I had been hurt deeply. Again.
And not by a stranger or acquaintance, but a very close friend.
And I was tired. I know this is awful, but I was tired of forgiving. I was tired of having to be the strong one. I didn’t want to fight for this friendship anymore.
I’m ashamed to say that I allowed the hurt to keep me from God’s word and prayer. It wasn’t because I was blaming God, or even angry at God. It was because I was grappling with my feelings. This was a friendship that made forgetting and moving on nearly impossible. It was close, and the hurt was deep. I lost my trust in this friendship. I didn’t know how to move past the pain. I was stuck.
I concluded that I was not bitter, but I was angry. Angry at sin. I was angry that this continued to happen to me. I got stepped on. I continually got my hopes up that this time things would be different. I got disappointed. Again. And I questioned why. Why me? The overthinking, people pleasing, insecure girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I believe God answered me, but I didn’t want to listen. The Holy Spirit got a hold of all those grappling feelings that I couldn’t put into words. I felt a whisper tug at my heart. “I chose you because this child of mine needs YOUR help.“
I argued~ I am not strong. I am weak. So weak. I didn’t want to help. I wanted to be the one who could lean on someone else for a change. I wanted to be the one taken care of, not the one taking care of everyone else.
I’m sure my emotions were dictating the response of my heart. It’s easy to tell others to love and forgive just like Jesus, until you are the one who has been crushed.
My heart screamed that I was done fighting, but God’s Spirit convicted me and drowned out all my arguments. My lack of time in God’s word did not phase Him, because His words are alive and powerful. Scripture overwhelmed my soul~ I can do all things through Him, because HE LOVES ME. He will NEVER hurt me. He will NEVER disappoint. Instead, He will strengthen.
I wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t have to be strong, because I could lean on Him and His strength is always enough. The power of Christ rests upon me and when I am weak, I am strong. He will take care of me and in turn, I can encourage a soul. A soul deeply loved by God. I can fall to my knees and bring them before God’s throne of grace. That grace. That grace that He bestows on me every single time I fail Him. Again and again.
Sometimes it is a daily battle. A battle that almost seems impossible. But I surrender because I know, God is fighting for me in this battle for love. And His love meets our deepest need through any disappointment or defeat.
“And in that love is the energy for faith and the very sap of hope.”
I John 4
I Corinthians 15:10
II Corinthians 12:9