The raw humanity of grief has overwhelmed my soul the last few weeks.
My heart feels such a hurting emptiness. My emotions have gone from despair to anger to joy, almost as if I’m on a roller coaster.
Despair that I will never say I love you to my dad again, or visit with him on his porch. No texts, no meals together, no more reminiscing about the beautiful life God blessed us with. Despair at the feeling that my childhood has been taken from me and I am left alone without the comfort of a mom or a dad to love me, as only a mom and dad can.
Anger when others have told me God won’t give me more than I can handle. Anger that someone would tell my kids they shouldn’t be so broken hearted. Anger when others have told me my dad wouldn’t want me sad, or how much sweeter heaven gets every day.
My selfish heart wants that sweetness back. My selfish heart wants them here with me again.
I am ashamed to even admit this.
I know in my heart that the despair and the anger are not where God wants me to stay, but I also know He understands. He understands the despair. He understands the anger. When you lose someone you loved with all your heart, He understands the tears.
The tears fell this week.
I cried out to God.
I told Him I don’t want to be strong,
I just want my dad back.
I begged God to help me.
As I cried out to Him, somehow through the tears and the despair, through the anger and the weeping~joy came.
Joy because God showed me how very much He loves me. His love is infinitely greater than my own. It’s infinitely greater than the love of my mom or my dad.
God’s love is greater than life itself.
As I wept over the fact that I lost my dad so close to Christmas and that we would not be sharing our favorite holiday together, as I tried to hold on to hope amidst the ache my heart felt~God reminded me of a song my daughter sang last Christmas Eve.
A song my dad loved.
I have listened to that song over and over again this week.
The words have filled me with unexplainable joy~
“Wondrous Gift of heaven, the Father sends the Son. Planned from time eternal, moved by holy love.
He will carry our curse~
and death He’ll reverse~
so we can be daughters and sons.
Who would’ve dreamed, or ever foreseen that we could hold God in our hands? The Giver of life, born in the night revealing God’s glorious plan.
To save the world.
To save the world.”
He knew the pain of death and separation from our loved ones would be a pain we could never bear on our own. He knew the sin of the world would bring death. And so~
He sent His Son.
God sent His Son to save the world.
He sent His Son to save me.
He sent His Son to save you.
That is the joy I will focus on.
The joy of the wondrous gift God gave me. The gift of His Son. He reversed death and gave me the gift of eternal life in heaven with Him. The gift of being carried home to my people someday. The gift of being in the presence of God almighty. The gift of falling into the arms of my Jesus, my Savior and my Redeemer. The gift of knowing that my mom and my dad are in Gods presence even now.
Because God gave His only begotten Son.
The rawness of my broken heart will probably never go away until the day I see Jesus, but I will cling to that joy in the brokenness because those I miss so very much are in the presence of Jesus.
And one day I will be too. I can never stop thanking Him for such a beautiful gift.
I miss my dad~
but I am God’s daughter.
He is a Father to the fatherless.
He is my Father, a Father of infinite love.
Love greater than life itself.