The end of 2002 and the year 2003 were incredibly hard on our little church. Five moms passed away in that short amount of time, including my sweet sister in law~ less than a week after giving birth to her 6th child, and my own precious mom. We didn’t have our usual Mother Daughter banquet at church that year. The grief was still so fresh.
I remember so many tears at that time. Reading all the quotes about grief getting easier with time and yet, here I am 20 years later, and it seems like yesterday to me.
Year by year the grief has changed with me, along with my view of my mother.
The older I get, the more I understand. And I miss her. It’s almost a daily occurrence for me to wish I could ask her a question, or share in that deep love I have for my grandchildren or just give her a hug.
There were so many things I got irritated about when I was younger, when life got crazy and I needed her but she couldn’t come for one reason or another. I’m sad to admit that I never realized how much SHE needed me and now as each year passes, I understand more and more and I find myself crying for the young selfish girl
I once was and whispering “I’m sorry mom.”
Guilt and grief can often live side by side, but guilt is not the author of my words today. Love, and understanding that comes with age is.
Your mom will never be perfect.
Your mom will mess up, but..
Your mom loves you with her everything. She always will.
She will never stop loving you.
She won’t always be able to be the mama you remember as a child. She will wish with all her heart that she could be but…
She will get older and she will need you just as much as you need her.
And sadly, you won’t see it because in your eyes she is the mom of your yesterdays. The one who always took care of you.
You are who you are because of who she was and who she is. Her spark lives inside of you. She raised you to be the strong woman you are. To accomplish “all the things” whether that’s school or a job or raising a family. And as you are accomplishing “all the things”, you won’t see mom with clear eyes until one day you’re her age and you’re watching your own children as they accomplish “all the things.” All the things she taught you. All the things you taught them.
And you will wish for that time back when you could’ve said “I understand mom.” When you could’ve said “I’m not too busy for you.” When you could’ve said “how can I help?” When you could’ve said “thank you” more. When you could say “I love you” one more time.
Mother’s Day is a good place to start, but it shouldn’t end there. A mom is a mom every single day, whether her child is a newborn, or a senior citizen. She is mom. Don’t wait until she’s gone to realize how much you took for granted. You may not get to spend another Mother’s Day with her.
The grief still seems fresh, but in so many different ways than it did 20 years ago. Don’t hold on to the mess ups. Jesus doesn’t hold on to ours. Hold on to all the good. Ask God to open your eyes to that spark that lives inside you, to the woman she was and the woman she is. The mom who loves you with her everything. Don’t whisper wishes in the dark when she’s gone. Tell her today how much she means to you. Tell her thank you.
Not just today, but everyday because one day your “everydays” will become a thing of the past.