2/2/2024
Love Like JesusMy sister in law was only 35 years old when she passed away in 2003 from complications in child birth. Many of you know the story. She died 6 days after giving birth to her 6th child. It broke me. My heart yearned to comfort her children, and take care of her baby. Just a few months later my own mother unexpectedly passed away, and my heart yearned for the comfort that only she could give. Comfort I had grown to lean on, from the one person who was now gone forever.
Wednesday was the anniversary of my sister in laws home going. It also happened to be the anniversary of another mother’s home going. The mama of a dear friend of mine. Two mothers who went home to heaven, and left children behind. Young and old. It really made me think~no matter the time that is passed or how old we are, the day our mama leaves us will always be hard. I thought about the posts I made last week. Posts about mamas, and the comments I received. Some women shared that they have never experienced that love and comfort that I spoke of. And I thought about my own children. Some are going through a very difficult time right now. As I was praying for them late one night, I was aware of the fact that one day I will be gone, and that “mama”comfort will be gone with me. The comfort in praying without ceasing, in encouraging and listening. The comfort in sharing laughter, hugs and tears. The comfort of loving unconditionally and sacrificing without limit. The comfort I will always try to give, because I am their mom. What happens when we lose that? It is a grief that cannot be put into words, because our hearts know~ no one loves you like your mom. And what if we never had that to begin with? It is an emptiness that can’t be explained. This week I shared another post, one that reminded us not to take for granted those who speak life into us, and encourage us. They are a gift from God. And that’s what motivated me to challenge you today. We live in a world full of hurting people. Health and financial burdens seem hopeless. Marriages and wayward children weigh heavy. The loss of a spouse or child leaves devastation, and grieving children~all those who have lost their mother, or never experienced a mother’s love to begin with, feel utterly alone. Who will step up and comfort them? Who will speak life into them? Who will encourage them? Who will fill that emptiness and be that gift from God to a broken soul? Our God is the God of all comfort, and we are instructed in His word to love as He does. When life is going good, and even when life is filled with pain~it’s easy to give that much for our children, but it isn’t always easy to give that much to another. To pray without ceasing. To encourage and uplift. To always be there for someone. To talk and cry and to love unconditionally. That’s sacrifice. That’s being Christ-like. I long to know that someone will be that for my children after I am gone. And with that thought I am convicted that I also need to be that for others while I am here, when life is good and even when life is painful. Not because I am a mother, and not because I had a wonderful mother, but because I have a good and wonderful Father. The beautiful fact is this. You don’t have to be a mother to love and comfort and encourage others like God does and you don’t have to have a personal experience of having that comfort that only a mother can give. You just have to have God. Love. Love like God. What a gift He has given us. A precious gift we ALL need to share. SCRIPTURE READING 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Psalm 34:18 Hebrews 12:12 Philippians 2:4 Ephesians 4:32 John 13:34-35 1 John 3:17-18 Matthew 25:37-40 Galatians 5:13-14 Galatians 6:2, 10 Colossians 3:12 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Proverbs 12:25 1 Peter 4:8-10 Isaiah 66:13
1/12/2024
An Ache In Your SoulI didn’t think I was going to write a post this week because,
quite honestly~I didn’t want to. I recognized the lack of motivation for what it was, even though I tried to push it aside. After posting two articles on living life to the fullest, somehow melancholy got the best of me. The fact that I’m a homebody didn’t help. I absolutely LOVE to stay home and I would never get tired of it. Give me a snow storm, a cozy fire and a hot cup of coffee, and I’m a happy girl. But when I want to shut the world out and shut myself in, when I recognized that all I wanted to do was sit in front of that fire with my coffee and not have to think about or do anything, I knew something had to change. The problem was, I didn’t want to change. I knew why I was unmotivated and melancholy. Because I’m tired. And because there was an ache in my soul. I have mentioned this before, but I’m that girl that just pushes her sad feelings down. I keep pushing and pushing until they reach my toes, because I don’t want to be unhappy. And I definitely didn’t want to be unhappy at Christmas. So, I went to bed late, I got up early. I stayed busy. I pushed the thoughts aside. I pretended. And it was exhausting. I was missing my friend, and my heart hurt deeply for her husband and daughter. Memories of going through that with my own dad came crashing in on me. Christmas memories surrounded me, and made me miss my parents even more. The ache of sadness wanted to push at me constantly, so instead I pushed it away~ and I kept pushing. And yesterday I realized I needed a reality check. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I didn’t want to write a blog post for Saturday, but the little bit of OCD I have was eating away at me. I have never missed writing a post since I started this page. I couldn’t miss now. And that’s what God used. He uses everything, right down to the tiniest detail to get our attention. God knew I needed rest. I am weak. I’ve been here before and He knows I’ll probably be here again and again. In all His beautiful understanding and infinite mercy, God gave me that time to rest in my own way, and then He told me it was time to get myself up, brush myself off and get back in the fight. God works in the most amazing ways. Over the holidays I had neglected to read devotionals sent to my email. Yesterday as I sat in front of my fire, I decided to read them. I’m sad to admit that it wasn’t because I was getting myself back up and brushing myself off. There was nothing spiritual about it. Once again, it was because of that little piece of OCD in my brain. I wanted to clean up my emails. Simple, regrettable fact. And once again, that’s what God used. A paragraph jumped off the page at me with the words from my friend Linda~ “Why do I write? Is it for love of my Savior or merely because I enjoy it? Is it to bring Him glory and to magnify Him because I'm so in love with Him? That's what He wants. That's what He deserves. That's how He loves me.” I love to write. There’s nothing wrong with that fact, but this week, in my melancholy state, that was my only motivation. Before I read her words, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to post anything this week. My heart kept telling me there was nothing worthy to give. How could I impart any spiritual wisdom to anyone when I didn’t feel any motivation whatsoever? When I read her words, I realized~ God is my motivation. Jesus is my worth. Not my love for writing, my love for Him and in turn~ for all of you. There isn’t a whole lot of spiritual insight here. Me, spilling my heart out. Just a friend talking to her friends. Sometimes it doesn’t take profound words for God to move. Sometimes it just takes raw honesty and a heart that listens and whispers “I understand. I’ve been there. I love you and I’m praying for you”. Words that tell you that whatever you are going through, you aren’t alone. Words to remind you that God will never leave you, that He will always be there waiting for exactly the right time to say~ “Okay my daughter, it’s time to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back in the fight. Let’s do this. Together.” SCRIPTURE READING: Matthew 22:37-3 2 Corinthians 4:6-9 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 1 Peter 5:10-11
1/5/2024
How To LiveLast week, I told you about my friend. My friend whose husband had been diagnosed with an illness and given 3 years to live. My friend who had joy, and encouraged me despite her darkness. My friend who told me to live every day to the fullest~ one day at a time.
My friend who unexpectedly got her own diagnosis a month later. My friend who is now home with Jesus and whose husband is now a widower. My friend who taught me how to die. I have stood at the side of many death beds in the last 25 years. Too many. Each time there was a glimmer of hope that a miracle would come and each time, the miracle we were asking for did not come. When death lingered at the door, many were too weak to speak to me. Many were on medication to ease pain, and many just slept. Because there was always that measure of hope for recovery, I never truly had an opportunity to talk candidly with any of them about their imminent departure from this world. Until now. So many of my fellow Christian’s have shown me how to live. How to be lights for Christ in a dark world. How to overcome heartache and sorrow and live in the joy of the Lord, but no one really teaches you how to die because no one truly knows how they will react until they are put in that situation. It’s a morbid thought. No one wants to think about death at the beginning of a brand new year, but death is no respecter of time or person. And therein lies the importance of choosing to use our time wisely~living each day for the glory of God~ because none of us know when our appointment with death is. My friend certainly didn’t. Romans 8 tells us that our bodies are already dead because of sin. If we have accepted God’s gift of salvation, our spirits are alive because of Christ. Not just here on earth, but for eternity. What a season to grasp this lesson. A season of new beginnings, of hope, of life eternal. Because without the lowly birth in a manger there would be no death on a cross, and there would be no hope for us as we face death and eternity. My friend was on her death bed. She had bypassed treatment and although there was some pain, she was coherent. Her focus was on her Savior, on His promises and His goodness in her life. She didn’t speak of fear or uncertainty. She was smiling and laughing, albeit incredibly weak~ she was talking about the excitement of seeing Jesus. She was a light in the middle of so much darkness. And she probably never knew what an impact this had on me, until she was in glory. I asked her to give Jesus a hug for me when she saw Him. I will miss her so very much, and yet I have a peace about her home going. A comfort. Because of how she chose to live her days, she was not afraid when her days came to an end. I thought she taught me how to die. Until now. She didn’t just teach me how to die after all. She taught me how to live. What will you and I teach others in 2024? SCRIPTURE READING: Romans 8:10 Isaiah 46:4, 9-10 Isaiah 45:22 Romans 8:18, 22-28, 31-32, Romans 8:35, 37-39 Psalm 71:3, 5, 8-9, 14-21, 23-24 Psalm 73:23-26, 28 John 14:1-3 2 Corinthians 4:14-18 1 Corinthians 2:9 Philippians 3:20-21 Philippians 4:8 Colossians 3:16-17 1 Timothy 4:12 Matthew 5:16
11/24/2023
Hope For A Weary WorldToday I want to give you hope.
I know we live in a weary world. Holidays without our loved ones can be particularly sad. So can birthdays. Birthdays have always been very special to me, all because of my mom. When I was little~apart from Christmas~she made every birthday the best day of the year. Even as an adult, she knew how to make it special. My mom went home to heaven on November 3, 2003, one week before my birthday. My dad tried to continue my mom’s tradition. Back in 2020, I specifically remember sitting with him in church and talking about my upcoming birthday. It was only a month away, and he was already planning something. He had the sweetest twinkle in his eye as he talked about it. Two days later my dad went home to heaven too. 2003 was a hard year. 2020 was a hard year, but it wasn’t a “hard” without a hope. I have tried to make my own family’s birthdays just as wonderful as my parents made mine, and I love to wish everyone a Happy Birthday on their special day. Facebook is great that way. It reminds you who has a birthday, and gives you the opportunity to wish them a great one. Unfortunately you can also have many “friends” on Facebook that you don’t know much about. This was my case when I wished someone birthday greetings, and their daughter messaged me back to tell me they had passed away. My heart sank. As she read each birthday greeting written to her mom, I am sure the tears fell. Her mom would never receive them. Ever since then, I make it a point to check everyone’s status before any Happy Birthday wishes are sent, especially if I am not close friends with them. Yes, birthdays and holidays without our loved ones can be sad, but God reminds me of another birthday. The birthday of His Son. It is only because of this precious sacrifice by our Savior, His ultimate death on the cross and resurrection, that we all can have another birthday. Not the physical day that we were born, but the day we were born again. I am sure that many people who read my posts might label me one of those “christian fanatics”. Maybe I am, and I am ok with that. Because I fell in love with Jesus. And if you knew, if you truly knew His love for you and how He could change your life, you would fall in love with Him too. And so, as the Christmas season is fast approaching, I want to check your “status” and my question for you is this, have you been born again? Because if you have, there is no fear in death. There is no sadness without hope, because the day that Jesus was born was the day He gave hope to all mankind. He was born to die. Not to live a good life, or be a great leader or do amazing miracles. He was born to die. For me and for you. And when He died on that cross and proclaimed to all the world “It is finished!”, it rang throughout eternity. The debt was paid for our sins. A debt we could not pay ourselves. This Christmas, won’t you receive that gift from God? With a repentant heart, ask Him to be your Savior so that you can be born again. You can celebrate another birthday, a heavenly birthday. And if you have already received that gift, help someone else unwrap its wonder. Share this good news of great tidings with others! God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, and the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord! Do you know what’s wrapped up in that present? Peace, and joy, and love, and hope, and faith, and heaven, but more than all of that~ Jesus. Jesus is wrapped up in that gift for you. The very Son of God. And the sweet grace, and hope, and mercy of it all is this~ God promises that once we are born again, we are His child forever. Nothing can separate us from His love. When our physical birthdays have come to an end, we will immediately be in the presence of Jesus. My Jesus, who gave everything for me. Jesus, our thrill of hope for a weary world. SCRIPTURE READING John 3:3-7, 12, 15-17 Isaiah 26:3 Psalm 107:1-2, 8-9, 43 1 Thessalonians 4:13 1 Timothy 1:15 Romans 5:5-8, 11 Ephesians 2:8-9 Romans 6:23 Galatians 5:22 1 Corinthians 13:13 Philippians 4:7 Hebrews 4:16 John 10:28-30 Romans 8:31-32, 34-35, 37-39 Luke 23:43 1 Corinthians 15:55-57
11/17/2023
Time FliesHow can it be Thanksgiving already?
The nostalgia of the season has come upon me. I’m missing my loved ones. My grandparents, my parents, my best friend~ all gone on to heaven. I’m missing family gatherings full of aunts and uncles and cousins. I’m missing my children being tiny little beings full of giggles, and cuddles, and adoration. I’m missing the past. The music, the decorations, the food and the memories. When I was younger I was often told that time is fleeting. I didn’t really grasp the weight of those words, but as each year passes, that weight gets heavier and heavier. With the beautiful falling leaves painting the barren earth, this truth hits me even harder. I watch each colorful leaf dance in the wind…and then blow away, and I think about the years of my life doing the same. Like a vapor. The wind takes the years. I try to grasp at them and hold them tighter. I don’t want to let them go. I don’t want to see my grandsons turn into little men so quickly, or my granddaughters into young women. I am selfish. I want them to stay their tiny selves just a little bit longer. My children grew up too quickly. And now my grandchildren are doing the same. I remember last year, and the year before that… I had purposed in my heart to savor every minute. To slow down and enjoy the time with my children and their children. And I did. I stopped the busy. I stopped putting my housework, my schedule and my to do’s before family. I dropped everything at a moment’s notice to spend more time with the most important people in my life. I cherished every single minute. And yet, it did not make time slow down. Time was caught up in the wind. It danced and it was beautiful, and then it was gone. And so, I am that grandma talking about time fleeting to my children. Telling my daughters to cherish every minute. To look into the eyes of their children and soak it in. To burn that moment onto her heart, because that moment will never come again. It will dance and be beautiful, and then~ it will become a memory. I’ll be honest, as I pondered these thoughts this morning, I was saddened. My eyes filled with tears. I’m sure my mom passing away at only 63 plays a part in that. I am only 5 years from that very age. And so, as I often do, I cried to Jesus. I shared my heart. And as I opened His word I told Him how incredibly thankful I was for this beautiful life He has given me…”But oh Jesus, it’s going by too fast. It’s disappearing before my eyes!” And my heart didn’t feel as thankful. It felt heavy. It will be Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then a New Year, and time will dance away from me like the beautiful leaves outside. And just like He always does, Jesus gave me a word from His word. “For my days are consumed like smoke, And my bones are burned as an hearth. My days are like a shadow that declineth; And I am withered like grass. But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; And thy remembrance unto all generations. This shall be written for the generation to come: And the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD. Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: And the heavens are the work of thy hands. They shall perish, but thou shalt endure: Yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; As a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed: But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end. The children of thy servants shall continue, And their seed shall be established before thee.” Psalm 102:3, 11-12, 18, 25-28 “Like as a father pitieth his children, So the LORD pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame; He remembereth that we are dust. As for man, his days are as grass: As a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; And the place thereof shall know it no more. But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, And his righteousness unto children's children; To such as keep his covenant, And to those that remember his commandments to do them. The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; And his kingdom ruleth over all. Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, That do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word. Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts; Ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure. Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: Bless the LORD, O my soul.” Psalm 103:13-22 The words leapt off the page. In that moment, the knowledge of God’s love for me transcended any words I might have had to try to convey the feelings of my heart. God knew exactly what I needed before I ever opened my Bible. And He told me~ My Jesus is eternal. He does not leave. He remains beautiful. Always present. Always with me. Life may change daily, fleeting and only leaving me memories, but my Jesus will never become just a memory, because my Jesus never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. My constant. My joy. My truth. My life. And as I strive to glorify Him in all I do, as I strive to live that life in front of my children and grandchildren, teaching them to make Him their everything~ He promises me that my children and my children’s children will be established and His mercy and righteousness will be upon them. And my heart is overwhelmed with thanksgiving. It feels as if it could burst for the joy He has given me. The weight of the words that felt so heavy just a few moments before, now gave me promise. Yes, time is fleeting but Christ is my firm foundation. My cornerstone. A foundation that will never be moved. He is my forever. The joy He brings will never, ever, ever leave. It will dance and be beautiful. And it will remain. For me, for my children, and for my children’s children. Thank you Jesus. Happy Thanksgiving dear friends! SCRIPTURE READING: Psalm 126:2-3, 5-6 Hebrews 13:8 1 Corinthians 3:11 Hebrews 11:10 2 Timothy 2:19 1 Peter 2:6 Ephesians 2:18, 20 1 Corinthians 2:9
9/22/2023
Sorrow And JoyA bit of sadness awaits me, just around the corner. It’s hovering there in the autumn winds, like a storm rolling in. I don’t think about it, I just feel it in my bones.
Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year. As a child, the fall months seemed to make me thrive. They brought me joy. There was such a freedom, running around in the crisp air as vibrant leaves showered the earth with color. I absolutely loved everything about fall. I still do, but 50+ years later, heartache upon heartache has changed the way fall feels for me. I can’t escape it. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t even think about it, I just feel it. On two separate occasions, it was during the autumn months that heartbreaking betrayal left me in darkness. Darkness that lasted a long time. It was also a crisp November morning, one week before my birthday, that my mom passed away suddenly. It was in early October, just three years ago, that my dear friend went home to heaven. The very day after his funeral, my precious dad passed away unexpectedly as well. And this year, my sweet friend found out she doesn’t have long to live. As the cozy fall vibes splash across social media and I’m reaching for my blanket on chilly nights, all of these moments whisper on the winds. My mind goes there without me even thinking about it. I miss my loved ones. I miss the years that were taken as I tried to dig myself out of a dark pit. I miss a future with my friend. A few months after my dad passed away, I remember laughing for the first time. Truly laughing. And immediately after the laughter, sadness engulfed me. Because I remembered. I ask myself, can I have joy and sadness at the same time? Will I ever be free in the fall months to thrive like I did when I was a child? Will this heaviness that the sadness brings ever feel lighter? I am absolutely sure of one thing, the answer is yes. God wants me to have joy. Satan wants to rob me of that joy. I long to be oblivious like the rest of the social media world seems to be. I want to turn on football games, get out those cute fall boots and put on a cozy sweater. I want to drink pumpkin spice “everything”, and smile as I gaze upon the beautiful colors of God’s masterpiece falling from limbs in the sky. Like nothing bad ever happened. With God’s help, I still can. You can too ladies. When heartache grips us, often our humanity does too. We remember. We want things to be like they were when our hearts were free, before the sadness came. We want to hold on to the comfort that once was. Because of this, we are incapable of moving on past the heartache without the help of the Holy Spirit. But when we ask the Holy Spirit to fill us and to empower us, we can readily apply God’s word to our broken hearts. His words that tell us to forget those things which are behind. That the devil comes to steal and destroy, but that the joy of the Lord is our strength. To lay aside every weight that we carry on our shoulders and look ahead at Jesus. And that is exactly what I am doing. I know God understands our humanity. Paul reminded us with the words~”as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing”. Jesus Himself wept, even though He knew the joy that was coming. There will always be sorrow on this earth, because sin brings sorrow. We are born into that darkness, but God is our light. I know that He knows when our hearts are hurting and I believe that yes, we can have joy and sorrow at the same time. We can because as a believer, our sorrow isn’t without hope. We can because our joy isn’t found in the temporary, it’s found in the eternal and even though our weeping may last for a moment, our eternal joy will last a lifetime. Just like the wind takes hold of all the beautiful leaves and showers the earth with color, the wind seems to have taken the beauty of my “befores” that I once held so close. But my God walks on the wings of the wind!! And I know that if He had never taken some of that beauty from my life, He couldn’t use me to shower the earth with its vibrant colors. Colors of encouragement for others. Colors that hold Hope. I’m not going to lie and say I have been miraculously changed, and the sadness is gone. My humanity wants my life to stay beautiful. Not to change. Not to lose its vibrant colors and the comfort of my “befores”. I read a great quote this week that said~”Looking back doesn't enable us to go back, and more times than not, it just makes us stuck”*. It’s a daily (sometimes hourly) battle to hand that heaviness over to Jesus. But when I truly do this, when I pray and ask Him to take it~because I can’t seem to let it go, I find freedom. And in that freedom, I find joy. So today, join me as the tears fall, but our hearts smile. Take my hand~ Let’s walk with our great God on the wings of the wind. Scripture Reading: “Who walketh upon the wings of the wind:” Psalm 104:3 Psalm 30:5 John 14:27 John 15:9, 11 John 16:22, 24 1 John 1:4-5 Psalm 19:8 Psalm 94:17, 19 2 Corinthians 6:10 Romans 14:17 Philippians 3:13-14 John 10:10 Hebrews 12:1-2 Hebrews 4:15-16 Psalm 144:15 Psalm 16:11 1 Peter 1:8 Jude 1:24 Romans 15:13, 32 Ephesians 3:16-21 *Christine Caine
8/11/2023
Don’t Tell Me How To GrieveI started crying in Walmart the other day. Something I did not expect.
It was just a quick trip in for a few things. I was almost finished when I looked up, and for a split second I felt a thousand emotions flooding my heart. I saw an older man approaching. His hair. His shirt. His shorts. Even his shoes. In that split second I thought it was my dad. I couldn’t look away. I wanted it to be my dad. I even walked closer. Almost hoping. My brain knew my dad was gone, but my heart wanted it to be him so badly that it fooled my brain into thinking it could be. In one split second. And then the emotions flooded me with the reality that it wasn’t and the tears came. I quickly turned down an aisle to hide my hurt~ but even now, several hours later I can feel its tug, and the tears keep returning. It was so real to me. My dad has been gone for almost three years and yet, out of the blue the grief will hit. A place. A smell. A song. A memory. I’m transported to childhood memories. The waves of it all will crash over me and my heart yearns to step back in time and relive the beautiful moments I had with him. That’s what grief feels like when you love deeply, but even more important~ that’s what it feels like to BE loved deeply. Grief is a road with many turns. It has been unexpectedly hard for me. I thought I was mentally prepared, I had already lost my mom and experienced that heartache. But dad’s home going hit me differently. Nostalgia visits often. Unexpected tears are frequent and frustration over the comments people make has been politely hidden away. Comments like “You should be thankful for the time you had, and the memories you made”. When grieving moments hit me, I couldn’t find the thankfulness in the reminders. Until yesterday. Somehow, at some point my grief had been wrapped up inside the arms of Jesus and transformed into genuine, beautiful thankfulness. That’s what Jesus does. I realized as I stood on my dad’s porch that my heart felt a true joy and happiness, and I was so incredibly thankful. And now when I think back to my moment in Walmart, I know why. I was thankful because I was loved so deeply. What a beautiful gift God gave me. That hurt that runs so deep, that longing to see my dad again, the tears and the memories the smells and the places, all of these are a byproduct of being loved deeply. Does this realization make the pain go away? No, but it somehow makes it easier. And it makes me thankful. A year ago I don’t think I could have said the same. I didn’t want to be thankful for “what was”. I just wanted my dad back. I won’t tell you how to grieve. No one should. It’s a journey all your own. But I will tell you this. Grieve with God. Despite what others thought of my grieving process, despite being told how I should feel, despite feeling alone and misunderstood, God knew. God understood. He never left my side. He allowed me to grieve in my own way as I leaned fully into Him and asked over and over if He would wrap his arms of peace and comfort around my tired, hurting heart. As crazy as I must sound, I wanted to run toward that man in Walmart. It is unreal what the pain of grief can do to us. And that made me think of heaven. Entering glory. Knowing the love I have for those who have gone on before me, but more importantly~ knowing how much I was loved BY them. And there is no greater love than the love of Jesus. Not only will I get to run and hug my mom and dad. I get to hug Jesus. With joy, He endured the pain of the cross because He loves me so much. Because He loves you so much. And because He endured that pain, our pain is only temporary. We will one day be united with our loved ones again. All those who have put their faith and trust in Him. The Bible tells me that one day, because of God’s love and redemption, when I take my last breath I will immediately be in the presence of Jesus. In one split second. What a difference a second came make. Today, I can smile through the tears. I can laugh with joy. God entered into my grief with me, and as much as I miss my dad, the gift of being loved is one of the greatest gifts God has blessed us with. I will hold on to that gift and cherish it, and my heart will be filled with thankful praise.
5/12/2023
Twenty Years LaterThe end of 2002 and the year 2003 were incredibly hard on our little church. Five moms passed away in that short amount of time, including my sweet sister in law~ less than a week after giving birth to her 6th child, and my own precious mom. We didn’t have our usual Mother Daughter banquet at church that year. The grief was still so fresh.
I remember so many tears at that time. Reading all the quotes about grief getting easier with time and yet, here I am 20 years later, and it seems like yesterday to me. Year by year the grief has changed with me, along with my view of my mother. The older I get, the more I understand. And I miss her. It’s almost a daily occurrence for me to wish I could ask her a question, or share in that deep love I have for my grandchildren or just give her a hug. There were so many things I got irritated about when I was younger, when life got crazy and I needed her but she couldn’t come for one reason or another. I’m sad to admit that I never realized how much SHE needed me and now as each year passes, I understand more and more and I find myself crying for the young selfish girl I once was and whispering “I’m sorry mom.” Guilt and grief can often live side by side, but guilt is not the author of my words today. Love, and understanding that comes with age is. Your mom will never be perfect. Your mom will mess up, but.. Your mom loves you with her everything. She always will. She will never stop loving you. She won’t always be able to be the mama you remember as a child. She will wish with all her heart that she could be but… She will get older and she will need you just as much as you need her. And sadly, you won’t see it because in your eyes she is the mom of your yesterdays. The one who always took care of you. You are who you are because of who she was and who she is. Her spark lives inside of you. She raised you to be the strong woman you are. To accomplish “all the things” whether that’s school or a job or raising a family. And as you are accomplishing “all the things”, you won’t see mom with clear eyes until one day you’re her age and you’re watching your own children as they accomplish “all the things.” All the things she taught you. All the things you taught them. And you will wish for that time back when you could’ve said “I understand mom.” When you could’ve said “I’m not too busy for you.” When you could’ve said “how can I help?” When you could’ve said “thank you” more. When you could say “I love you” one more time. Mother’s Day is a good place to start, but it shouldn’t end there. A mom is a mom every single day, whether her child is a newborn, or a senior citizen. She is mom. Don’t wait until she’s gone to realize how much you took for granted. You may not get to spend another Mother’s Day with her. The grief still seems fresh, but in so many different ways than it did 20 years ago. Don’t hold on to the mess ups. Jesus doesn’t hold on to ours. Hold on to all the good. Ask God to open your eyes to that spark that lives inside you, to the woman she was and the woman she is. The mom who loves you with her everything. Don’t whisper wishes in the dark when she’s gone. Tell her today how much she means to you. Tell her thank you. Not just today, but everyday because one day your “everydays” will become a thing of the past. Every day I see the posts, the pictures, the memories~
“Happy Birthday in heaven Daddy.” “Today is the day God called Mom home.” “I miss my son/daughter every single day, even more so today.” Mamas and Daddies, sons and daughters, husbands, wives, grandmas and grandpas. Loved ones and friends~ The loss of someone we loved incredibly. As hard as we might try, we can’t escape the date on the calendar. It will always be there. Year after year. A reminder of how much we lost. We relive that moment in our hearts and minds, and it breaks us all over again. The shock of it is as real today as it was yesterday, last year or ten years ago. We hide our tears in pillows or in the shower, alone in our grief because culture makes us believe we should be past this pain by now. I still find myself gazing at our “Pops condo” in utter disbelief that my dad is really, truly gone. I still have fleeting thoughts that I need to call and check on him. I still look into my grandchildren’s eyes, unable to control my tears as I think about how much my mom would have loved them. I still have dreams of my sister Amy and for a split second, wake up believing she is still with us. Even though I know God’s Word and His promises to me, even though I know my loved ones are in Heaven with my Savior, even though I know they are experiencing remarkable glory~ I have hope, but I also grieve. The bottom line is~ I miss them terribly, I still grieve them, I still wish I could talk to them every single day. I still randomly break down and cry. I still feel lonely. And that’s okay. It’s okay sweet friend. Don’t let society dictate to you how you should grieve someone who was your whole world, especially if they have never lost theirs. When it comes to the grieving process, one of the most important things society seems to forget is this~our pain is a direct result of our obedience to God’s second greatest command. Love. Hold on to this hope~ Jesus will NEVER be disappointed in us because we loved so deeply. He will not leave your side as you grieve. Jesus will not be angry as you cry, sometimes again and again and again. His Spirit knows when your grief is too deep for words. He is touched by your feelings and longs to comfort your broken heart as He whispers~ “It is okay sweet child. It is okay. I am with you.” Today I am here to remind you~ It is all okay. The tears, the memories, the pain But most important~ the love. It is ALL okay. SCRIPTURE READING: Matthew 22:37-40 Mark 12:30-31 Romans 8:18, 22-27 I Corinthians 13:13 Hebrews 4:15, 13:5-6 I John 4:7&8
9/9/2022
All Those Fall FeelingsMy mom’s birthday was Thursday. She died in 2003, but it seems like it was yesterday. October is also right around the corner, marking two years since my dad passed away. I haven’t come to the point where I’m able to take my dad’s contact information off of my phone. He died one month before my November birthday. My mom died one week before my birthday. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year, second only to Christmas~
but Fall brings all the feelings with it. I yearn for early cozy evenings by the fire, but I also yearn for mom and dad. Your life changes when you lose both of your parents. It’s like a part of you is missing. You almost feel like an orphan, no matter how old you are. You might have family all around you, yet you still feel very alone at times. And so, I have my dad still listed under “favorites” in my phone’s contacts. His cute picture with his new glasses, always smiling back at me. Sadly, I didn’t realize that after a year my phone would delete all my texts from my dad. One day they were just gone, just like he was. I was crushed. My phone also has an app called “find friends”. Anytime I get to worrying that my husband is running late and I’m wondering if he’s ok, I can look at that app and see exactly where he is. My dad is still listed on that app too, right under my husband. Every day my dad would check in with me. If he didn’t, before jumping to conclusions I would look to see if he was home or just busy running errands. Sometimes the phone will swirl and swirl, looking for a particular person. Every time it locates someone it will show you where they are on a map. As smart as my phone is, it can’t show me dad. It confesses~ “no location found”. Man, that gets me every time. I’ll admit, it brought tears for a long time. Sometimes it still does. But I know it holds no truth, because I know exactly where my dad is, and one day I will join him and my mom and so many loved ones there.* I Thessalonians 4:13-14 I will fall into the arms of my Savior and weep, letting go of all the grief I so readily push down into my pit of “I don’t want to think about this”. You might wonder how I can know. You might be asking yourself how you can know. How anyone can know with 100% assurance that heaven can be your eternal home? That the arms of the Savior will welcome you there? We can know because God’s word promises us exactly that.* Romans 10:9-10, I may have lost every word my dad sent me in a text, but we can never lose the words of God. They are eternal, just as He is.*Psalm 119:89 They are our promises to cling to through every trial we go through, and they promise that if we repent and ask Jesus to save our souls and give us a home in heaven with Him one day, He will.* 2 Corinthians 5:8 My mom and dad are with Jesus. As the air becomes crisp and cozy fires are lit, when pumpkin spice everything is everywhere, I find myself missing them a little more. As much as I miss them, I still have all the precious memories of Fall days that they left me with. The week before he died, my dad told me he was planning a birthday party for me. My tears smile at that remembrance. Fall might be hard for you. The early darkness that comes with the change of time, the cold temperatures and the seclusion can certainly get you down. You miss the sunshine. Missing your loved ones on top of that can make you ache inside. The good news is, this world is not our home and we are never truly alone. *Romans 8:38-39, I am not an orphan. I am a child of God. *John 1:12 You are a child of God. His words of comfort are always available. He always knows exactly where you are, because He is right there with you. He knows your thoughts, He knows your heart. He knows your aching and He knows your rejoicing.* Psalm 139, Philippians 4:6-7 We don’t have to wait until we get to heaven to fall into our Savior’s arms and let all our grief and sadness go. We don’t have to push it down into the pit of “I don’t want to think about this”. We can give it all to Him right now. In fact, He wants us to do exactly that.*Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 11:28-30, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, Psalm 23, 46:1-2 Whatever hard feelings Fall holds for you, with it’s falling leaves or falling snow, falling rain or… falling back into the darkness of daylight savings~ Remember these words and cling to them~ Fall into His arms. FALL into His arms.* Matthew 10:29-31 FALL into the arms of Jesus. What hope that holds and what comfort it gives~ because I know~ that’s exactly where my mom and dad are too. *John 16:33, Psalm 31:24
9/2/2022
I Don’t KnowThe older I get, the more I realize that wisdom comes with age and yet, I am not wise. I don’t have all the answers.* As a pastor’s wife, that can be hard. People come to you for answers. It’s hard to find yourself at a loss for words and admit~
”I don’t know.” I don’t know why beautiful, Godly souls have suffered tremendous loss, sometimes over and over again. I don’t know why precious wives with longing hearts plead with God for children year after year, yet remain barren. I don’t know why marriages crumble despite prayers to God for restoration. I don’t know why depression or anxiety can grip you for no apparent reason, and wake you from a sound sleep. I do know that if you typed any of these things into Google, you would have a myriad of answers, many from a biblical perspective. A sin cursed world is the obvious answer, but there isn’t a human being alive that can explain why heartache hits home for some~yet not for others. That answer is entrusted to God alone. God’s word tells us the comforting promise that everything we go through is for our good, but quite often it doesn’t feel good at all.* I have heard people say~ “just give it to God” or “God is in control, you just have to trust Him”.* Easier said than done. So many times I will read these things and all my heart can utter is~”how?” How do you just “give it to God”? Recently I have woken from a sound sleep in complete panic. That’s another hard thing for me to admit. I honestly have no idea why it is happening. I don’t feel like I’m stressed or anxious, yet it has happened more than once. My heart races and sleep doesn’t come again for hours. And so, I will pray and pray and ask God to take it all~ anything I’m holding on to. My marriage, my children, my ministry. Anything that might be causing this. Any control issues I am not aware of. Over and over~”I give it all to you God.” And yet, sleep eludes me still. Night after night I felt I was failing. I expected the anxiety to magically disappear when I gave it all to God. I felt like a disappointment to my Redeemer who loves me so much. I questioned whether I was truly surrendering everything to Him. What was I doing wrong? These uncomfortable moments are but a blip in time compared to the years of anguish and questions some sweet Christians go through. Questions with no answers. Today He reminded me of a beautiful truth. Out of nowhere a memory came to my mind of the many nights my children would have bad dreams when they were very little. Dreams that would wake them. Dreams that caused tears. Quite often they would either cry out for Mike and I, or come down to our bedroom crying. My mama heart was so incredibly tender toward them that the tears would swell up in my own eyes. They would snuggle in with us in bed, and eventually fall back asleep. Did I reprimand them or get angry with them if it happened again the next night or if the tears would not cease? No. I never did. My love was so great for them that my heart shared in their pain. Did my presence take away the bad dream? Did my words make it magically disappear? No, but my presence and my words brought them comfort. Knowing I was there next to them is what made the difference. And I think that’s the answer for us, even as adults. That unfathomable love I have for my children is nothing compared to the love God has for us. I don’t know why so many go through so much, but I do know that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you will NEVER go through it alone.* God is always there. His words of comfort and strength are always available to us. Does that magically take the heartache many are enduring away? No. But what comfort it brings to a weary soul. We are never alone. I may wake up tonight with a grieving heart over missing my parents and loved ones. I may wake up tonight with a heavy heart for the things my children are going through, I may wake up tonight with a deeply sad heart, or a racing heart for no apparent reason, but I need not fear or be anxious or wonder if God is disappointed that it has happened once again. His grace washes over me like a sweet lullaby and His joy warms my heart like a cozy blanket. I need only snuggle in with Him and realize that He may not take this away, but He will never, ever leave my side as I deal with it. Whatever heartache, anxiety, unanswered prayer, devastation and loss you are experiencing~ you are not alone. Nightmares will never cease no matter our age, but you are His child and as little children we can cry out to our Father knowing He is closer than our very thoughts. Knowing that He shares in your pain, knowing that the bad dream won’t magically disappear but that we can snuggle into Him and He will hold us through it~* That knowledge is good. It is glorifying. That knowledge will make all the difference, and that is a comfort to cling to. *Psalm 131:1, Romans 8:18-23 & 28, Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 13:5, Romans 8:38-39, Psalm 139:1-18,
4/8/2022
Is Heaven Far Away?I listened to his breathing. Tears fell unashamedly from my eyes. It was excruciating to hear the labor with every breath that was drawn.
My heart yearned for heaven for him. I didn’t want him to leave, but I did not want this pain for him. So many of us have lost loved ones in the last few years. Death seems to be on the forefront of social media, as well as the prayer chains in our churches. Sorrow upon sorrow have hit so many. It has hit me more than I care to think on. I saw a picture recently that brought it to my mind once again. The sign read~”We know you would be here today, if heaven wasn’t so far away”. I understood the heart behind the words, but I rejoiced in the truth of God’s word and what a difference it can make in the believer’s life. If you have lost a loved one this might sound like your reality, but my friend~it is not. Heaven is not far away at all. Heaven is only one breath away for the believer. One last breath and you are in the presence of God. There is no waiting. 2 Corinthians 5:8 Just a breath. My scripture reading has been in the book of Job lately. A book that I desperately need God’s help to wrap my mind around. God never fails. I asked my husband why some preachers act like it’s so wonderful that in the end, Job got a double portion of everything he had previously lost. Job 42:12 Everything except his children. Every one of Job’s children had been killed. I could not wrap my mind around the idea that yes, Job had more kids, but they could never replace the children he had lost. My husband’s answer convicted me. God did not replace the children that Job lost, because they were not lost. He would see them again. 2 Samuel 12:23 How often do I forget this when I think on all those that I loved so dearly who have left this earth? They are not far away at all. They are as close as my last breath. Sweet friend, Jesus died on the cross to give us eternal life. Do we dare look at the cross and tell Jesus it is not enough? That what He endured for us wasn’t enough? When we work harder at being good, always hoping it’s good enough. When we give more to the church, as if trying to buy our way in~that’s exactly what we are telling our Savior. The words of Jesus become null and void in our representation of earning our way to heaven. His words~”It is finished”. God tells us that absent from the body is present with the Lord, and that the only way to be in His presence after death is through Jesus finished work on the cross. I John 5:12-13, Luke 23:43, Hebrews 7:25. Our repentance, His forgiveness. Romans 10:9-13 Once that’s our reality, Jesus tells us that no one can pluck us out of our Father’s hand. John 10:28-29. We have a home in heaven one day with our God of mercy, grace and love. No question. Immediately in His presence. And so my friend, rejoice in that truth. We might not understand why God chooses to take our loved ones when He does. Job 42:3 We weep, but so did our Savior. He understands our emotions because He lived them. John 11:35 We sorrow because we love, but we sorrow with the hope of heaven bringing light to our sadness. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 And knowing this~ we don’t ever have to be afraid of death, or feel as if God and Heaven are far away. Psalm 49:15, 1 Corinthians 15:54-58 If you are sorrowing today, ask God to bring the light of hope to your sadness. Your loved one isn’t far at all. Heaven is only one breath away.
3/4/2022
Don’t Stop PrayingIt has been an emotional week.
My dad has been gone for a little over a year and yet, thoughts of his passing have come to the forefront of my mind for no particular reason. At times I can hardly wrap my mind around it. My dad went home to heaven the day after the funeral of one of our dearest friends, who had unexpectedly passed away just the week before. The friend whose birthday would be this Monday~the day before my dads. They entered this earth a day apart and left this earth a week apart. Thoughts of the trials my children have faced, and continue to face have also weighed on me. Thoughts of missing my sister-in-law as I watch her son get married tonight have brought tears of happiness mixed with tears of sorrow. And then, thoughts of the horrors other countries are facing have been a constant, even as I write this. I have struggled with what to post this week. I have prayed and asked God for words to encourage, and yet He has been silent. And I couldn’t understand why. I wondered if perhaps he didn’t want me to write a thing. Certainly I don’t want to post some cliche story that God never intended I share. Sometimes you may wonder why continual “bad” hits you from every direction and God seems to remain silent. Here’s the thing. For me, He hasn’t been silent. He has been speaking to my soul, but my mind was screaming too loud to hear Him. My eyes were focused on the emotions I was feeling instead of on Him. My scripture reading landed on Job this week. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to read it. I complained. I told God I needed something uplifting, but He knew exactly what I needed. Quotes that I had scheduled a month ago popped up on my Holding Hope page all week, and it still didn’t hit me. Quotes suggesting I pray about what my mind wanders to. Quotes reminding me to keep praying, even if all I have left is a whisper. (1 Thessalonians 5:17, Philippians 4:6) Quotes that told me to just Be Still. (Psalm 46:10) My mind was anything but still. My thoughts were running a marathon inside it. But today in the tiny moments of quiet I had, I prayed again. I finally heard Him. His whispers through the cracks of distractions touched my heart. (I Kings 19:11&11, Matthew 14:28-30) He kept telling me to be still and as much as I argued that I was being still, I knew deep down I wasn’t. So I stopped. I stopped trying to figure out all the answers on my own. I stopped and I just sat. I sat on my bed and I asked Jesus to sit with me. Just to sit there and hold my hand and still my heart. (Matthew 28:20, Jeremiah 29:11) And He did. And He told me to tell you to do the same. How easily I allow circumstances to weigh me down and steal my peace and joy as I wonder what’s going to happen. How easily I miss my loved ones and fall into a sadness I don’t want to climb out of, instead of realizing the comfort and hope of heaven.(1 Thessalonians 4:13) How easily I try to control situations and find myself in continual unrest. How easily I focus on the bad and miss all the good. I miss Him. We’re all looking for hope. For answers. We scroll through social media looking for that quote or devotional that will give us those answers we’re seeking. We even open our bibles, as if a verse will magically appear to answer our “whys”. God often uses all of these things to help those in need, myself included, but sometimes in the looking we are striving in our flesh to find the answers that only God knows. Sometimes the answer is simply Him, and that’s all we need to know. (Hebrews 6:18 & 19) Once we get to the place of that realization our eyes are opened. We see life through Him and in His stillness, everything is changed. We suddenly understand that we don’t have to know all the answers, we just need to be still with Him. (Ephesians 1:18) Don’t stop praying sweet friend, even if it feels like God is silent. He is not. Keep seeking Him in the stillness until His stillness pushes out all the distractions and it is just you and your Savior~ And through faith, you once again see your life through His eyes. The eyes of of Him who loves you and gave Himself for you. (Galatians 2:20, 2 Corinthians 4:17 & 18)
2/18/2022
Holding On To TearsHappy memories can dance through the recesses of our minds and bring so much joy to an ordinary day. Memories give us hope, because we can see the entire picture that the happiness was painted around.
Tears can stay with us as well. Just as much as the happy memories can linger, so can the memories that brought us tears. When I set my mind on one or the other, it amazes me how many of those moments come flooding back. The good and the bad. The moments that brought tears are so distinctive to me. Some have stayed with me from a very early childhood. They are etched into my brain and I can remember them like they were yesterday. Kindergarten and the first death of a beloved pet. The stinging words of a supposed friend. Having to move for the first of many times. My parents fighting. My parents separation. Leaving all my friends and moving far from our country home to a city filled with people. A heart broken by young love. The cool girl with her mean words. The word cancer and the death of my grandfather after a year of hospital visits and treatments. Watching the agonizing pain and heartache my mother was going through every single day because of it. Leaving my family to move 700 miles away. The words “your child will have birth defects. Termination is an option”. More moves. Losing my best friend. The mama tears of watching your children through every phase of their lives as they face all the same heartaches you did. A crushing betrayal. 10 wasted years of unforgiveness. Losing my mama. Death upon death upon death. Losing my daddy. Unanswered prayers of a begging heart. Too many tears to mention. In those moments I did not want to hear~ “God does everything for a reason” “We can’t have rainbows without rain”. Or any of the cliche things that people say, because they don’t know what to say. In those moments I just wanted to cry. And I wanted someone to cry with me and understand my pain. Tears are very lonely. Tears have a profound impact on us. Heartache can shape our souls if we allow it. Our days will be filled with misery or bitterness, anger or resentment, self pity or loss of hope. Sometimes even the loss of our will to live. And when the tears beat down on us day after day after day, sometimes we give up the fight, because there’s no fight left in us. But. If we continually look back at our life we can have hope again because we can see that somehow when we truly believed all was lost, God brought us out to the other side. We were never alone. (Joshua 1:9) He was always with us, we just lost sight of him through the tears that blurred our vision and blinded our hearts. Whatever might be causing your tears today will be a memory for your tomorrow. God does not just paint the beautiful pictures of happy moments. He paints His goodness and peace and comfort into every heartbreaking moment we go through. One day you will look back and see the entire picture God had painted. His word tells us that He puts every one of our tears in a bottle, and writes them all down in a book. A bottle is a container. It holds things. Every single one of your tears are precious to Him and when you thought you couldn’t hold it together any longer and it was the end of your story, He was holding you and writing what you didn’t think you could. (Psalm 56:8&9) Yes, if we set our minds on the heartache we will be overcome by the grief and so, our loving Heavenly Father and Friend bids us~ set your mind on things above. (Colossians 3:1) Time passes so quickly and the moments that I thought would break me are the moments I see God putting His loving arms around me, picking me up and carrying me through. (Psalm 34:18&19) I feel the comfort He gave and the peace that overcame the heartache. (John 14:27) I see that He did answer my prayers, despite the tears that blinded me in those moments. And I look ahead to the day I am in His presence when His loving hand will wipe away every single tear that has fallen from my eyes. (Revelation 7:17, 21:4) Each tear He holds in His bottle sets my heart on things above. Each tear reminds me of my Savior’s love. Each tear reminds me that He wept along with me and understands. (John 11:35) Each tear reminds me that my Savior suffered for me, yet He did it with joy. (Hebrews 12:2) Each tear reminds me that I am never ever alone, and as I look back each tear reminds me of the beautiful happy moments God created for me through it all. Because each tear makes every happy memory so much sweeter. And the happy far outweighs the sad. (Psalm126:1-3) Don’t hold on to the tears. Let Jesus hold them. You hold on to the good. Every single good memory~and just believe. You will see His glory. (John 11:40) because everything good and everything perfect always comes from God. (James 1:17) And because He is writing your book, and every story He has ever written always has a beautiful ending. (2 Peter 1:19, Psalm 139:1-18)
12/31/2021
What Is Your “Because”?It’s going by too fast. Faster than I want it to. Fear of the swiftness grabs a hold of my heart. I try to reach behind me and grasp at it, but it has already moved past me. Time. I want more time. Time with my kids and grandkids. Time with my best friend of 36 years.
What happened to this year? What happened to this Christmas season? What happened to yesterday? I want it to slow down, but it pays no heed to my desires. This year I watched as beloved friends lost their best friends and soul mates, and it crushed me. How could they move on? Is that the reality of what we thought would be our “Happily Ever After”? To fall more in love as each year passes, to grow old together and then to face the heartache of losing one another? Of losing your whole life? And then, the other night I watched as the story of Christmas came alive on television. And the message spoke to my heart. It went beyond the good tidings of great joy to a message of hope for all mankind. A message of hope because of Jesus. Do not be afraid. That message was spoken to Zacharias, to Joseph, to Mary, to the shepherds. The beautiful message tucked away within the pages of Christmas. Do not be afraid. That message spoke to me. I watched the television as Mary, the mother of Jesus, lay close to death. I couldn’t help but think how excited she must have been with the knowledge that her life was drawing to an end. The fear of death did not grip her. She did not try to grasp at the past, because she knew Who was waiting for her. Her Son and her Messiah. What love her heart held for Him. And it humbled my own heart that the love I have for Him does not reach that level as it should. I used to pride myself in the fact that I wasn’t afraid of death, because I had no doubt a home in heaven awaited me. Not because of anything I had done, but because of everything Jesus did for me. As each year passes, the reality of death has changed for me. I realize that there is a fear~not for myself~but a fear of loss. Loss of what I hold so dear. And I do not want to face it. I fear the loss of my husband. I fear the loss of time. Time that goes too quickly. Time that I want back. Death has become so much more real to me as the years go quickly by. If my eyes are not on Jesus, fear can consume my thoughts. But the angels words whisper to my fearful heart over and over again. Do not be afraid. God speaks those very words so often in His word, that it is easy to pass them by. Just like time. To not be intentional in the regarding. The regarding of every minute of every day. The regarding of choosing to truly hear God’s words spoken to a fearful heart. Do not be afraid. If God allows, next year I will be writing words of encouragement as another year ends. Next year. It will fly by even faster. I will look back and wonder where the time went. And so, I will purpose in my heart to let the message of this Christmas season soak into my soul. Do not be afraid. I don’t know what next year holds. So much can change, but God’s words will never change. They will be a constant until I behold Him in glory. I will cling to His unchanging promises as I step into the future and I will choose to believe them. Do not be afraid. Why? Because~ Jesus.
6/12/2021
Moments and MemoriesMoments that make up memories.
I realized yesterday that I use that phrase quite often when I write. The importance of those words is very weighty to me. There is nothing in this world that can take away, erase or change your memories. They are with you for the rest of your life. Like a feature film only you can see and play, as often as you would like. Most of the time we don’t get to choose the scenarios, they come upon us unawares as our days progress into each other. Day by day, moment by moment we live our lives, all the while turning those moments into memories. When my dad was still alive, memories of my childhood were precious, but I never fully understood their importance. Maybe because he was still with me and so, a part of me still felt like a child. I had him, I had my memories and I had pieces of my childhood all around me whenever I sat and visited with him. (which was almost a daily occurrence). It felt safe. It felt like home. And then~just like that, all of it was gone and I felt utterly abandoned and alone. I felt as if those memories were a life line I was grasping at and trying to hold on to~ because I no longer had them in the physical things I could see and touch. Dishes and utensils, pots and pans, china and silver~all the things I remember my mom using in my childhood were all priced, packed and put aside to sell. Furniture that I had dusted week after week from the time I started grade school was sold. Pictures were put in boxes and a home filled with my childhood seemed to be erased. I realize that this is something every one of us must face at some point in our lives. I will admit, I’m overly sentimental and probably wear my heart on my sleeve way too often. I almost couldn’t bare to do it. I almost couldn’t bare to part with one thing that my parents had cherished because every single thing, right down to the forks and spoons were part of a childhood that meant the world to me. I am so sentimental that I took pictures of every thing before packing it all up, every drawer and cupboard, every display on every shelf of every room. I even took pictures of my dad’s junk drawer. He was so organized and had everything so neat and tidy and it tickled my heart to see it. I didn’t care if I looked foolish for taking pictures of it all and I didn’t care if the tears fell. And they fell and they fell. And then it was all over and gone and all I had left was the memory of it all. I realized that I was the only one that possessed my unique and exact memories with my parents~ because they were both gone now too. And that’s when the importance of moments and memories hit me. But~ I realized in that moment that I was still making memories. My memories did not end with my parents. They will continue as long as I am alive. I can be a part of the memories in the hearts of my own children. Memories in the hearts of my grandchildren, memories in the heart of my husband, memories in the hearts of my family and my church family~ and my own heart felt such a stirring to remind you all of how important the memories we create from the moments we share are. Because memories are something that will always, always live on in our hearts until the day we die. We might move from house to house. Through the years we most likely will change our decor or our vehicle or our appliances, we might make new friends as the years pass, we might watch our children and grandchildren as they grow and move away and begin lives of their own, we may look lovingly at our spouse and their now wrinkled smile and gray hair, and we might even lose those we love dearly~ but we will never, ever lose our memories. The key to the beauty of it all is in the moments that make up those memories. We put so much importance on the things we can see and touch and possess. Things we think we can’t live without. Projects that have to be finished, jobs that must be done. Houses and cars and furniture and clothes and things we think will make us, or even our children happy. Things we think we are supposed to have. The American dream. But all the while we somehow forget that we can’t take any of it with us when we die. It will all be left behind for someone to sort through, to cry over and to make the hard decisions to sell. And then all that is left behind are the memories we have made in the moments we lived. Yes, I was sad to see my parent’s “things” go, but not because of the monetary value they held. I was sad because of the precious memories that made them so valuable. There is nothing wrong with making a wonderful life and home for yourself and your children. That’s exactly what my parents did for me, but don’t ever allow the making of that life to overshadow the moments with your children that create memories they will always cherish. What are you making of your moments? Every single second you live is a moment and a memory in the making. The words you say to those you love. The hugs and the kisses and the laughter and the magic. The snuggles and the reminiscing and the tenderness. The togetherness. That is what make up the moments that create beautiful memories. One day your child will no longer have you. They most likely will not have their childhood home or any of the things that fill that home. Things you think are so important. But they will always have their memories. Unique only to them. A precious gift that only you can give them by choosing today to make every moment count. To make every moment meaningful. To make a lifetime of every day normalcy into a fairytale of beautiful memories. I am a grandma, and yet I can remember my childhood like it was yesterday. Your children will too. Give those you love that beauty to remember. I will always cherish mine because it’s in that beauty of those memories that our loved ones live on forever.
6/5/2021
I Want To Go BackSome days I want to go back.
Back to when I was tiny and didn’t know about life. When I watched the love my mom poured into being a wife and mother, cooking and cleaning with pure contentment. When she would read to me or hold me when I was crying. When I believed everything would be okay, simply because she told me it would. When I had no cares except for what dress my baby dolls would wear or what flavor ice cream I would choose. A childhood filled with magic and make believe. A childhood filled with extraordinarily beautiful moments. Back to the days when mom made everything cozy and safe. I wish my younger little me could’ve understood how incredibly important those moments were. I wish I could’ve held on to them longer. Some days I wish I could go back to that first look. That first kiss. When the innocence of romance was far from reality. When there were no bills and no quarrels. When my world revolved around him and the love we shared. When he was the only person my eyes could see in a room full of people. When my heart would flutter with each smile and nothing mattered except him. When I put his needs before my own without a second thought. When the weight of life and the heartaches to come were non existent. When I thought that spark and excitement would last forever. Some days I wish I could go back to when they were little. When mommy was their world. When they thought she was the best and the smartest and had all the answers. When she could fix every problem and heal every boo~boo. When mommy was who they turned to when hearts were breaking or secrets were shared. When I watched them as they slept and felt my heart might burst for love of them. When they were safe in my care, under our roof. When I thought they would think of me this way for always and no matter how many years might pass, they would forever be my babies. Some days I wish I could go back to that day. Turning the corner and catching my daddy deep in thought. So deep he didn’t notice I was standing there. I wish I would’ve asked what he was thinking about more often. I wish I asked more questions about his childhood or what it was like raising my brothers and me. I wish I had asked what made him buy a farm and a horse or move back to a subdivision. I wish I had asked questions that might not have been important at the time but answers that would be so precious to me now. I wish I had asked how he was able to live again after mom passed because this is the toughest thing I’ve gone through. Living without them. Perhaps all those things are exactly what he was so deep in thought about. Perhaps he was wishing he could go back to when life was simpler and happiness came in bundles. Happiness we took for granted. Why is it that we don’t realize how important moments that make up our memories truly are until they are only memories? Memories that we can only visit in our hearts. Moments that we beg our children not to take for granted. Moments we want them to learn from now instead of later. How badly I wish I could go back to those moments in time and hold on to them and truly understand and cherish the beauty of each one. Never taking a single one for granted. Always thankful. Always being present. Always loving with my everything. Spending more time in those moments instead of in my head where the to~do’s and tomorrow’s came to visit too often. We can’t go back. But I can love like my mama on my grandchildren. I can make my home a place where they will always feel safe and cozy. I can’t go back to that first kiss but I can remember and recreate. I can choose to be selfless in my love for him and dwell on all the unbelievable goodness our marriage has held, and all the joy we have yet to look forward to. I can’t go back but I can always be that mom who points them to the answers in God’s word, who prays for them when their heart is breaking, who comforts them when secrets are shared. I can be that mom who tells them don’t take one second of your beautiful life for granted. I can be that mom that knows that no matter their age or where they might be, they are safe because God is holding them when I cannot. I can’t go back but I can look forward to the incredible joy I will one day encounter when I enter heaven’s glory and get to hug my Savior. When I get to let go of all the sadness, heaviness and grief as He holds me there. When I get to say thank you for all eternity, and it still won’t seem like enough because of all he’s done for me. When I get to see my loved ones that I have missed so deeply and know without a doubt how happy they are and have been and will forever be. And maybe that’s the lesson God has for us. To stop wishing on that past and start living for eternity. To look forward. To cherish more. To be present. To teach and to not take anything for granted and most importantly to look ahead to the home He has prepared for us. That beautiful home where our most cherished memories and moments will seem like nothing special at all compared to the glory we behold. That home. The home where happiness and joy will never cease and will always come in bundles.
4/2/2021
Feel The Weight. Know The JoyIn the last week I have been asked a very similar question on two separate occasions. The question went along the lines of~ What has God done for you this year?
I am embarrassed to admit that both times my mind went blank. My immediate thought was~He took my dad. And for some reason I couldn’t get past that. I didn’t want to answer. I wanted to get up and leave the room, partially because younger family members were waiting for my reply and partially because I’m a pastor’s wife, so shouldn’t I have my act together? Shouldn’t I come up with a million things God has done for me? I could have plastered on a fake smile and given a rehearsed, cliche answer on God’s abundance. I knew all the right words to say. In my heart I know He has given me countless blessings, but in that moment that was all that I could think of. My dad. He took my dad. As I contemplated what to write for a post this week I knew that I wanted it to go along with Easter, but again my mind was drawing a blank. For some reason I had writer’s block. I mentioned it to my husband only minutes before I was asked for the second time~ what has God done for you this year? I went down to my bedroom later and felt shame that I hesitated and could not answer in a way that would glorify my Savior. As I lay in bed in the quiet darkness that night, I mulled over that question again and again and I truly believe God answered me. A tender compassionate answer full of mercy and grace, patience and love~ Yes I took your dad Charisse, but that’s not the end of your story. I took him to heaven. I brought him home. Not only is he in the presence of the many loved ones that have gone on before him, but he is in My presence. That has given Me joy. He is home with me. And I wept. If it wasn’t for Easter. If it wasn’t for the horrific death Christ endured on the cross, my dad wouldn’t be in heaven today. The breathtakingly beautiful part of the glorious story of Easter doesn’t end with the horror of that death. It begins with life after death and the incomprehensible knowledge that~ Jesus did it all with joy. He was beaten and nailed to that cross. He hung in agony as He took the sins of all mankind upon Himself. He died for me and for you and he did it with joy. Did you get that? Do you truly understand that? He did it with JOY. Why? Because that’s how much He loves us. That’s how much He loves my dad. That’s how much He loves you. No matter what we go through or how hard our circumstances are, I have this hope to cling to~ Jesus did it with joy. For me. If I had to do it over, my answer would be so different. God has done so many amazingly beautiful things for me each and every day. I know there will always be trials, there will always be sorrow and pain, sickness and suffering. There will always be heartache in the permanent form of death, but none of these things are the end of our story. Love is. Jesus is. Heaven is. And Easter is our promise of that joy. What has God done for me this year? Everything. He’s done everything. And to know that He has done it with joy makes my heart sing. A love like that is almost unbelievable. How do I know it exists? I know because not only has He told me in His word, He continually reminds me when sorrow makes my heart forget. I truly believe God gave me writer’s block because He wanted to be the author and finisher of my faith. Easter is the perfect first chapter. It’s ending is a beginning. A beginning overflowing with pure love and absolute joy. Easter. For the joy that was set before Him He endured the cross that we might become the children of God. My dad is partaking in that reality in heaven even now. I get to partake of that reality here on earth. All because of Jesus. And because of that reality, my story has only just begun. “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God...” 1 John 3:1 “For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26 “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 When was the last time you laughed?
I mean really, truly laughed, holding nothing back. Laughed until you cried and your sides hurt and you couldn’t breathe? Do you remember the freedom in that? Feeling like just for a moment all the cares of the world were pushed aside and you were free to let go and experience unfiltered joy? (Luke 6:21, Psalm 126:2) If you cannot recall a time like this, perhaps you are living inside circumstances of sorrow, whatever that sorrow might be. Maybe you didn’t even realize you were residing there, until you thought about how long it had been since you laughed in such a way. Maybe you’re sitting in circumstances of your own choosing or maybe you have no control over the sorrow that has enveloped your life. Whatever the case, I don’t want you to be stuck there and more importantly, God doesn’t want you stuck there. A life of being stuck in sorrow is not His plan for you. I’ve looked back at articles I’ve written and realized that I can be a bit emotional at times. When God moves my heart so tremendously, it stirs a deep passion within me to want to share that with others. Phrases I often use are: God loves you so much. God is always with you. God will help you through anything. Allow Him to hold you. Cry out to Him. All of these things are true, but might leave the reader feeling lost and questioning~ but how? And so today, we’re going to start with the first 3 points on our journey through circumstances to joy. I’m going to show you some things that God has used in my own life to pull me out of my sorrow and help me see hope in the joy before me. 1. If you read my Ebook you know that my first point is always the same. The difference in how this point is applied often depends on the circumstances we are in. Whatever the circumstances are, this will always be the most important thing you can do. Ask God for help. (Matthew 11:28-30, Galatians 5:22a) I will never stop asking, even when I know deep in my heart that there are things I need to change. When I know that I should be implementing the steps in this article on a daily basis, but I don’t. When I am too emotionally and physically exhausted to push through and do those things, I continually just talk to God all day long. Even on those days that I fool myself into thinking joy will never come again, so “what’s the point?”~there is one thing I know to be true no matter what~ He will never leave me. He won’t abandon me. He will pull me through this. The Holy Spirit will minister to my heart and comfort me, even when life feels hopeless and joy feels far. God is always trying to help us but too often our circumstances tune Him out. Never stop asking God to help you, even if you feel like He is silent. He is helping you without you even realizing it. (John 14:16,18, Zephaniah 3:17, Isaiah 26:3&4 2. Realize that when you ask for help, the circumstances that follow are God’s way of helping you~you just need to open your eyes to see it. You know what usually makes me happy? Predictable, mundane, day in, day out schedules. Being in control. Knowing that each day holds its tasks and at the end of that day Mike and I will relax on the couch. Maybe we will talk or watch a few of our favorite shows. We will laugh, we’ll go to bed, I will feel fulfilled with what I accomplished that day. I’m that kind of person. I’m a schedule and list maker. I thrive on routine. I’m a control freak. If my house isn’t cleaned up and straightened at night with everything in its place, I can’t relax. I feel uneasy and unhappy. This need to be in control is just as bad as looking at material things for happiness. I’m looking at “the control I think I have over situations” to make me happy and last March when life went out of control and spiraled downwards month after month into continual heartbreak, I lost all control and my happiness along with it. I yearn for predictable and mundane. It’s how I’m wired. The past 3 weeks have been anything but. My dad passed away unexpectedly in October. Working on packing up his things has only been part of the “crazy busy” my life has been. Long days have gone into long evenings right into early mornings and the crazy busy beginning all over again. I found myself thinking I just want a normal day at home. I want to do some laundry, bake some cookies, clean my house, sit in front of my cozy fire drinking coffee or just watch TV! But as I complained about that busyness and thought about my prayer for help, the Holy Spirit showed me that because I have been so busy I haven’t had time to just sit and think. Usually “the sitting and thinking” leads to “the missing and crying”. As my head hit the pillow each night I realized I was so exhausted that I fell asleep quickly, as opposed to laying in the dark crying. And I knew it was God. God was helping me. It might not have been a way I would’ve chosen, it certainly wasn’t an easy way, but it was God’s way and it worked. He knows my crazy, emotional, over thinker brain far better than I do. (Psalm 139:2) Jesus is continually going to God on our behalf and I now wonder how many times through the years I missed the answers to the prayers I had prayed, just because they weren’t the solution I was looking for. (Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25) 3. Stop listening to yourself (John 15:11) If God in all His wisdom did not intervene and answer my cries for help, I would be overthinking everything. My emotions are continually telling my brain that things will never change. Because I’m such an emotional person, I too often let my emotions dictate my life. I think all women~ whether they want to admit it or not~ are emotional. Our lovely hormones play a big part in that. When my emotions begin to dictate what my life story is, I start to believe it. I don’t like to admit this, but quite often since my dad died I have been scared. Not scared as in fearful, but scared as in “this unshakeable heaviness and lonely feeling.” Scared as in “this dark cloud of sadness will never go away. I will never see joy again.” The beginning of each day seems to be promising as I open God’s words to me and pray, but as the day slowly creeps by and thoughts bombard my mind, as my emotions kick me over and over again~ I feel as if God is very far away. That scares me. These are the times that we must realize our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9, Psalms 94:19), Even if we are struggling to believe it, we must go back to point number 1 and talk it out with God. Stop listening to ourselves and listen to what God is speaking over us. (Philippians 3:3) His words are truth, our emotions are not. He isn’t far away. He isn’t there only in the times we set aside to kneel and pray. He is our constant companion. A friend that sticks closer than a brother. A comforter and peace maker. He is the ONLY One who understands with 100% clarity and compassion what our heart is going through. (Psalms 139:1-18, Philippians 2:5, 4:6-7, 2 Timothy 1:7, Proverbs 16:3, Luke 2:10, John 15:11) You can’t simply “choose joy” without God. You can’t wake up and just decide “Starting today, I’m going to be happy” without God. Our strength is not enough. It will never be enough. It doesn’t matter what kind of a personality you have, Satan knows your weakness and he will find a way to steal that joy. Only Jesus is the strength of our joy. Pray about these first few points this week. Ask God to open your heart and your eyes and show you what you’ve been missing. (Nehemiah 8:10) I am so confident in the strength and power of God’s truths and the joy they speak over our circumstances, that I am adding a second post today. Scripture that you can print out and continually read throughout your day to comfort and encourage your heart. You can have freedom from sorrow. You can laugh again~deep, heartfelt, freeing laughter from the depths of your soul. Laughter that comes from unfiltered joy. Laughter that only comes from God and the joy that only Jesus gives. Make that your goal this week. JOY.
1/4/2021
Finding The Good In The GrievingFINDING THE GOOD IN THE GRIEVING
I realize this is a very long post, but I ask you to bear with me because once again, I’m going to be brutally honest here and admit some things I’m dealing with. Things I don’t want to think about, let alone write about. But things that God has given me to help me through this. Steps that I think can truly help others. I know many of you have been anticipating 2021 since March of 2020. It’s been a year of horrors, and people desperately need to believe everything will change for the better in the coming year. But I am struggling. Thanksgiving and Christmas~ decorating shopping, wrapping, baking, Hallmark movies and Christmas music~ all of these things masked the deep ache of grief in my heart. I didn’t want to face it just like I don’t want to face 2021. I don’t want to move forward. My heart wants to go back in time. I’m facing the responsibilities that go along with losing your last parent. Packing up a lifetime of memories my dad held on to. My memories. I don’t want to go through his drawers and cupboards and make the hard decisions on what gets thrown away, or given away, or kept. I want to keep it all, right down to the tape dispenser and air freshener he recently purchased. No, my heart doesn’t want to move forward. Instead, I want to go back in time and just sit with him there in his living room. Laughing about something funny my grandchildren did. Sharing a chocolate. Reminiscing. I want to see his red Jeep outside my front door as he stops by for his daily check in. Always smiling. I want to tell him one more time how much I love him. I know many of you are in the same boat. This year has taken so many loved ones. The heartbreak has been unfathomable. In the past 5 months I’ve written 7 posts on a variety of things that can change your life for the better. Today my own heart longs to be changed. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to mask the pain with busyness or superficial happiness. I don’t want to continue to push it down into the recesses of my soul and pretend it isn’t there, always looming over me like a black cloud. I don’t want to dwell on “what if’s” and “could have been’s”. So how? How do I move past this deep ache of grief? I understand that everyone deals with grief differently. My own personality does not want to read someone else’s words on how to deal with grief. The devil knows this. He knows our personalities and he will use our own deceitful hearts against us. (Jeremiah 17: 9) He tricks me into believing that I am unique in my pain and no one can possibly understand enough to write anything that will help. But he is wrong. God has continually been tugging at my heart. He will never leave me. (Hebrews 13:5b) He will not give up on me~ even when I feel like giving up on me. He is always whispering to my sadness~”I am right here Charisse.” (Romans 8:38&39) And so, today I want to share some simple things God has used to comfort me. I am a work in progress. My words are not the ‘end all’ solution. They are a day by day choice. Every single day has new challenges and I know I am facing some even harder ones in the coming weeks. 1. Ask God for help- As I have said in my previous ‘life changing’ posts, my number 1 tip will always, always, always be to ask God for help. You will never conquer the next 6 steps if you do not take this very first one. (Psalms 16:11, Romans 8:26, John 14:16-18, 26, I Peter 5:7) 2. Stay in Gods word- The minute I slip away and allow other things to come before, or even replace my time spent talking to God or reading His word is the minute the heartbreaking grief takes control. (John 15:11, I Thessalonians 5:17) Every morning I must get out of bed and choose joy. (Nehemiah 8:10) Choose God, His words, His promises, His peace. Some days when I wake up I just know it’s going to be a good day. I smile. I tell myself I can do this. Other mornings, I just want to hide under the covers and sleep the day away so I don’t have to deal. I don’t know why one morning can be so different from the next, but these are the days that I must choose wisely. I must choose God. Which takes me back to point number 1. I cannot do this in my own strength, so on days like this I cry out to Him and ask Him to help me. Some days I am silently begging Him for help over and over and over again. Even though the day may feel like it was the worst day ever, when I lay my head on my pillow that night I realize I made it through, but only because of Him. If we could see our lives the way God can~if we could understand how horrible things would have been without His continuing presence~we would realize that even on our worst days He was right there with us and got us through it. (Jeremiah 33:3) Tomorrow is a new day. (Psalms 118:24) 3. Face your grief- as much as I don’t want to, I have realized that I cannot pretend my dad is just gone visiting my brothers. I cannot push the pain down deep and not think about it, because in doing so the pain will remain debilitating. I must face it, and in facing it a myriad of other steps come into play. 4. Cry. Talk it out. Ask for help and prayer- We should not feel shame for the grief we are going through. We do not have to pretend we have it all together. We need to cry and not bottle everything inside. This is an area I have a hard time with. I do not want to cry because I do not want to cause my children worry or sadness and I don’t want my grandchildren to see me sad. I have realized that this not only makes the process harder, but drags the grief out longer and longer. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, for someone to just come and sit with you as you talk about what you’re going through or just need to reminisce. (Galatians 6:2) There is nothing wrong with asking others to please pray for you when you are having a bad day. (I Thessalonians 5:25, James 5:16, Matthew 18:20) There is nothing wrong with crying. (Psalms 56:8-13) There is nothing in the Bible that says that we shouldn’t cry, only that we should not cry as if we have no hope. (I Thessalonians 4:13) Which brings me to my next point. 5. Eternity- God has given us this amazing, unaltering hope through the shed blood of His Son Jesus on the cross. Eternity. If we believe that Jesus died and rose again, if we in repentance accept His gift of salvation~ God promises us eternity with Him in heaven. (I Thessalonians 4:14) My daddy did this and I have the full assurance from God’s word that my dad is at home in heaven right now. (Romans 6:8, John 14:2, I John 5:13, II Corinthians 5:8) If I choose to focus on my dad instead of myself~ it changes my whole perspective. Why would I choose to wish for him to be here with me, when he is in the very presence of his God? His Heavenly Father who loved him so greatly that He sent His Son to die for Him? My cousin so sweetly reminded me of this on Christmas Day. His very words were~”he is celebrating Christ with your mom right now.” My parents are celebrating Christ, and what a celebration!!! They are in glory. No more pain. (Revelation 21:4) Only praises. (Psalms 89:5, Luke 15:10) 6. Focus on the good and be thankful- This can be a hard one because when we focus on the good and happy memories, they often bring the tears as well. I know there will come a day when my tears turn into happy, thankful tears. And so, I will remember all the happy times. All the moments turned into memories. The moments that wouldn’t seem particularly special at all to anyone else, but hold beautiful happiness to me. Moments that I thank God for. (Philippians 4:6) As much as my heart hurts and wants those moments back, if I continually remember step number 1, I know that God will help me to be thankful and to see how amazing it was that I had all those silly, special, mundane moments with my dad here in Caseville the last four years. 7. Live every day as if it were your last- (Psalms 90:12b) We do not know what tomorrow holds. (James 4:14) We aren’t promised tomorrow, or even today. Knowing this, and with God’s help, I am moving into the future. Today. January 1, 2021. I am resolving to live every day to the fullest. To see the beauty in every single thing~ whether that’s the snow storm in our forecast, whether that’s the silly things my husband does that tend to irritate me or my aching back that I threw out putting Christmas decorations away~ I am asking God to show me the good in every singe thing. And my friend~ there is SO MUCH GOOD. (James 1:17) Beautiful, fresh clean snow. A picture of a new beginning. A husband that loves me despite all my irritating qualities (like putting away heavy Christmas boxes without asking for help) and then waits on me hand and foot. Time spent sitting with him because, as much as I want to, I can’t move. And realizing how precious this time of doing ‘nothing’ is. I am resolving to truly be present for my grandchildren. To stop and listen to their childish babbling and soak in every word. To play with them and create beautiful moments they can someday remember and be thankful for. So I will ask you~ how do you want your friends and your loved ones to remember you right now? Today? If you drew your last breath as you fell asleep tonight, just as my dad did, would they remember sadness or would they remember joy? Not a masked happiness but the true joy that only comes from God? I want my friends and loved ones to remember joy. I want my husband and children and grandchildren to remember my laughter. I want them to remember me smiling, just as I will always hold the memory of my dad. My sweet, precious dad outside my front door in his red Jeep. Smiling. Smile again with me my friends. I promise, God can change your life! Ask Him to help you find the good again.
12/3/2020
I Have EnoughThere wasn’t a better feeling in the whole world than the feeling she had right now.
Snuggled on her daddy’s lap. Laughing at her little brother. Listening to Andy Williams as he told her It Was The Most Wonderful Time. Seeing the glow of the fireplace as it danced across the tinsel that hung from the tree. Smiling at her beautiful mom all dressed up, yet working in the kitchen preparing the turkey. Little wax angels on the window sill watching over her. A snowman candle on the piano and daddy’s teddy bear tucked on her lap. Christmas books laid out, ready to read on this perfect Christmas Eve. Her tiny heart was so full. My tiny heart was so full. Others might laugh at the things I choose to display at Christmas time~ The books, the candles, my dads teddy bear. My parents retro Christmas bulbs or the fruited wreath and basket my mom always displayed~ but all of these things are beautiful reminders to me of those I love. Reminders of my mom and my dad who aren’t here with me this year to celebrate the holiday they both loved so much. The holiday they made so magical for me. Each one of these things is a piece of them, a piece of my heart. Even though they are simple heirlooms, they remind me of a heart full of thankfulness for those I love so dearly. They remind me that even though my heart misses them, I cannot be sad as I celebrate Thanksgiving because they have left me so much joy and happiness. They have left me the gift of gratitude. I want to leave that same joy and happiness for my own children and grandchildren. This year has been horrific for many of us and yet, my heart that once was so tiny is now so full. How can I not be thankful? I have so much to be thankful for. I lost my daddy, but I will never lose the legacy he left me. I will never lose the beautiful memories my heart clings to. I will never lose the love he gave. I will never lose the magic of Christmas he instilled in me. Today I snuggle with my granddaughters. The glow from the fireplace dances off the ornaments that were once my parents. Andy Williams is telling us It’s The Most Wonderful Time. The teddy bear is tucked on Ellie’s lap as Clara holds our manger’s baby Jesus. I want their tiny hearts to be full. Someday when I’m gone and they’re up in my attic looking through my boxes, I want them to cherish the decorations that only they might hold so dear. Others might not understand why they choose to display them. My prayer is that when they do, they don’t remember the Thanksgiving grandma was so sad but instead how very much they were loved and how much they have to be thankful for. Yes, there is always so very much to be thankful for. Fill the tiny hearts in your life with that love and thankfulness this Thanksgiving. Give them the gift of gratitude. Psalms 78:4-7, 102:18, I Thessalonians 5:18 Colossians 3:15 II Corinthians 9:11 Philippians 4:11, 13 JJHeller I Have Enough
11/12/2020
The Sweetest VisitIt was the sweetest visit.
The time went by way too fast, but it was precious. Three full years, almost to the day. Right down my street. He came and he stayed, with no rush or agenda. Just sitting, visiting and reminiscing. We laughed so much. Sometimes we cried. We went on Father Daughter “dates” and drank the best cup of Main Street coffee (his favorite). I rocked with him every summer night on his porch. I signed every note and card “Daddy’s Little Girl”. He told me so many stories about his life that I never knew. I didn’t think I could love him more than I already did. His visit changed all that, and my love grew deeper every day. I wanted happiness for him, yet even through the fun times and the laughter, there was always a bit of loneliness in his eyes for home. For his sweetheart. At times I could tell he was physically in pain, but he would never complain. He always smiled. He always laughed. He joked with me and he worried about me. Each conversation was like a comforting hug. Each “goodnight text” and each “good morning” Santa emoji made me smile. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay long, but in my heart I had hoped it would be longer. He didn’t like goodbyes, so the day he left shouldn’t have been a surprise. He wouldn’t have wanted to say goodbye. He wouldn’t have wanted any sadness, so he quietly left. He went home. Home to his sweetheart. Home to his Father. I didn’t want him to leave. The pain seems unbearable to not have him here with me anymore. I wonder if the tears will ever stop. At times I am completely broken and feel I can’t go on. He moved in, right down my street on October 6, the week of Homecoming. We got to watch the school parade together. He got to see his great grandchildren marching and calling “Hi Pops!” Three years later on October 8 he left. The week before Homecoming. Homecoming. Now he is truly Home. And I think of him and how happy he is to be there. No more pain or loneliness or sadness. His little girl could never have taken that away from him while he was here, no matter how hard I tried. I’m so thankful God gave us that three year visit. What a precious, happy time. I know without a doubt that I will see him again. I will get to go to his home and it won’t just be a visit. We will have eternity to laugh together with our Heavenly Father. No more tears or sadness, pain or loneliness. It was the very best visit. Every day mattered. I’m so glad I realized that sooner than later. I’m so glad I rode my bike down to his house every day. I’m so glad I cooked him meals and took him to doctor appointments. I’m so glad he got three wonderful years with his grandkids and great grandkids. I’m so glad I didn’t have to say goodbye. It was just a visit and I will see him again soon. He isn’t gone forever, just for a while. Thank you Jesus for allowing him to visit me. Thank you Jesus for writing me a love letter that gives me the assurance that this was not goodbye. Thank you Jesus for preparing a home for him. Thank you Jesus for preparing a home for me. Not a home on Prospect Street in Caseville. A home on streets of gold. Next door to my daddy in the presence of our Father. He isn’t home in heaven today because he was such a great dad or grandpa. He’s not home because he went to church or tried his best to be good. He’s home because of Jesus taking away his sins on the cross. He’s home because he knew he was a sinner that needed a Savior. Jesus transformed his heart and life. All of us are truly just visiting. This world isn’t our home for eternity. We don’t ever have to say a final goodbye. I’d love for you to know that you can have a home with my dad and my Heavenly Father someday. I’d love for you to meet the man that made my heart so happy and the Father who’s joy is my strength. We can be free of the fear of death because of Jesus. That’s something my daddy would’ve wanted you to know. No sad goodbyes. Just a sweet and precious visit.
11/2/2020
ARE YOU FATHERLESS?The raw humanity of grief has overwhelmed my soul the last few weeks. My heart feels such a hurting emptiness. My emotions have gone from despair to anger to joy, almost as if I’m on a roller coaster. Despair that I will never say I love you to my dad again, or visit with him on his porch. No texts, no meals together, no more reminiscing about the beautiful life God blessed us with. Despair at the feeling that my childhood has been taken from me and I am left alone without the comfort of a mom or a dad to love me, as only a mom and dad can. Anger when others have told me God won’t give me more than I can handle. Anger that someone would tell my kids they shouldn’t be so broken hearted. Anger when others have told me my dad wouldn’t want me sad, or how much sweeter heaven gets every day. My selfish heart wants that sweetness back. My selfish heart wants them here with me again. I am ashamed to even admit this. I know in my heart that the despair and the anger are not where God wants me to stay, but I also know He understands. He understands the despair. He understands the anger. When you lose someone you loved with all your heart, He understands the tears. The tears fell this week. I cried out to God. I told Him I don’t want to be strong, I just want my dad back. I begged God to help me. As I cried out to Him, somehow through the tears and the despair, through the anger and the weeping~joy came. Psalm 30:5b Joy because God showed me how very much He loves me. His love is infinitely greater than my own. It’s infinitely greater than the love of my mom or my dad. God’s love is greater than life itself. As I wept over the fact that I lost my dad so close to Christmas and that we would not be sharing our favorite holiday together, as I tried to hold on to hope amidst the ache my heart felt~God reminded me of a song my daughter sang last Christmas Eve. A song my dad loved. I have listened to that song over and over again this week. The words have filled me with unexplainable joy~ “Wondrous Gift of heaven, the Father sends the Son. Planned from time eternal, moved by holy love. He will carry our curse~ and death He’ll reverse~ so we can be daughters and sons. Who would’ve dreamed, or ever foreseen that we could hold God in our hands? The Giver of life, born in the night revealing God’s glorious plan. To save the world. To save the world.” He knew the pain of death and separation from our loved ones would be a pain we could never bear on our own. He knew the sin of the world would bring death. And so~ He sent His Son. God sent His Son to save the world. He sent His Son to save me. He sent His Son to save you. That is the joy I will focus on. The joy of the wondrous gift God gave me. The gift of His Son. He reversed death and gave me the gift of eternal life in heaven with Him. The gift of being carried home to my people someday. The gift of being in the presence of God almighty. The gift of falling into the arms of my Jesus, my Savior and my Redeemer. The gift of knowing that my mom and my dad are in Gods presence even now. Because God gave His only begotten Son. The rawness of my broken heart will probably never go away until the day I see Jesus, but I will cling to that joy in the brokenness because those I miss so very much are in the presence of Jesus. And one day I will be too. I can never stop thanking Him for such a beautiful gift. I miss my dad~ but I am God’s daughter. He is a Father to the fatherless. He is my Father, a Father of infinite love. Love greater than life itself.
3/4/2020
You Can’t Do ThisYOU CAN’T DO THIS
Everyone deals with grief or pain or heartache differently. Some people talk about it. They cry openly. They pray and seek God. And the harder things seem, the more they seek Him. Sadly my flesh is not that way. Ever since I was a child, whenever I was faced with something sad and overwhelming I would determine not to think about it. I would push it as far back in my mind as I could and if it popped back up, I would shove it down further. Until I broke. When my mom passed away I remember being on stage at her funeral. I sat at a large, white grand piano with my girls and we sang~”There Will Always Be A Christmas in Heaven.” My mom loved Christmas. I didn’t shed a tear that day, and so many people asked how I was able to do that. I smiled and I lied and I mumbled something about God giving me the strength, when in reality I refused to think about it. When people asked, I said I was fine. But I wasn’t. A month later, on Christmas night I broke. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed heart wrenching tears that wouldn’t stop. I finally admitted I wasn’t fine. I told God I couldn’t do it alone. And yet, every single time I’m faced with heartache, somehow I think I can handle it on my own. I shove it back into my mind and down deep into my heart and press on in my own strength~ but every single time I break. I fall before God and cry out to Him. And I wonder how He continues to love me, lift me back up and restore my brokenness. I do this with big things like grief, and I do this with little things like the pressures of everyday demands that weigh on my shoulders and get heavier and heavier until I can no longer carry them anymore. Why do I do this? When will I learn? I can’t do this. Not without Him. And so, this morning when I woke up and looked ahead at everything that needed to be accomplished today, this week, this month~ Today when I didn’t want to get out of bed. Today when I drank a little more caffeine and tried to give myself the pep talk of “you can do this Charisse”. Today God told me I can’t. Today God told me to pick up His word, to listen for His words of encouragement and to give it all to Him. And so I did. Tomorrow I might fall again. I might fall over and over again. But I am so thankful for my God Who doesn’t look at my yesterday’s and hold them against me. My God Who gives me a brand new day to start over. My God who continually picks me up, wipes away my tears and tells me~ I will do it for you.
11/6/2019
Are You Hurting?ARE YOU HURTING?
Today, I am. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year, but also one of the hardest. The moment that first chill is in the air, the leaves begin to fall and their colors light up the world, my thoughts go to my mom. Even though it has been 17 years, the pain of that day is very present. Somehow my heart still wants to rewind and pretend it never happened. I can remember this very week in October like it was yesterday. We were in the middle of a huge house renovation. One that I had desperately wanted, but one that was taking its toll on me. I didn’t think I could handle much more, but I tried to make the best of it. Little children were ringing our doorbell~ smiles and candy were given freely~ but deep down I just wanted to call my mom and pour my heart out. I needed the comforting words I knew she would speak~ but I never got to hear them again. Without warning~ three days later she was gone. When I think about the phone call from my dad that morning, my heart almost feels as if it’s suffocating. People often ask~Why does God allow us to have beauty in our lives, only to take it away? Sweet friend, God doesn’t allow us pain so that we can somehow be bullied into serving Him. Pain was never a part of God’s plan. The brokeness of this world as a result of sin is what causes pain. It causes heartache. It causes the tears to flow. God never expects us to go without crying. He knows the heartbreak of pain because~ God Himself came down to earth and experienced all these things. The difference in His suffering was that Jesus did it FOR me. He did it FOR you. So when you find the tears falling uncontrollably and you feel alone in your pain, please realize~ you are never, ever alone. Jesus love for you was so great that he willingly CHOSE to experience the same things you are going through at this very moment. The King of Kings came to earth for me. He knew what He would be facing here on earth. He knew what His physical body would have to endure. He knew the heartache and brokenness that sin has ravished on our world. He knew the end~ but He chose to come so that you could have a beginning. A new life. Imagine having the choice to say no to the pain and heartache you are going through right now. I would never choose the pain. But He did. When I think of the level of heartache I have been through, I can’t imagine choosing to purposely go through that for anyone. There were times It almost broke me. But He did it for me. And He did it for you. So let the tears flow. God expects nothing less~ but never forget He is right there with you, holding you. He understands. He wept those same tears. All because of a love that we can never fully comprehend. Allow that love to bring you comfort today. God incarnate took your pain upon Himself. He lived and breathed it and then He nailed it to the cross. The very words~”It is finished” are the comforting words your soul needs to hear. No, you are never alone no matter how hard the pain is. I’m with you. And so is He. John 1:14 John 3:16 John 11:33-36 Hebrews 4:15,16 Luke 19:41,42 Psalm 34:18 |
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