Confessions Of A Pastor’s Wife
Sometimes I look at my treadmill with disdain.
Sometimes, most times, I’d rather be eating a gallon of ice cream in bed.
Sometimes I’d rather be binge watching Netflix.
Sometimes I look at that grilled chicken and want that pizza and fudge. And more fudge.
Sometimes I want that Pepsi with the high fructose corn syrup.
Sometimes I want to sleep in.
Sometimes I don’t want to text or answer emails or phone calls.
Sometimes I don’t want to people or parent.
Sometimes I want to be alone.
Sometimes I feel all alone.
Sometimes I don’t want to teach and minister.
Sometimes I’m weary in well doing.
Sometimes I don’t want to pretend to be happy.
Sometimes I want to cry.
Sometimes my thoughts are dark and I question everything.
Sometimes I don’t want to do the hard.
And sometimes church is hard.
Sometimes I just want to slip into a pew unnoticed and be fed from God’s word without having to think.
Sometimes I just want to be.
I am a conundrum. I am told if I start something it will become a habit and eventually I will enjoy it. I have meticulously stuck to these habits for over a year.
Here are the results of all the enjoyment I find in performing said habits:
Getting up early. None
Running two miles every day. None
Eating healthy. None
Avoiding pop. None
I still want to sleep in. I don’t enjoy running. I’d rather eat those greasy French fries and I definitely want that large, ice cold Pepsi.
There are even times that I fall into the bad habit of skipping bible reading and prayer.
Again. And again.
Sleep seems like a better option.
Television and mindless scrolling feel like a lot less work.
And then I realize that my view of everything that should be a privilege to me, everything that is actually good for my body and soul is viewed in a messed up way. My feelings override my logic and steal my peace. I view too many things as work. I view too many things as hard. Jeremiah 17:9
I view too many things exactly like satan wants me too. And maybe you do too.
I’ve heard that phrase so often this week and it’s so true. Despite my grumbling and complaining, through His amazing grace He opens my eyes to the “beautiful” satan has hidden behind the word “hard”. Sometimes I don’t want to do all the things, but every time, every single time, I see God in each one. When I am weak (which is 99.999% of the time) His strength makes me strong.
From running on the treadmill and the happy endorphins I get afterward (because that’s how cool God created us), to grumbling as my alarm goes off but an hour later praising Him for all the promises His words gave me for the day, and all the peace my prayers to Him afforded me. From eating healthy and the good changes it causes in my hormonal imbalances and moods, to the energy it gives to run after my grandchildren as they tease “grandma you can’t catch me”.
From the introvert who doesn’t want to “people” to the beautiful task God has laid at my feet to be a pastor’s wife. To be able to share everything He has done for me. To feel my heart burst with love for my church family. To somehow be used of God to help others and in turn, the encouragement He speaks through them to my thirsty soul.
Isaiah 52:7, Romans 10:15
To be able to go to church.
Do the hard. Do the hard. Let me say it again.
DO. THE. HARD.
Sometimes you won’t want to,
most times you won’t want to,
but every time God will show up in His miraculous way. He will smile and He will say
“Let me show you again why you should be doing the hard things”.
Yes sometimes life is hard but if we don’t do the hard~ life would be SO. MUCH. HARDER.
God knows that. We’re just a little stubborn and lazy. We fall into our bad habits or greatly dislike our new ones. Deep down we realize that those bad habits do not bring happiness.
Let me encourage you today from someone with a little too much experience in this area, when you fall prey to your own “sometimes” look back to all the “every times” because that’s where God is. That’s where God always shows up. That’s where the miracles happen.
Do the hard.
He will never fail you because He is the God of
Every. Single. Time.
Hebrews 12:1-3, 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, 2 Timothy 4:7-8, 2 Corinthians 12:10
© 2020 HOLDING HOPE