YOU CAN’T DO THIS
Everyone deals with grief or pain or heartache differently.
Some people talk about it.
They cry openly. They pray and seek God.
And the harder things seem, the more they seek Him.
Sadly my flesh is not that way.
Ever since I was a child, whenever I was faced with something sad and overwhelming I would determine not to think about it. I would push it as far back in my mind as I could and if it popped back up, I would shove it down further.
Until I broke.
When my mom passed away I remember being on stage at her funeral. I sat at a large, white grand piano with my girls and we sang~”There Will Always Be A Christmas in Heaven.”
My mom loved Christmas.
I didn’t shed a tear that day, and so many people asked how I was able to do that. I smiled and I lied and I mumbled something about God giving me the strength, when in reality I refused to think about it. When people asked, I said I was fine.
But I wasn’t.
A month later, on Christmas night I broke.
I didn’t just cry, I sobbed heart wrenching tears that wouldn’t stop.
I finally admitted I wasn’t fine.
I told God I couldn’t do it alone.
And yet, every single time I’m faced with heartache, somehow I think I can handle it on my own.
I shove it back into my mind and down deep into my heart and press on in my own strength~
but every single time I break.
I fall before God and cry out to Him. And I wonder how He continues to love me, lift me back up and restore my brokenness.
I do this with big things like grief, and I do this with little things like the pressures of everyday demands that weigh on my shoulders and get heavier and heavier until I can no longer carry them anymore.
Why do I do this? When will I learn?
I can’t do this. Not without Him.
And so, this morning when I woke up and looked ahead at everything that needed to be accomplished today, this week, this month~
Today when I didn’t want to get out of bed. Today when I drank a little more caffeine and tried to give myself the pep talk of “you can do this Charisse”.
Today God told me I can’t.
Today God told me to pick up His word, to listen for His words of encouragement and to give it all to Him.
And so I did.
Tomorrow I might fall again. I might fall over and over again. But I am so thankful for my God Who doesn’t look at my yesterday’s and hold them against me.
My God Who gives me a brand new day to start over.
My God who continually picks me up, wipes away my tears and tells me~
I will do it for you.