I am scared.
And I can’t process it.
Countless times in my past I always knew God was in control, despite the pain I might have been going through at the time. Trusting God hasn’t been an issue for me. My faith has always felt so strong.
But somehow, this time is different.
Awaiting an answer to prayer.
And if it is the answer I don’t want to hear, I’m afraid I won’t trust God when I hear the outcome.
Because I won’t understand why.
And it’s breaking my heart.
I want to trust. I want to have faith, but just thinking about one resulting answer as opposed to another, and the pain it could bring, brings me to my knees.
My faith has never been challenged so deeply. My stomach feels sick and my heart races. How can the days of waiting seem like an eternity, yet too fast all at the same time? Waiting and praying and begging God.
And the fear.
I thought I had so much faith, but this has done me in. I am truly scared.
Because what if God’s will is not what I had so desperately hoped for?
Will I still love Him? Will I trust Him? Will I be able to glorify Him still, or see that somehow it’s for my child’s good? It doesn’t feel good.
Even as I write these words, through tears my heart is saying I won’t.
And that terrifies me.
In all my 57 years, I have never been at a crossroads like this. I have written countless posts on faith and trust, on God being in control and the peace that passes understanding, but this time. This time I feel completely at a loss. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed, like a dust particle floating past me. I keep trying to grasp at it, but it disappears. No words seem to comfort me in this moment. No scripture seems to bring peace. And even though I don’t know the outcome, I find myself asking God why.
Because, as desperately as I am trying to hold on to it, my hope has slowly been fading away. Just like my faith. A tiny particle that I can’t seem to grasp.
So, why write a post like this? Because I want you to know that just like the Psalmist David, sometimes all we can do is cry out to God. Pour our hearts out to Him and leave it all there. We might not know how to go on from here. We might feel hopeless and alone, even desperate…
In this moment, that is how I feel. Maybe you feel this way too. All I can do is to keep crying out to Him. I won’t stop. I might not understand any of this, and maybe all my heart can do is cry, but I will cry to Him. I might feel like He isn’t listening. That He doesn’t love me. That He doesn’t care, but I won’t stop calling out His name. I won’t stop.
I will remember His promises. I will remember the thousands of times He has come through for me. When I reach the other side of that outcome, whatever it might be~ I won’t stop. Because if I did, I let Satan win. And if it isn’t the answer I longed for and I cannot trust my emotions, in my weak and feeble state I will trust His word. I will repeat it over and over and over to my broken heart. I will speak its truth into my unbelief.
And as the sunshine streams across my tear stained face, I will open my eyes and see. Thousands of dust particles floating in its brilliance. And I will fight to remember. Jesus, my Hope~ He has always been faithful. I don’t have to grasp at those particles. They surround me because The Son’s presence surrounds me. I will whisper His name continually through the tears.
I won’t stop.
And that tiny dust particle is enough.
Whatever you are going though.
Your tiny dust particle is enough.
Psalms of lament~ 6, 13, 22, 25, 28, 31, 38, 40, 42, 46, 55, 56, 69, 71, 77, 86, 88, 102, 130, 139, 142, 143
2 Corinthians 1:3&4
Psalms 31:16, 37:5&6, 67:1,