realizing it, we often limit God’s power in every hard situation we face. We compartmentalize what we believe God can and can’t do in our lives. In our messes. In our anxieties, in our fears, in our unknowns and in the world around us. We might hear the trite words~ “God does everything for a reason”. Or~”you just need to pray about it more”. Although meant to be, these aren’t words of comfort. They are often pet answers from a sincere heart that has no answers. Perhaps a heart that hasn’t truly been intimate with God’s power. And we limit God. God can do anything. ANYTHING! Just like that sphere, when our hands interfere and our hearts disbelieve-God’s beautiful glory no longer cascades across our lives and the lives around us. And we ask “why God, why?” And the whole while our sweet Father is telling us-“lift your hand of disbelief away and allow my power and my glory to wash over you. Let Me show you what I can do in your life.” In the waiting. That job situation. That school situation. That hurting marriage. That crying infant. That rebellious teenager. That health scare. That loved one’s illness. That unknown future. I used to watch my children as their tiny fingers touched that sphere and think about how big they looked next to it, as if they had the world in their hands. They held the power to control its beauty. And then, I couldn’t help but think~ My God is so much bigger. The reality of our minute stature hits me hard~ He holds our world in His hands and we hold His power in our hearts. With Him, anything is possible. ANYTHING Lift your hand. Let go. Watch God’s power, glory and beauty cascade over your life and just believe. Just believe. “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,” Ephesians 3:20 “God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this; that power belongeth unto God.” Psalms 62:11 “Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.” Matthew 22:29 “Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.” Psalms 71:18 “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” John 1:12 “But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble.” Psalms 59:16 “And they were all amazed at the mighty power of God.” Luke 9:43a “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?” Jeremiah 32:27 “I know that thou canst do every thing, and that no thought can be withholden from thee.” Job 42:2 “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” Psalms 55:22 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
4/15/2018
Momentarily Mixed Up MamaMOMENTARILY MIXED UP MAMA
No one really told me exactly what to expect after having babies. It was all the rage in CT in the 80’s to go all natural. With my first pregnancy we went to the Lamaze classes, toured the hospital, read the books on natural child birth and bringing baby home~ but no one warned me about the hormones and how messed up I might feel inside afterward. I ended up going the “all natural” route with our first until the last five minutes and even though the Doctor told me medication would take at least 20 minutes to kick in, I insisted. Three minutes later Jessica was born. So, my next baby was born with no medication whatsoever. First and last time I did that. Ohio had different views on labor and delivery. The doctors there were all about the epidural and being pain free (thank the Lord) so, I actually got to enjoy my last two deliveries. But~the hormones with each baby when I got back home~ that was another story, and I never talked to anyone about it. I held it all inside. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. Both sets of parents came all the way from MI to CT to visit after Jessica was born and I can remember feeling so confused inside that I wanted to hide in my tiny bedroom. I didn’t even confide in my own mother or husband. I cried about everything, things that made absolutely no sense at all. I cried when I cleaned house, I cried when the sun was shining, I cried when Jessica wouldn’t sleep and I cried when she was sleeping. I cried when Mike left for youth activities and I cried when I caught our little kitchen on fire because I forgot I was preheating oil to brown some stew meat in. I felt like I was in an out of body experience. My body was doing the motions of wife and mother but my brain was far away and scared. The thing is, I felt like I was crazy or losing my mind so I was too scared to talk about it and even if I did talk about it, I had no idea how to explain my feelings to anyone. I couldn’t even explain how I was feeling to myself. So I bottled it in and cried. Things are so different today. Mothers are encouraged to talk about postpartum, to get help, to understand they aren’t crazy. As encouraging as it is to know that other mothers have been where you are, it’s still a very lonely and scary experience and it’s doubly hard because our husbands, our knights in shining armor, have no idea how to help us and probably think to themselves that their wife has lost her mind. So what are we supposed to do? NOT what I did. One thing I have learned in the 32 years I have been married is that open communication is critical in your relationship. Two have become one. You are not alone. Talk to your husband even if you don’t know what to say~ tell him exactly that! Tell him you can’t even explain what’s going on in your head and you have no idea what he could do to help you except possibly listen, have compassion, hold you and allow you to cry without trying to fix you. Ask him to try to understand that you don’t even understand. The second thing I learned is~ don’t feel silly telling your Doctor what you are going through. God put doctors in our lives for a reason. They will not think you are crazy because it has been happening to mothers since the beginning of time. They are there to help you, so allow them to do just that. And most important~prayer is vital. When I thought I was crazy, the only thing that brought me comfort was the fact that I knew my Heavenly Father knew me even when I didn’t know myself and He was with me through all the tears and every mixed up feeling. When I didn’t even know what to ask for or how to pray, when the only words I could utter were “please help me”, my heart knew that my all knowing Savior would do exactly that. Whether you are expecting and don’t know what to expect or you have just given birth to a little miracle yourself, take heart precious mama. Allow your husband, your Doctor and most importantly, your Savior to help you. God knew that only you would be the perfect wife and mother for your family when you were still in your own mother’s womb. Remember~you are exactly that~ a momentarily mixed up, gloriously grace covered, absolutely perfect and adored mama. 💕
11/18/2017
The Practice Of ThankfulnessChristmas was my mom’s favorite time of year. I think she started talking about it and planning it on January 1. The presents she would purchase, the dozens of different cookies she would bake, the meal menu and house decor. The family get togethers. It meant the world to her and when we lost her a little over a month before Christmas, I felt like I lost the world. So from Thanksgiving until Christmas, in my feeble strength, I attempted to push the sad thoughts as far as I could to the back of my mind and focus on everything and anything to take my mind off of the pain. I would become mom for everyone in my family, my brothers and especially my dad. With everything I did, my thoughts turned to mom and how she would do it. I baked endless amounts of various Christmas cookies, breads and candies. I wrapped each present perfectly. Every room was decorated. I was determined this would be an amazing Christmas for everyone. But it wasn’t. Anyone peeking into our windows that Christmas might have thought that everything appeared to be amazing, but our hearts were hurting. When I opened the gift my dad presented to me, my heart broke even more. It was a charm necklace my mom had purchased and engraved months before and it said~”All our love Mama and Daddy 2003”. I held on to that necklace like I was holding on to mom. She had picked it out and with all her love she had held it and thought of me. I choked back the tears for fear I would make everyone sad. I smiled and put it on, but inside my heart was weeping and that night after everyone was gone and my kids were in bed, I turned off the lights and with only the light of the Christmas tree, I broke down. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed~heart wrenching, take your breath away sobs from the pit of my being.
It can be so easy for someone to sit and write a blog about dealing with the stress of the holidays along with teething babies and diapers and terrible two’s or how to be thankful amidst the constant activities in our already busy lives and how this Thanksgiving we should focus on being grateful, but those things are all a part of life. If we can’t be thankful for the small things, God help us. So what about those that are going through the heart wrenching moments~ finding out a husband had an affair, the doctor informing you that you have cancer or worse~that your child has cancer, the death of a child, a sibling, a parent, a loved one. Losing your spouse and soul mate after 50 years together? How do those people find thankfulness amidst the heart ache? God has brought some amazing women into my life. Women that have suffered not just one of the things I mentioned, but all of them, and yet they shine the love of Jesus so brightly that you can’t help but smile when you are around them. How can they be this way despite everything they have been through? I truly believe they made a conscious choice to have a thankful heart from the very beginning. A gratefulness to God for everything, even the small stuff like diapers and terrible two’s. They looked for God’s goodness on their lives in every situation. They longed for God and saw that goodness and knew how very much He loved them and they held on to that hope and love when true heartache hit home. That Christmas, when I felt like utter darkness was surrounding me, I chose to cry out to God, the only One who truly understood my pain. He did something amazing in that moment. He showed me His Son, only a baby lying in my Christmas manger under the beautiful glow of the tree. The hope for an entire lost world, my lost world, and I thanked Him. I clung to Him that year, my hope and strength and life and love. My everything. And I thanked Him for His gift to me of salvation. Because of that baby, His only Son, I would see my mom again in Heaven one day. God gave me a thankful heart and it was my Christmas miracle. It isn’t easy to be thankful in the heart wrenching moments, especially if we are trying in our own feeble strength, focusing on anything and everything to take away the pain, except the Only One Who can. As we head toward the end of another year, this Thanksgiving focus on the ultimate gift. Our Savior, who was born in a manger and gave His life for us. You may not be going through anything painful this season, but perhaps you are allowing the small stuff to overwhelm your soul and take away your thankfulness. Instead~ Open your eyes to those around you. Look past what you think is such a hard situation and see the hurting hearts of others. Pray for them and daily choose to practice thankful and grateful hearts in the small stuff God has blessed you with. Allow it to be a learned behavior but most importantly focus daily on thanking Him for the gift of His Son and when you feel like the darkness is all around you, the glow of that gratefulness will shine through from deep within your heart and you will be able to say “thank you”. ❤️ Philippians 4:6-8
11/4/2017
Lost In The Lives Of OthersI wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder. I also wanted to be Anne of Green Gables, Karana from Island of the Blue Dolphins and Jo from Little Women, but Laura started it all. She was my favorite. I can remember my mom reading to us kids every single night growing up. We would all brush our teeth, put our pajamas on and snuggle up next to her on the couch. When I was really little she would read a story from our Children’s Bible and as I got older she started reading Little House books to me. It all started with Little House In the Big Woods. My sweet mom took time out every night from the “busyness” of her day, an extra half hour she could have easily taken for herself, and she gave it to me. She would read one chapter as I snuggled under the blankets, dreaming I was Laura and as each chapter ended, I would always beg for one more. She would always smile and tell me “tomorrow night” as she kissed my forehead and I would fall asleep dreaming of The Big Woods and the adventures that came with it. We lived on a farm and I would pretend to be Laura whenever I played outside. I got lost in her story and every night was a sweet and special time with my mom. Just the two of us.
We were going through a lot in our family those years on that farm. A lot of heart ache. Perhaps my mom enjoyed getting lost in Laura’s life as much as I did but whatever her reason, it was a memory I continually cherish. God brought us out of the heart ache of those years and changed our lives, our family and our futures. As I look back, it amazes me that as my mother was going through her own heart ache she took the time for me. She didn’t stay in a closed bedroom alone, shutting us children out. She focused on us. She put us first despite her own tremendous heartache. At the time, as a child I didn’t understand the extent of it. As an adult, knowing what I know now, if I had been going through the same thing I am afraid I would be tempted to hide in my room and wallow in my tears, shutting everyone and everything out. I still have my set of Little House books. They aren’t just books to me though. They’re a story of a time in my life that God used to change me and my outlook on handling terrible, heart wrenching situations. Yesterday marks 14 years that my mom has been gone now, but those times will live forever in my heart. Focus on others no matter your circumstance. Whether it’s your children or husband, friends or even strangers. God can change your situation in an instant if He so chooses, in the mean time let your heart be lost in the lives of others. Trust your Father. Some days I still feel like that 8 year old little girl with her soft, blonde curls, lying on a pillow of dreams and wanting to escape into someone else’s story. Perhaps that’s exactly what we need to be doing ourselves. Escaping into someone else’s story by investing in someone else’s life. When we are able to do this, God replaces the pain from our own stories with a gentle, unexplainable peace. And pretty soon we will be begging God to read us the next chapter and know with excitement that it’s a chapter of promise. A chapter of new beginnings. A chapter of hope. I love you mom! 💕 I Peter 4:10 Acts 20:35 I Peter 4:10-11 Matthew 20:28
10/21/2017
Get Into Focus“Why can’t I be normal?” We were on our way to another Doctor. Another specialist. Something wrong with me AGAIN. Tears filled my eyes. “And it’s always something strange with me, something that the doctor can’t figure out”. I was pouring my heart out to Mike. I felt like a constant disappointment not only to him but also to my children and church family. And every time something was wrong, it resulted in me being flat on my back. No use to anyone. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I was sure all the ladies at church thought I was a terrible pastor’s wife and my own children thought I was a huge disappointment as a mother.
Here’s the thing. Of all the posts that I’ve written, of all the stories I’ve shared of deliverance by God, of answered prayer, of trust in the Savior, at that moment I felt lost and completely alone again. In one tiny moment, just like that, it was all forgotten as I sat crying in pain. I am not some picture of Godliness, I have not arrived. I am human. I am weak. Ladies, that’s exactly where Satan wants us. He gets us to the point where we are so weak and so desperate that we begin to entertain thoughts that aren’t even true. We forget about every miraculous story of God’s deliverance and sit in our own pitiful pain and despair. We feel sorry for ourselves, and depending on the circumstance, maybe we have every right to, but we have absolutely no right to dismiss God and all He has done for us. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what we do when we allow ourselves to get to this point. God can do unexplained miracles in our life but all it takes is one Doctor uttering the words “way out of her league” or “abnormal” to scare us into thinking we are alone and forgotten. I guess that’s why the story of Moses and the Israelites has always intrigued me. How easy is it to read about the burning bush, the plagues, the Red Sea and judge the Israelites for their childish murmurings. How easy it is to say “how could they forget God’s miracles so quickly?” I guess one of the reasons we can be so quick to judge is because we can go back a few chapters and reread the miraculous story of God’s deliverance over and over and over. It’s a story that never gets old. My friend, your story will never get old. You just have to go back a few chapters and reread it. We have to push aside our childish murmurings and we have to mentally remind ourselves that He is OUR God of miracles and He has been, and always will be there for us. Take a moment today and write down one thing from your past that God helped you get through. Shut everything else out and focus on that. And then thank Him over and over throughout your day. Tomorrow, add another to your list and then the next day and the next and the next until one year from today you are adding the 365th way God has blessed your life. Your perspective will be completely changed. We can’t allow Satan to squirm his way in, because he will use any means necessary to take us away from our closeness with God. Focusing on ourselves is one of his best weapons. God made me laugh at myself even today as I typed the words at the beginning of this post~”I was pouring my heart out to Mike”. When I went back to read what I had written I laughed out loud. Auto correct changed “pouring” to “pouting”. “I WAS POUTING.” I’m sure that was all God. Funny how He uses things to get our attention. Switch your focus today and place it on the Savior and all the crazy, unexplainable, miraculous, beautiful ways He has blessed your life. Grab a pen, because today is only the beginning of your story, a story that you will want to read over and over again. A story that will never get old. Exodus 19:4 Ephesians 3:20 Proverbs 3:5-6
10/14/2017
You Are Not AloneWe used to call our youngest our “million dollar baby”. Six months after Kathryn was born and right as the school year was starting, Mike got a job two hours away from home. For a while, we only got to see him on the weekends. As each week went by, the days got harder and harder. Not only because I missed him so much, but also because our baby was continually sick. Kathryn would not sleep. With tears rolling down my face, I would pace the house all night trying to get her to calm down, looking out my window at the other home’s serene darkness and envying the sleep they were all getting. And then, when daylight came and she was finally asleep, it was time to get the other three up and take my two oldest to school. Loading them all into our car and driving on a half hour of sleep then coming home and crying some more. It was sheer exhaustion. Kathryn wasn’t just a fussy, colicky baby. She had continual fevers and rashes. Our doctor’s office was my second home. After many tests, we found out she was allergic to my breast milk. Our finances were very slim and after trying several formulas, the only one that worked cost us half of our grocery allowance each week. This was only the beginning with her. Among so many other things, she had a urinary tract infection and spent a week in the hospital. She also broke her collar bone when she was three, and the list goes on. Those first few years seemed so hard at the time. I was so tired and felt so alone. I looked at other families and envied them. I felt sorry for myself and asked God why He chose to make Kathryn so sick. But when I look back at those times, I can see the hand of God in each desperate moment I went through. I can see His answers to prayer as I cried out to Him. I can see the sweet fellowship I had with Him because there were long days and nights that I had no other adult to talk to. I can see how I learned to lean completely and totally on Him instead of leaning so much on my husband. I can look back and praise His name for carrying me through and strengthening me when I felt so weak, something I wouldn’t be able to do if those years had been an easy bed of roses. My God sustained me and loved me when I felt like I had nothing left to give.
I wasn’t pacing back and forth alone all those nights, Christ was walking with me. I wasn’t driving in my own strength back and forth to the school every day, Christ was driving for me. I wasn’t crying alone in the darkness of desperation. He was there next to me, holding me and wiping away my tears. He knew my pain and He carried me through it all. Whatever you might be going through, know that your Savior is right there next to you. You are not alone. His tremendous love for you resulted in His crucifixion on a cross of anguish and pain. There is no one in this universe that loves you more and that wants to help you through your situation, whatever it might be. See Him next to you now as you read this? Let Him wipe away your tears and give you the strength your heart is desperately crying out for. He will continually sustain you, you need only lay your weary head on Him and find complete peace and strength in His understanding arms. Philippians 4:13 Deuteronomy 31:6 Isaiah 41:10 Isaiah 40:31 Matthew 11:28 Psalms 31:24
10/7/2017
Giving Him ControlI'm married to a man who already gives me scenarios and instructions for when he's on his death bed. A man who reads the obituaries and sees the negative way more than he sees any positive. A "cup half empty" kind of guy. On the other hand, I'm always trying to see the good and the positive, you know~Mike and I at a nursing home, rocking side by side and hitting the big "1-0-0" together. He laughs at me and says he is a realist. I argue and say "with God anything is possible". 😉 So, our first year of marriage when I was 6 months pregnant and we moved 800 miles away from our homes and families, I tried to see the positive. When we were first dating and Mike told me his plans to move out east, I was in La-La land. All dreamy and in love. But then the reality of it all sank in and I'll just be honest, I cried the entire way. All I could think about was my parents and how they would be so far away and what if something happened to them and I wouldn't even be around to say goodbye. I tried to be positive as our little U-Haul turned down a side street that looked like something from a COPS show. I tried to stay positive with each house we passed.... "That one could be cute...Nope. Well, that ones not bad....Nope.....no, No, NOOO, PLEASE... that can't be it". BUT IT WAS. We were moving into a duplex and living on the first floor. The owners were wannabe farmers who owned a flock of geese penned in their tiny, tiny, city backyard, a yard that looked like a dumping ground for old cars. I hugged my baby belly a little tighter. Everything seemed to be a hazy grey. In the two years we lived there they had multiple dogs and cats. A flock of chicks living in their bath tub and a baby calf living in their hallway above us. We had fleas, we had roaches and we had mice, but despite what seemed like the worst, my heart changed for the better while I lived there. I made friendships with those crazy farmers that I probably never would have and this spoiled little daddy's girl became best friends with my husband. To others (including my parents who were worried sick that we were going to catch some crazy disease) this situation looked awful, but God showed me the beauty of it all. My first home with my best friend. When we look back on that time together, we smile and we even laugh. God knew it was exactly what we both needed. Not only did we learn to leave father and mother and seriously cleave to each other, we learned to trust in God completely, more than we ever had before and once we did, we were able to see beauty all around us. Despite my tears at leaving home and family behind, as I took my first steps into the duplex that day, I took my first steps into my new home. My NEW family's home. God knew that this was exactly what my childish heart, that relied so much on mom and dad, would need. And in His perfect timing, when He knew that I was ready, He would bring us all back together again. He showed me that my own children had to leave as they got married, to start their own "homes", their own "families". He showed me that it is God's plan for them to be best friends with their spouses first, and not mom or dad anymore, and that was ok and He made sure that my own dad is now living only a block down my street. At times it can be hard to look past the tears, past the now. At times it can be hard to trust in God and His plan. Hard to let go and give Him complete control instead of trying to control the situation for Him but if we don't, we will be missing out on so much of the beauty that's right in front of our eyes. If we aren't careful we might even be stealing some of that beauty away from our children. Allow your children to experience God’s beauty on their own. Don’t take that away from them no matter how hard you want to intervene and learn to look ahead at the beauty God has waiting for you. In the midst of what might seem the worst, God knows it’s for our best. Because He truly is our Father of miracles, miraculous beauty awaits you if you’ll learn to trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5-6
11/5/2016
Even When We Think We Are UnlovableWe were newlyweds and had our whole life mapped out. Mike had told me on our second date that he intended to move out east and become a youth pastor. I was in love and willing to go anywhere to be with him. We were dreamers and wanted to change the world. Barely three months into our marriage I found out I was pregnant. This was not part of the plan. Driving to my first Doctor appointment with my new husband, in bumper to bumper traffic and getting sick was not part of my big plan either. Pulling over in the middle lane so that I could throw up, but not being able to open the car door because of traffic, so throwing up into my new husband's hands (yes, his HANDS) was not part of "the dream". I was MORTIFIED! I was miserable. I was sick 24/7 and I cried the entire 700 miles to our new home. I felt like I had blown it. I was getting fatter every day and I wasn't the help meet I thought Mike wanted. There have been times in my life that I have felt like this with God too. I've blown it. I've ruined everything. How can God possibly use me? How can He forgive me? I've done things I'm ashamed of. But, HE LOVES US STILL. HE LOVES US MORE THAN WE CAN IMAGINE. Moving so far from home was probably one of the best things for our marriage and those beginning months when I was throwing up constantly, they only drew us closer. He loved me still. He loved me more. I leaned on him. Whatever you have gone through or are going through that has you convinced you have blown it with God, think again my friend. When Christ died on that cross, He took ALL our sins on Himself. Every future sin we would ever commit. Every single mess up. Because He loves us. Just like my poor husband held out his hands when I was sick physically, God's Son held out His hands for our spiritual sickness. There isn't anything in the world that you have done or could do that would make Him love you less. Nothing can change His love for you. Just like our new home, our new beginning drew us closer, this moment right now is your beginning to a new life, a new path, a closer walk with God. Lean on Him. He's not disappointed. You are everything to Him. When you feel beaten down, when you feel like you have done the unimaginable, think about my little story. God uses everything for good because He loves us, even when we think we are unlovable. What good came out of me throwing up (into my husband's hands 😩) in the middle of city traffic? My precious, beautiful baby Jessica. Turn your situation around today by looking to God. Draw closer to Him, lean on Him. Don't give up, but look to that beautiful, precious good He has ahead.
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